Root Canal Take Two

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batman07

Mirror! THE MIRROR!!!!!!

I had to go for my root canal follow up over lunch. I made the god awful decision to NOT be numbed up. The nerve was pulled out, how much pain could there be right? WRONG. The drilling of another hole in my teeth didn’t bother me. The chlorine like cleanser being shot into the hole to kill germs didn’t bother me. So far, we were doing alright.

That all changed when the Fire Nation attacked! The doc had to plug the hole. He shot some sort of vicious black liquid into my tooth that hardens as it cools, like cookies or an erect Ice-Man. Well the doc used to much of the fire liquid and burned through into my gum line. I was this close to reaching out and grabbing him by the throat. My entire mouth felt like it had just bit into a Mango Habanero wing. The liquid’s fury could only be compared to a woman scorned with the fury in which hell hath no! Like LIQUID HOT MAGMA. It burned for about an hour. Like a good middle class American I went back to work so the people who use their ACCESS cards to buy cigarettes wouldn’t have to fret.

I consider my self a tough dude. I’ve taken by fair share of punches and (non drug) blunt objects as my time as a bouncer. But am a kitten when it comes to mouth and foot pain. HATE IT. Fortunately it’s almost done. The tooth in question was cracked in half in an unfortunate ice accident a year ago. Next up is to get a crown and my smile will look diabolical again!!!!

Humpday History Highlight

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Annika SorenstamMay 21, 2003 – Annika Sorenstam Makes History

On May 22, 2003, golfer Annika Sorenstam becomes the first woman to play in a PGA tour event since Babe Didrikson 58 years earlier, after receiving a sponsor’s exemption to compete in the Bank of America Colonial in Fort Worth, Texas.

At the 2003 Colonial in Fort Worth, Sorenstam measured herself against the best players on the men’s side for the first time. With the exception of Vijay Singh, who stirred controversy saying Sorenstam had “no business” on the course, she was a popular presence with players and fans alike. Her galleries were by far the biggest in the tournament, numbering 50,000 people at times. On her first day, Sorenstam shot a 71, just one over par, putting herself in contention to make the cut and play for the championship. On the second day, she shot a four-over 74, leaving her five-over for the first two days, and missing the cut by four shots. She left the course to a standing ovation.

Of course, the standing ovation was from guys like me who always thought Annika was a hot little Swedish meatball who I’d like to fondue.

Chagrin Lizzy

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Moore Oklahoma Tornado

A devastating tornado wiped out the city of Moore, Oklahoma on Monday, killing 24 and injuring almost 300. Luckily, The Daily Show’s co-creator Lizz Winstead was there to bring teh funneh.

Lizz Winstead Assclown Tweet

The mile-wide tornado that destroyed Moore, Okla., and leveled at least two elementary schools was still weaving a path of devastation when Daily Show co-creator Lizz Winstead thought up a funny. Too soon? (H/T – Ray R.)

In fairness, Winstead’s just bitter because God didn’t love her enough to make her pretty.

Heckuva Job, Squidward!

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Philadelphia Convict Job FairPhiladelphia hosted a job fair for ex-cons on Friday, and the fair was soon canceled after 3,000 convicts showed up.

I don’t know what’s worse; the fact that the city held a job fair for thugs (and not law-abiding citizens) or that we have 3,000 ex-cons roaming our streets.

The City of Philadelphia shut down a career fair for ex-offenders today after an unexpected crowd of thousands showed up, résumés in hand. There were lots of disappointed job seekers and potential employers this morning.

The city was expecting about 1,000 people to show up, but about three times that number were standing in a line that wrapped around the Municipal Services Building, across from City Hall. And when someone jumped the line, order collapsed.

Everett Gillison, the deputy mayor for public safety, says the space designated for the event could not handle the crowd, so they closed it down shortly after it began.

“People want jobs,” said one man. “In the city right now, with jobs it’s just ridiculous trying to find one. It’s almost impossible.” (H/T – Jim)

Whose fault is that, slapnuts? I’m sure this fine, upstanding citizen doesn’t blame the Democrats, who have enjoyed 70+ years of uninterrupted rule. I know, it’s Boooooooooosh’s fault!

360 Days Until The KING Returns!

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1330056013601No, not King Hippo! THE KING. THE KING OF THE MONSTERS! That’s right, GODZILLA baby! I missed posting the one year countdown last Thursday due to earlier described illnesses, so now seemed like a good time to bring it up.

In 2014 we will blessed with a new American made Godzilla film for the Big Green’s 60th Birthday. In my life only two Godzilla movies have made it to the silver screen. Godzilla 1985 and Godzilla 2000. The 1998 Matthew Broderick abortion DOESN’T COUNT. (I refer to the character as GINO: Godzilla In Name Only) I was too young for the 1985, but you bet your posterior I dragged Uncle Ray to the 2000 movie. It was Japanese and still a dude in a rubber costume. The cheesiness was awesome, and who doesn’t love seeing Tokyo ablaze? Let me continue by stating Godzilla was my childhood hero. He outranks Barry Sanders, Larry Bird, Nolan Ryan, Wayne Gretzky, The Imperial Royal Guards, Optimus Prime, Starscream, Captain Picard, and Shannon Tweed by far.

