Falcon Quest

Millennium FalconThere are a few things you need to know before climbing aboard this blog. First, expect snrak and sarcasm – otherwise known as snarkasm® – aplenty.

Second, I like redheads, red highlights, and Red Bulls and Jägermeister.

Finally, and most importantly, the Millennium Falcon is far and away the best vehicle in the Star Wars universe. Only Star Destroyers come close. If you don’t agree, 1. You’re a f**king idiot, 2. Get the f**k off my blog, and 3. You’re a f**king idiot.

If you do agree, set your faces to stunned.

Word around the camp fire in a galaxy far, far away is that the Rebel Alliance (in this case Disney and Lusasfilm) is building a brand new, full scale Millennium Falcon for the next installment of the epic saga – Star Wars: Episode VII.

According to Yahoo, the ship (that managed the Kessel Run in less than twelve parsecs) may have already rolled off the production line at Pinewood Studios in Buckinghamshire.

Personally, I’ll be happy if they get the pronunciation right. It’s fowl-con, not fall-con.

A Franchise In Desperate Need Of A Deep Six

Tricia Helfer Number SixUniversal has made the brilliant decision to order a new Battlestar Galactica film. It will in no way be associated with the two previous television series’. I don’t know about you, but I will be leaving my family to camp out at my local theater. Who’s with me?

Universal has just announced plans to create a feature film version of the sci-fi magnum opus Battlestar Galactica – before fans of the sci-fi series rejoice, there’s a catch: it’s in no way related to the beloved Syfy Channel series that ran from 2004-2009. It’s a completely new take on the property.

The show, itself a remake of 1978-1979 Battlestar Galactica, was a haunting space epic about humanity’s few remaining survivors searching for a home after a nuclear holocaust destroys the planet. Can a new feature film bring the same depth that the series did? It seems unlikely – simply based on the medium, a feature film can never capture the scope and depth of the television series, both in terms of the show’s overarching plots as well as its brilliant character arcs. How could two hours possible capture what the show took over seventy episodes to do?

It can’t. Worst of all, it shouldn’t. I think it’s safe to assume Hollywood has run out of ideas. Nothing but remakes and sequels as far as the eye can see. Writers and directors have gotten lazy, and it shows.

The only thing I’m interested in that’s BSG-related is Tricia Helfer’s dress. Great googly moogly, what I would do to a girl who wears a dress like that…

Sorry, I’m gonna need a minute alone.

Humpday History Highlight

HHH Logo

April 23, 1014 – King Brian Of Ireland Murdered By Vikings

Brian Boru, the high king of Ireland, is assassinated by a group of retreating Norsemen shortly after his Irish forces defeated them.

Unlike previous high kings of Ireland, Brian resisted the rule of Ireland’s Norse invaders, and after further conquests his rule was acknowledged. As his power increased, relations with the Norsemen on the Irish coast grew increasingly strained. In 1013, Sitric, king of the Dublin Norse, formed an alliance against Brian, featuring Viking warriors from Ireland, the Hebrides, the Orkneys, and Iceland, as well as soldiers of Brian’s native Irish enemies.

On April 23, 1014, Good Friday, forces under Brian’s son Murchad met and annihilated the Viking coalition at the Battle of Clontarf, near Dublin. After the battle, a small group of Norsemen, flying from their defeat, stumbled on Brian’s tent, overcame his bodyguards, and murdered the elderly king. Victory at Clontarf broke Norse power in Ireland forever, but Ireland largely fell into anarchy after the death of Brian.

In fairness, the Vikings were most likely acting upon Smite a Ginger Day.

Because I Didn’t Do Him Enough Justice

Erik At Franklin FieldAnd because most of you moved on from the Penn Relays post, I finally succeeded in posting the video from my phone to the blog. Erik is the third leg of Maternity BVM’s 4×100 relay. He is in lane 7.

The photo above is one I took before the Relays began. Erik wanted to be photographed near the lacrosse nets (on the right). And yes, we know he needs a haircut. Lousy hippies.

The video is below the fold.

Continue reading

The Most Obvious Study Of All Time

Rottenecards_39655820_y8ns5t5rqsA group of Canadian rocket surgeons wasted a lot of time – and even more money – telling guys what we already knew. Specifically, a man could have just lost an arm and still be ready to “put the tool in the shed.”

