There are few things more enjoyable than waking up to the smell of crispy, delicious bacon. Now you can experience that joy every single day…
Wake Up And Smell The Bacon is a dongle and corresponding app for smartphones that will soon be available by Oscar Mayer. It’s an alarm that wakes you with the smell of bacon. Just plug the little device into your phone, sync it with the app, set your alarm, go to sleep, wake up to the smell of bacon, but no bacon.
Okay, it’s a bit of a tease, but it’s still worth a plug.
It’s official: Craig Jaret Hutchinson is the dumbest man on the face of the Earth.
Craig Jaret Hutchinson’s girlfriend, whose name the court has protected, said she had agreed to sex as long as it was with a condom so that she would not get pregnant.
The court held 7-0 that while she may have consented to sex, she had not consented to unprotected sex, and that by poking holes in the condoms first, he had committed sexual assault. Hutchinson, who had been out on bail, will now have to serve an 18-month prison sentence.
Dude. No one, and I mean no one, purposely pokes holes in their own condoms. Poking leads to hate, hate leads to kids, and kids lead to suffering. What was this dope thinking?
The statement of facts presented by the prosecution said that Hutchinson had wanted to get his girlfriend pregnant at the time in order to keep their deteriorating relationship going.
Yes, because relationships founded upon entrapment always stand the test of time.
Some enterprising young geeks made a necessary modification to the average rocking horse. It is, in a word, unbelievably awesome and kickass!
AT-AT walkers generally don’t make good house guests. They’re large, messy, and prone to shooting at things with their laser canons. Jen Yates, known for geeky blogs Epbot and Cake Wrecks, figured out how to tame an AT-AT by building a rocking version of the robotic creature.
The AT-AT shape doesn’t naturally lend itself to a rocking-horse format, so the builders had to add several safety features to make it secure for a 4-year-old test subject to ride. That includes foot pedals, a front handle, and a seat back. Bumpers built onto the bottom of the rails keep it from rocking too far forward or back. (H/T – Smite)
I swear to Vishnu, if I wasn’t snipped, I’d be working on another child right this instant!
Goodnight Buffoon Caption Contest
Caption this photo in the comments section or e-mail me your photoshop entries. The winners will be posted on Monday, March 10th. Good luck!
Original Caption: In DC school classroom, Pres Obama makes remarks on the budget and Ukraine. (TV Pool photo by Bryan Cole, Fox News) – @markknoller
Other Current Contests:
Say what you want about the Germans; they sure know how to pick police officers.
A German court has ruled that a prospective Berlin police recruit’s breast implants cannot legally be used as grounds to keep her off the force. The woman applied in 2012 to join the Berlin police force, but was rejected after authorities said her breast implants would prevent her from wearing a protective vest or riot gear. They argued the implants would mean the protective gear put so much pressure on her chest that there was a risk of fibrosis or other health problems.
But a Berlin administrative court on Tuesday upheld her challenge of the decision, saying a doctor testified that protective gear should cause no greater health problems for a woman with implants than without.
In fact, her hiring would probably alleviate a lot of problems; specifically, the morale of her male counterparts.
True story: I personally know three Philly police officers who were strippers before they joined the force. So, if nothing else, there is precedent.
Okay, there is still snow on the ground here in Philadelphia, but spring has officially arrived at the Earp Ranch.
Lacrosse season begins today.
Kyle’s first practice is scheduled for tonight – it will be at an indoor facility because… snow – which means it signals the boy’s annual metamorphosis from soccer goaltender to lacrosse midfielder. (Erik’s practices will begin soon, too.) Having my sons play lacrosse is extra special to me, because I played for Saint Joseph’s University and coached high school lax for 19 years – at Holy Ghost Prep, Father Judge, and North Catholic.
Kyle has been playing since he was six years old, and he’s really becoming a quality player. It helps that he loves the game, and that his dad isn’t coaching him. (For some reason, he’s not too keen on me coaching, because he knows he can’t b.s. me when he makes a mistake. I’ve been involved in the game since 1987, and I know all the shortcuts.) He’ll also start the year healthy – unlike last year, when he broke his wrist playing soccer and missed the first month.