There was nothing better than scouring West Coast video for the larger than Rosie O’Donnell star, pleading with my mom to buy a movie from the bargain bin at K-Mart, and of course, searching the TV Guide in case one of his movies happened to come on TV. Yes, I loved watching two behemoths beat the snot out of each while trampling the military, destroying a Japanese city (taught me geography), and some of the poorest English dubbing before Pokémon came out. As you can imagine I was excited as a fat chick at CiCi’s $5 pizza buffet.

So far the teaser pics have looked great and the cast looks A-plus. The movie will star Godzilla, of course, and have supporting Bryan Cranston (Malcolm in the Middle, breaking Bad), Aaron Taylor Johnson (Kick Ass), Ken Watanabe (Last Samurai and every bit J part), and Elizabeth Olsen (whose biggest claim to fame I can tell is being the younger sister of Mary-Kate and Ashley and NOT having a twin). Gareth Edwards of Monsters fame is directing (very underrated movie), and the guys who wrote all three Iron Mans wrote it. I have full faith this movie will be epic and not another installment in the colossal, cosmic joke that is my life. I can’t wait for Big Green to smash up whatever city he is in, likely San Fran, LA, or Seattle, and spew his trademark blue, radioactive fire and melt everything into slag. All the peons who said Cloverfield is the toughest movie monster are about to be fisted by a 400-foot radioactive lizard. In the words of Blue Oyster Cult… GO GO GODZILLA!

Redefining The Term “Link Pimping”

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My good friend Smite was checking over his blog stats the other day. Normally, search engine results are boring and over-generalized, like “motorcycles.” For Smite, of course, there is always a twist.

While looking up his results from search engines, her found this…

Smite Porn

Okay, what the frak is “smite porn,” and is Smite personally involved? I wouldn’t think watching a guy impale hippies… Oh wait, now I get it.

Don Draper Would Be Proud

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British For Sale Ad

No one at Sterling Cooper could dream up an ad campaign this subtle.

You got yourself a used ‘vw mk2 golf 1.8 gti 8v engine’ that you are looking to sell off. Nothing. I repeat NOTHING sells an engine like a nice set of headlights.

“Radiator and housing Engine mounts Bottom end is also included but has been out in the garden for a while so that’s up to you whether you would like that or not Any questions please feel free to ask.”

I must buy this engine… and I don’t even own a VW Golf!

Into Darkness

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Star_Trek_Into_Darkness_32I’m finally back to full strength after bouts with migraines, a root canal, my job, helping UNCLE RAY lay down about 10 yards of mulch, and maybe 5 hours of sleep in a 72 hour span. Yeah, last week was a big $h#t sandwich and I bit right in. I did however get to see Star Trek: Into Darkness. AWESOME. I won’t spoil anything but highly recommend it. Awesome story, special effects, a few twists, and just (inter)stellar casting (see what I did there?). The only guy I don’t like is Chekov. Call me bat crap crazy but I cannot trust my tactical officer, the guy in charge of weapons, who refers to enemies as Klingon Wessels and Womulan Warbiwds. Just not my cup of Wodka. Most importantly, we are introduced to Carol. Who in the spotted hell is Carol? Say hello to my answer to Christina Hendricks, ALICE SOPHIA EVE!

Alice_Eve_2

Ok, so she doesn’t have chin-line cleavage or fiery red lochs, but gentleman prefer blondes! And if I do too, so apparently do psychopaths! She is just the right amount cute, BLONDE, terrific figure, and a British accent with a non deformed smile. I just want to hold her tushie up to my ear and see if I can hear the ocean! I also recommend her in Entourage and Men in Black III. I think she was also in sex and the City Two. I have testicles so I haven’t seen it.

If Ms. Hendricks is SYLG official babe, I humbly suggest Ms. Eve be our Number Two. Dr. Evil and Number Two. Perfect! Oh, and so no one else get this one liner on me, I’ll take the bullet myself. I know, Ms. Eve is “Out of my League”!

Star-Trek-Into-Darkness-Alice-Eve-Dr-Carol-Marcus-570-300x170

Caption Contest Winners

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Obama Makes Marine Hold His UmbrellaThe It’s Raining (Real) Men caption contest is now over.

Let’s see how everyone fared.

Top Five Entries:
5. “Could be worse, I could be a 2nd Lieutenant.” – David W.
4. Researchers Prove What We Already Knew – The story in one picture. – Jim
3. “Don’t laugh at me for holding an umbrella for Obama–Look over there at that 2nd Looie holding an umbrella for the teleprompter.” – Pops
2. Obumbleshoot – Rodney Dill

WINNER! – Damper Fi! – Richard D.

The Restaurant So Nice They Named It Twice

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Bacon Bacon restaurant

If you haven’t visited Bacon Bacon… don’t bother now. The greatest restaurant on Earth was forced to close.

A restaurant called Bacon Bacon has been forced to close… over complaints about the overwhelming smell of the bacon. Following failed negotiations with neighbors over concerns, the small San Francisco eatery closed on Friday.

The owners apparently had months to address the “porcine aroma” and “grease disposal” issues but failed to do so reported the San Francisco Examiner.

Figures. Only a-holes from San Francisco would complain about the smell of bacon.