A study found that even when they are in excruciating pain, males are interested in sex. Females, however, prefer to take to their sickbed.

In one of the first studies of its kind, the Canadian researchers looked at how pain affected mice’s desire for sex. They first checked which males and females were interested in each other and then put them on opposite sides of a partitioned cage.

The dividing wall contained holes too small for the males to squeeze through but just big enough for the females to make their way to the male area – and escape back to their own lair when necessary. The results were ‘very striking’, with the females spending less time on the male side when in pain.

When I was in high school, I broke my wrist playing roller hockey. The day I had the cast set, I was making out with my girlfriend, my arm around her. It felt like a sledgehammer hit me every time she moved. I. Did. Not. Care. Neither would any other guy.

But by all means, let’s spend millions of loonies testing that hypothesis with mice instead of, oh, I don’t know, asking any random guy!

Thank You

Troops

Thank you all – especially Dr. Evil – for yesterday. I don’t like a fuss on my birthday, which is ironic because I’m such an egomaniac. I did, however, appreciate the Doc’s kind words and your nice comments.

Not going to lie; I’m feeling my age today. 45. That’s really freakin’ old, and I realized yesterday I’m on the down-slope of life. I’m not making 90, kids. My father died at 66, and his father died (I think) even earlier. In the last week, I’ve had a brush with skin cancer, pulled a muscle in my back from walking, and most likely sprained my wrist. My left one, so brushing my teeth and wiping my adorable apple-shaped tushie is rather difficult. The only good news is I’m down ten pounds since January 1st.

That said, I think I’m happy. No, I know I’m happy. I’m writing another book – it’s going slower than I hoped, but I’m almost done the first chapter – I have the best job in the police department, and the blog is still going strong. That’s more a testament to you than me.

So I wanted to thank people. I wanted to thank Jim, Dr. Evil, and Mollie for helping keep this blog afloat. You may not know it to see it, but writing a blog takes a lot of time and effort. Doc, Mollie, Jim, and I sacrifice our personal time to keep you entertained. I can’t do it all anymore – I’m tired – but their occasional posts and/or tech guru work has rejuvenated me.

I wanted to thank the readers – whether you comment or lurk, I appreciate you stopping by. If you leave, so does the blog. Doc, Mollie, and I would be yelling snarky comments at passersby. Jim would be holding a sign saying, “Will fix HTML for food.”

I want to thank those of you who keep us safe, work long hours and shift work, and do the things no one else wants to do. Soldiers, police officers, fire and medic personnel, nurses, teachers, everyone who works a truly thankless job. I this little piece of hell can make your days a bit brighter – or rainier, whatevs – we’ve done our job.

Thanks again.

Midnight Run

Penn RelaysMy middle son Erik joined the CYO track team this year. So far, he has excelled in the long jump, and has been doing well in the sprint events. (His best leap this season is 9 feet, 7 inches.) Erik is also the third leg of his age group’s 4×100 relay, and today he will be competing in the Penn Relays – something his slow-ass father never did.

The CYO portion of the Relays begins at 6pm, so we have to come home from school/work, get dressed, and rush off to Franklin Field. It’ll just be and Erik, because our two youngest wouldn’t last five minutes with the crowds and noise. Erik is psyched to run inside a stadium and in front of a crowd. For my part, I told him not to worry about his performance, but to just enjoy the spectacle. The Penn Relays is a huge event in Philly, and his first time should be stress-free.

I’ll try to post updates if I can, but since the relays are rain or shine, I can’t promise anything right away.

IMG_20140422_174701_673

Pennsylvania Woman Has Egg On Her Face

The Eggscellent ChallengeThere’s an old adage which states “To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs.” A Pittsburgh woman learned that the hard way this weekend.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Sunday that 27-year-old Aaron Goempel was arrested on simple and aggravated assault charges.

Police responded to a fight call to find a woman with a red and swollen right eye. She told police Goempel threw [hard-boiled] eggs [at her] after she accused him of cheating on her.

Authorities say that after police made their way past a makeshift barricade into a bedroom, Goempel reached for a row of knives and swords before he was subdued. They say he yelled racist obscenities at one officer and kicked another in the groin.

So Goempel threw eggs at his girlfriend before kicking an officer in the huevos? Wow, he is a really bad egg. Although right about now, I’ll bet the girlfriend wishes she hadn’t put all her eggs in one basket.