After a winter spent inside, it’ll be nice to see him out running – and hitting – his teammates. Game on!
In a truly surprising move, the Senate has blocked the nomination of Debo Adegbile to the DoJ’s civil rights division. Adegbile is an NAACP lawyer who represented Mumia abu-Jamal, a Black Panther convicted of murdering Philadelphia Police Officer Daniel Faulkner.
The Senate filibustered President Obama’s nominee to lead the Justice Department’s civil rights division, with seven Democrats joining Republicans Wednesday in arguing his past history defending a convicted cop-killer made him the wrong man for the job.
The defeat of Debo P. Adegbile, who as a lawyer for the NAACP filed a brief arguing that former Black Panther Mumia Abu-Jamal’s murder trial was tainted by racism, is a major blow to Mr. Obama. It comes even after Democrats changed the rules last year to overcome filibusters with just 50 votes — but on Wednesday Majority Leader Harry Reid couldn’t even muster all of his own troops.
It is inconceivable to me the “president” would nominate an NAACP lawyer who vigorously fought for a member of the Black Panthers, and claimed abu-Jamal’s conviction was tainted by racism. Everyone deserves representation, but if Adegbile’s go-to defense is racism, how impartial will he be at the leader of the civil rights division?…
Meet Joseph Johnson of Portland, Oregon. Joseph (allegedly) robs people point of gun. Ironically, after this incident, this thug is more Joseph and less Johnson.
Joseph Johnson, 40, has been released from the hospital and booked into the Multnomah County Jail on charges of first-degree robbery, second-degree assault and felon in possession of a firearm.
Robbery detectives said Johnson and the victim, 32-year-old Jordan Merrell, knew each other well and lived in the same apartment building near Southwest 10th Avenue and Columbia Street. Johnson apparently confronted Merrell in the parking lot behind the building, demanded he hand over his property and then shot Merrell in the leg.
While Johnson was making his getaway, he shoved the gun into the front of his pants and shot himself in the [testicles]. (H/T – Smite)
You don’t have to be Dick Tracy to figure out shoving a gun in your waistband is unwise, and while this guy didn’t exactly steal the crown jewels, Johnson will certainly be a tough nut to crack. Interestingly, Mr. Johnson – no offense – was set to spend his ill-gotten cash on dinner; specifically, fried wontons.
Say hello to the newest addition of the Evil family. On Saturday the Evil Surgeon and I adopted this little ball of stench and cuteness. Her name is Payton. No, not after legendary quarterback and horse look-alike Peyton Manning…after the Sweetness, Walter Payton. Guess whose girl is from Chicago?
Today is the 244th anniversary of the Boston Massacre, but I thought, considering recent events in the Ukraine, this post was more apropos. March 5, 1953 – Joseph Stalin Dies.
Like his right-wing counterpart, Hitler, who was born in Austria, Joseph Stalin was not a native of the country he ruled with an iron fist. Isoeb Dzhugashvili was born in 1889 in Georgia, then part of the old Russian empire. The son of a drunk who beat him mercilessly and a pious washerwoman mother, Stalin learned Russian, which he spoke with a heavy accent all his life, in an Orthodox Church-run school. While studying to be a priest at Tiflis Theological Seminary, he began secretly reading Karl Marx and other left-wing revolutionary thinkers.
…Stalin did not mellow with age; he prosecuted a reign of terror, purges, executions, exiles to the Gulag Archipelago, and persecution in the postwar USSR, suppressing all dissent and anything that smacked of foreign, especially Western European, influence. To the great relief of many, he died of a massive heart attack on March 5, 1953. He is remembered to this day as the man who helped save his nation from Nazi domination—and as the mass murderer of the century, having overseen the deaths of between 8 million and 10 million of his own people.
People choose not to believe it, but Hitler was a piker compared to Stalin. Iron Joe was arguably the worst mass murderer in human history.
Funny thing about Russia, though; one dictator dies, and another one springs up immediately afterward… like a weed.