The Legend Of Drunken Master

By Wyatt Earp | May 26, 2012 9:45 am

A drunken Chinese man picked the wrong place to take a nap.

According to Rocket News 24, the man had entered a train station in the Zhejiang province late at night and seemingly drunk. In need of a rest, he caught the station’s security staff off guard and managed to get onto the conveyor belt of the baggage inspection machine for a quick nap.

But while he was dozing, the conveyor belt started up and sent him into the X-ray. Staff at the station said that after making it through security, the drunken man simply stood up and walked off as if nothing had happened.

Confucius say when drunken man go on bender, it best to have leaded underwear.

It’s A Trap!

By Wyatt Earp | May 25, 2012 7:00 pm

Met Corey Cogdell. The 25-year old has just earned America’s only spot in Olympic Trapshooting.

Smite sent me this story, and I’m not sure if it’s because Corey is a smokin’ hot babe, or because Corey is a smokin’ hot babe holding a gun.

Corey Cogdell’s road to London included more than two weeks living alone in a camper in the Arizona heat this month, a temporary home on the range that paid off Sunday when the Eagle River woman clinched the country’s lone Olympic berth in women’s trapshooting.

The 2008 bronze medalist who grew up hunting in Alaska and bagged her first moose at age 18, Cogdell won the U.S. Olympic Trials with three days of consistent shooting at the Tucson Trap & Skeet Club. Down by six shots after a match last fall that constituted the first half of the Olympic selection process, Cogdell rallied to win by 10 shots.

Good luck, Corey. Lord knows I’ll be watching you perform!

Weekend Caption Contest

By Wyatt Earp | May 25, 2012 1:00 pm

Up The Falls Without A Paddle Caption Contest
(Source: UK DailyMail)

Caption this photo in the comments section or e-mail me your photoshop entries. The winners will be posted on Monday, May 28th. Good luck!

Original Caption: Steve Fisher, 37, Dale Jardine, 33, both from South Africa, and Sam Drevo, 33, from the U.S., paddled up to the lip of the mile-wide Victoria Falls – the largest waterfall in the world.

Other Current Contests:
Right Pundits
Rodney Dill
Wizbang

Was The Comic Book Guy In Attendance?

By Wyatt Earp | May 25, 2012 7:00 am

Because some angry guests deemed former president and infamous perjurer Bill Clinton’s recent fundraiser the “worst party ever.”

Clinton’s London bash was chock full of celebs and high rollers who paid up to £1,000 per ticket. £1,000 to listen to a serial liar talk about a serial lie: global warming.

One guest complained to the Daily Telegraph that guests were left waiting outside while the A-list stars were first allowed inside, despite them paying up to £1,000 for a ticket. A source told the Telegraph: “We arrived, there was perspiration dripping off the walls and the place absolutely stank. It was like walking into a cave.”

Hmm, I figured a place with Clinton would smell like bleach and shame.

Others complained that Clinton only spoke for two minutes and some were even unable to get into the room where he was speaking.

Marie Phillips, author of Gods Behaving Badly, added on Twitter on the night: “I’m in! There is literally damp dripping from the ceiling. Clinton talked about climate change for 30 secs. Now chugging cocktails.”

I guess Twitter’s 140-character limit prevented Phillips from adding, “…and groping every woman in the room.”

Congratulations, Allison!

By Wyatt Earp | May 24, 2012 9:15 pm

My sister (above with Uncle Ray) graduated from the Roxborough School of Nursing this afternoon. She really seemed to enjoy school, even more so when she was elected class president; a title that I think came with a sash and a teleprompter. The ceremony was held at St. Phillip Neri Church in Lafayette Hill, so I was able to go after work. When I regained my composure after realizing every single one of Allison’s classmates was a smokin’ hot babe – Dr. Evil would have been in Heaven – I grabbed a seat – to sit on, not to pinch – with Uncle Ray and my mom.

She was one of 58 students in the 98th graduating class, and while she could have given the student body address, nerves (and emotion) forced her to pass that honor off to her VP, Megan – who did an outstanding job. It was a joy to be there for her big day. It’s been a long, sometimes difficult haul, but she made it, and we’re all very proud of her.

Congratulations, Allison; you done good.

Philly Mayor, DA Join Anti-Romney Protest

By Wyatt Earp | May 24, 2012 4:45 pm

So much for representing all the people of Philadelphia, eh, guys?

As Gov. Romney spoke this morning inside the Bluford School at 58th and Media Streets, outside, about two dozen supporters of President Obama chanted, “Four more years.” Mayor Nutter said Romney would cut Pell Grants, let college tax credits expire, and allow student loan interest rates to double.

You mean Romney is going to cut out of control spending? Oh my stars and garters!

