At Least He’s A Happpy Felon

By Wyatt Earp | January 27, 2012 11:30 am

Meet John Rocco Pacella.

Like the Dos Equis guy, John is one of the most interesting men in the world. Why do I say that? Well, it’s because John called 911 this week to report an emergency.

His emergency? he had an urgent need to punch out a police officer.

Thankfully, the po-po granted his request, and now Johnny is eating cheese sandwiches for dinner.

Police said John R. Pacella, of the 200 block of Stanhope Drive, was arrested after a 911 call from a man who “wanted to see an officer because he wanted to fight with them” about 4 a.m. on Jan. 19, police said. When officers arrived at Pacella’s home, he shoved the officers, according to a police report.

Pacella was booked into DuPage County Jail, where he remains on $100,000 bail. He is charged with aggravated battery, resisting a police officer, and battery with intent to provoke or insult – all felonies.

Interesting Fun Fact: Pacella is also a registered sex offender. Kudos!

Busting Out All Over

By Wyatt Earp | January 26, 2012 7:30 pm

Okay, so she can’t act her way out of that low-cut dress, but Jennifer Love Hewitt sure can fill it out nicely.

Famous for her enviably curvy figure, Jennifer Love Hewitt ensured she showed it off to the maximum in a new photoshoot. The 32-year-old Ghost Whisperer star posted up on Twitter a sneak peek of one particularly racy shot, featuring her posing in a very low cut basque along with fishnet stockings and suspenders.

“Another sneak peek photo… Hope you like it!” the actress wrote underneath the picture which sees her pouting on a sofa, with a male model holding one on to one of her stocking-clad legs.

Of course I like it! But I’m addicted to boobies. Just sayin’.

Hate Mail O’ The Week

By Wyatt Earp | January 26, 2012 1:30 pm

It’s been four weeks since I received a nice piece of hate mail. Either the haters are slipping, or I’m not nearly as offensive as I think I am.

This succinct piece of literary brilliance comes to us from Buda, who resides in Britain. Judging by his name and his e-mail address, I would surmise he is a member of the recent Islamic invasion migration there. He sent this comment in reply to this post, that explained the virus that struck the blog. After reading the comment, I don’t see a correlation, but rationality has never been a feature of trolls. Here is the comment, unedited for your pleasure:

i hate weapons

i hate war

i hate money

i hate USA

i hate lifes for oil

Wow. Like most of my hate mail, this is a grammatical abortion, perfect for the anniversary of Roe v. Wade. Buda starts out well, claiming he hates war (who doesn’t?), but immediately goes into Pants On Fire Mode. If Buda really hated money, he wouldn’t have a computer – and I wouldn’t have to read his verbal diarrhea. Of course, like a lot of trolls, Buda “hate USA.” Yeah dude, get in line; I think it starts in Saudi Arabia.

Buda then finishes with a flourish: “i hate lifes for oil.” At least he follows the DNC playbook to the letter. For the last time, none of the coalition countries went to war for oil. If we did, we’d be paying $2.00 a gallon for gas now, you jackass!

Although, in fairness, I wouldn’t mind if we sacrificed Buda’s life for oil. He’s certainly not doing anything productive with it.

Taking A Stab At Self-Defense

By Wyatt Earp | January 26, 2012 7:30 am

This New Jersey chef really got his point across.

Police are searching for two men who they say tried to rob a Pizza Shop in Trenton. It happened Tuesday at Original Dominick’s Pizza on the 200 block of Sanhican Drive, according to the Trentonian. Police say two armed men entered the establishment and fired a shot into a brick wall.

Investigators say a worker at the pizza shop retaliated, throwing numerous kitchen knives at the suspects causing them to flee.

These thugs took the man to the edge, but the chef’s sharp thinking helped him get a handle on the situation, and probably saved lives.

Humpday History Highlight

By Wyatt Earp | January 25, 2012 6:55 pm

On this date in 1995, Russia almost launched its nukes in response to a detected rocket launch from Norway.

You know, because Norway is always rattling their sabers. Or in this case I guess it’s their Hardingfeles (fiddles).

Either way, the Russians dropped the nuclear football, and if it hadn’t for some prudent fact-checking, most of the western hemisphere would be glowing right now.

I can’t believe I don’t remember this.

Russia’s early-warning defense radar detects an unexpected missile launch near Norway. The nuclear command systems switched to combat mode, and the nuclear suitcases carried by Yeltsin and his top commander were activated for the first time in the history of the Soviet-made weapons system. Five minutes after the launch detection, Russian command determined that the missile’s impact point would be outside Russia’s borders. Three more minutes passed, and Yeltsin was informed that the launching was likely not part of a surprise nuclear strike by Western nuclear submarines.