“If you’re going to talk about education, it’d be nice if you had an education record,” Nutter said. “It’d be nice if you had an education platform. It’d be nice if you seemed to know something about education. You can go wherever you want to go — that’s the beauty of America. But the man’s got no record to run on.” (H/T – Becky)

Did the spokesperson for education just say, “The man’s got no record to run on?” Apparently, Nutter murders grammar as often as his citizens murder each other.

For those of you not from the area, here are the facts. Philadelphia’s public schools are among the worst and most violent in the country. The school district is looking at a $218 million deficit for the coming year, and has already decided to close 40 schools, and another 6 each year until 2017. Only 25 percent of school district students make it to college. Twenty-five percent. Now please, Mayor Squidward, regale us with the fanciful tales that make up your “education record.”

NASCAR Bows To The Hippie Contingent

By Wyatt Earp | May 24, 2012 12:45 pm

In a move that will probably annoy its base, NASCAR is going “green,” by using a methanol fuel mix in 2013.

Of course, the racing series will beat its fans over the head with the green message, while conveniently ignoring the fact that their stock cars get about two miles per gallon.

NASCAR announced Saturday it will race with E15 fuel in its three national touring series in 2011. Sunoco Green E15 is a 15-percent ethanol blend using American-made ethanol from corn grown by American farmers.

Awesome! Let’s take corn that could feed the hungry and use it to make fuel.

“NASCAR is committed to being an environmental leader, and the sport has taken steps over the years toward conservation by introducing measurable, best-in-class initiatives in recycling, alternative energy, and carbon mitigation,” said Brian France, chairman and CEO of NASCAR.

“The transition to Sunoco Green E15 takes our long-term sustainability strategy to the next level. E15 is good for racing, good for the environment and good for America. While fueling the same racing that thrills our fans, American ethanol creates jobs in the United States, helps foster energy independence, and continues the greening of our sport.”

NASCAR will be an environmental leader when they start racing solar cars. Until then, Brian France needs to STFU. His grandfather must be rolling over in his grave.

The Future Mrs. Tim Tebow?

By Wyatt Earp | May 24, 2012 6:45 am

Olympic track & field phenom Lori “Lolo” Jones claims she can find a boyfriend, but she can’t keep a boyfriend. Why? Because she’s a virgin. I guess sex is the one hurdle she won’t clear until marriage.

The 29-year-old from Louisiana said during a new episode of HBO’s Real Sports that she does not believe in pre-marital sex.

The stunning hurdling competitor added that being a virgin makes it extremely hard for her to find a boyfriend.

The Iowa-born beauty, who will attempt to qualify in June for this year’s London Olympics, added that being a virgin is “the hardest thing I’ve ever done in my life… harder than graduating from college. When I was 22, 24, it was cute, but 24 to 29, it’s not cute. You get judged a lot, a lot of guys won’t return your calls after they find out.”

That’s because guys are pigs. Personally, I admire her for her stance. She seems like a decent person, and she is certainly attractive enough to wait for.

The Only One Missing Was A Pink Elephant

By Wyatt Earp | May 23, 2012 7:15 pm

A drunk, a zebra, and a parrot walk into a bar…

Normally that would be the beginning of a bad joke, but in this case, it was the preface of a Dubuque, Iowa police report. An Iowa man was arrested for DUI, with the animals in his car.

A Cascade man was arrested outside of a Dubuque bar on Sunday night with a pet zebra and a macaw parrot in the front seat of his truck.

Officers charged Jerald Reiter, 55, with OWI. Police reports say officers stopped him in the parking lot of the Dog House Lounge as he drove away in his truck. According to police, field sobriety tests showed Reiter had a blood alcohol level of .14. The legal limit in Iowa is .08.

Reiter tells KCRG.com that he and his girlfriend, Vickey Teters, see the animals like their kids and often take them for rides. On Sunday night, they say they took the zebra and the macaw to the bar because it often lets people bring their animals inside. (H/T – Metoo)

The bar lets people bring their animals inside? What the frak, Iowa?

Humpday History Highlight

By Wyatt Earp | May 23, 2012 1:15 pm

May 23. 1945 – Himmler Commits Suicide.

On this day in 1945, Heinrich Himmler, chief of the SS, assistant chief of the Gestapo, and architect of Hitler’s program to exterminate European Jews, commits suicide one day after being arrested by the British. As head of the Waffen-Schutzstaffel, the military arm of the Nazi Party, and assistant chief of the Gestapo (the secret police), Himmler was able over time to consolidate his control over all police forces of the Reich.

Himmler’s megalomania, which included a plan to surrender to the Western Allies late in the war in order to pursue the fight against Russia, caused Hitler to strip him of all his offices and order his arrest. Himmler attempted to slip out of Germany disguised as a soldier, but was caught by the British. He swallowed a cyanide capsule a day later.

Thankfully, death by cyanide is extremely painful, but one has to wonder why the Brits didn’t adequately search Himmler when he was captured.