Later, it was revealed that the missile, launched from Spitzbergen, Norway, was actually carrying instruments for scientific measurements. Nine days before, Norway had notified 35 countries, including Russia, of the exact details of the planned launch. The Russian Defense Ministry had received Norway’s announcement but had neglected to inform the on-duty personnel at the early-warning center of the imminent launch.

Yeltsin? Isn’t that the active ingredient in Certs? Oh wait, that’s Retsyn.

Again With The Disney Girls?

By Wyatt Earp | January 25, 2012 12:55 pm

If a Disney exec approaches your daughter with a contract, run screaming toward the gun locker. Signing it almost guarantees her life will be a train wreck.

It seems a Twitter account is a must have accessory if you are a trendy starlet nowadays. But Demi Lovato, 19, has decided to quit the internet messaging website in an attempt to stop herself making any more gaffes. The singer has slammed God, her old employers Disney and posted cryptic messages about that raised doubts about her relationship with Larry Crowne favorite Wilmer Valderrama.

She said: “Twitter break. It’s for the best actually. Who allows me to have this thing anyways? I just get myself in trouble!”

Demi Lovato: Putting the “twit” in Twitter.

Big Ben Is Leaning

By Wyatt Earp | January 25, 2012 6:55 am

And by that I mean the clock tower in London, not Steelers QB Ben Roethlisberger

Like Italy’s infamous Tower of Pisa, Big Ben has tilted, and the House of Commons is sinking into the Thames.

Personally, I blame the unions.

The clock tower containing Big Ben at Britain’s Palace of Westminster, is tilting, while reports Monday said the mother of all parliaments was slipping into the River Thames, raising fears over its future.

Media reports said it would discuss a surveyor’s report which could recommend lawmakers move out for repairs costing up to one billion pounds, while the Daily Telegraph said another proposal might be to sell to Russian or Chinese developers for about 500 million pounds.

The 96-metre tall clock tower, which houses the bell originally nicknamed Big Ben, leans about 46 cm to the left of its peak. A construction expert said there was nothing to worry about, and it would take 10,000 years to reach an angle of concern.

Not to worry. I’m sure the repairs will be overseen by top men. Top. Men.

A Star Is Born

By Wyatt Earp | January 24, 2012 7:15 pm

My son Erik’s second-grade class made the news this morning – and no, it wasn’t for another car through the classroom event. Today, they were featured on NBC10′s Morning Wake-Up Call. When you click the video, wait for the cameras to pull back. Erik is the second kid from the far left, right behind the boy with the red bin on his desk. And yes, he probably has the biggest (possibly forced) smile in the room.

I’m already talking to agents.

PA Governor Corbett: Crazy Or Stupid?

By Wyatt Earp | January 24, 2012 1:15 pm

My guess is stupid with a side order of ignorant. Corbett, the man who went full bore after Joe Paterno, Jerry Sandusky, and Penn State University after the sexual assault scandals is now honoring someone who refused to stop a predator. Corbett ordered state flags to be flown at half mast until after Paterno’s funeral.

Pennsylvania Gov. Tom Corbett has ordered the state’s flags lowered to half-staff in honor of legendary Penn State coach Joe Paterno. Corbett said that flags at state facilities would be lowered to half-staff through Paterno’s burial.

Paterno was fired in November following the arrest of a former longtime assistant on child sex abuse charges. The university’s Board of Trustees cited Paterno’s failure to report one alleged assault to police as a chief reason for his ouster.

In my opinion, this is a disgrace of the highest order, and it is a slap in the face to Sandusky’s victims. It is also the first step in the coordinated whitewash of Paterno’s “legacy.” Expect all examples of Paterno’s inaction to be erased in a few years.

Our Thugs Are More Brazen Than Yours

By Wyatt Earp | January 24, 2012 7:15 am

Everything you need to know about this city can be encapsulated in this story.

Detectives didn’t have to go far to investigate the shooting of a man early Monday morning. The shooting happened at about 4 a.m. in the 5500 block of Osage Avenue, outside the 18th District police building.

Officers inside the building heard gunshots and went outside to their parking lot and found a 25-year-old male shot in the face inside a parked car. The male was rushed to the Hospital of the University of Pennsylvania with a gunshot wound to the jaw. He is listed in critical condition.

You know, the police in this town take a lot of heat from all sides. Some of it is warranted; some of it is not. We try to do the best we can in an imperfect situation, but there is a segment of the population in this town that just doesn’t give a frak about the citizens, the police, and the law as a whole. These people think it’s acceptable to shoot a man in the face while he is in a police district’s parking lot.

We cannot fight people like these. We cannot stop them. We’re losing, and I don’t think we’ll ever get in the win column again. /rant