What’s Your Johnson’s Name?

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Meet rapper Andre Johnson. Andre is attached to his name, but ironically not to his Johnson. Well, not anymore. If this story disturbs you, thank Mollie. She sent it to me, giggling.

Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis and jumped from a Los Angeles apartment building early Wednesday. Johnson was seriously injured, but survived the fall from the second level of the building in North Hollywood, Los Angeles Police Sgt. William Mann said.

Johnson, along with his recovered penis, was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he was being treated, Mann said. Details about what triggered the incident were not available.

So, which is the worse job; recovering Johnson’s body, or recovering Johnson’s Johnson?

Living In A Box

Crane Machine Kid

A three-year old Nebraska boy was found inside a local bowling alley’s skill crane game.

Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

A 3-year-old boy, who had been reported missing by his worried mother, was found trapped inside a claw machine this week at a Nebraska bowling alley. According to the Omaha World-Herald, police in Lincoln, Neb., received a call Monday from a woman who said her son had slipped out of their apartment through an unlocked door while she was in the bathroom.

Fortunately, mother and son were soon reunited after patrons at a nearby bowling alley spotted the toddler sitting inside a claw machine. Details as to how the boy got into the machine are scarce; however, children have previously managed to climb their way into claw machines through the prize chute.

It took the Lincoln Police 135 quarters to get the boy out. He would have been freed sooner, but the sergeant really wanted the giant foam cowboy hat.

A Slice Of Life

So, my dermatologist appointment was today. I arrived early because the waiting room usually looks like the inside of Noah’s Ark. Today was no exception. There were probably fifteen people waiting, and the only chairs were by the giant LCD TV, which was – naturally – tuned to Rachael Ray, and then the menopausal skin sacks of The View. Grand.

Twenty minutes later, they called me back. The woman who met me was a med student; medium height, short blond hair, and a body you would literally start a world war over. She said something to me, but all I heard was, “Wyatt, I love you.”

Then she pulled out the scissors. This was going to be kinky… Or not. She had to cut my stitch. She did so, then told me my wound was healing nicely – which is girl talk for “I want you so badly” – the exited the room…

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The Chairman Of The Broad

Christina Hendricks Moving DayYou may find this hard to believe, but I have a backlog of Christina Hendricks stories in my e-mail, most from the Daily Mail. It’s a nice problem to have.

The UK Daily Mail is the semi-professional version of SYLG. It’s chock full of stories about hot babes, stupid people, and Christina Hendricks. Their specialty is snapping pics of She Who Would Have My Babies in drool-worthy ensembles. Today’s ensemble happens to be leather pants and a lace top.

While I’m at it, let me say a word about lace. Women should wear lace in every outfit – from swimsuits to sweatpants – and if the lace is barely covering skin, more the better.

She is known for her role as the sultry and immaculate Joan Harris in the hit TV show Mad Men. And while her on-screen character never has a hair out of place, Christina Hendricks looks like she enjoys dressing down on her days off, as she stepped out in a pair of tight black leather trousers and a cleavage baring lace top.

Walking in the hot West Hollywood sun, the 38-year-old wore a pair of stylish cat-eyes sunglasses, behind which she went make-up free, showing off her flawless complexion in all its glory.

Christina proved that she is frugal when it comes to money as she carried her rattan chair to a furniture store for repairs.

Um yeah, that’s my bad, I was stalking visiting Christina through her bedroom window the front door when I accidentally stepped on the chair, putting my show right through it.

Humpday History Highlight

Union Pacific Big Boy

Bob’s not the only one who can brag about a Big Boy. Meet locomotive #4014.

In its prime, a massive steam locomotive known as Big Boy No. 4014 was a moving eruption of smoke and vapor, a 6,300-horsepower brute dragging heavy freight trains over the mountains of Wyoming and Utah.

It’s been silent for half a century, pushed aside by more efficient diesels, but now it’s coming back to life. The Union Pacific Railroad is embarking on a yearslong restoration project that will put No. 4014 back to work pulling special excursion trains.

The American Locomotive Co. in Schenectady, N.Y., built 25 of the monsters to Union Pacific’s specifications between 1941 and 1944, and they became legendary. They were the largest steam locomotives ever to work the rugged terrain of the American West, and by most standards the largest anywhere in the world, said Gordon McCulloh, a meticulous historian of Union Pacific steam power. (H/T – Robert B.)

If and when I retire, I always wanted to be a train engineer. Just ridin’ the rails, with a powerful locomotive between your legs… oh wait, I’ve said too much.

It’s Okay, It Was Just Cancer Sex

Katya And ArcherAll of you know I’m a sarcastic jackass – it’s okay; I was born that way – but the reason I continue to be a sarcastic jackass has a lot to do with my environment. You see, I am surrounded by sarcastic jackasses in work, and we feed off each other like teenage girls at a One Direction concert. Case in point:

Two days after my biopsy, I walked into work with a bandage over the stitch. My sergeant was the first to see me and asked if I was covering a pimple. I stopped, looked at him, and in my most serious sarcastic voice said, “It’s stitches from my biopsy. Good to see you find the humor in my pending death.”

Not missing a beat, the sergeant replied, “Well, make sure your reports are all filed before you kick…”

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That’s (NOT) Racist

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As Wyatt so politely mentioned, I have been busy as of late. I have been walking a dog, falling in love, plotting world domination, the usual! My posting, which was once a day at some point, has fallen worse than the GNP to maybe once every month. However, something comes along every so often I cannot ignore. Surprisingly, it’s not a ScarJo or Alice Eve nip slip. But if that does happen…

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Today’s Moment Of Stupid

Impatient Rangers Fan

After lacrosse, hockey is my favorite sport. So it shocks and appalls me to see someone so ignorant of the sport sitting in the stands, wasting a ticket which could be used by me. This fan was sitting in Madison Square Garden – a fantastic place to watch a game, by the way – and was caught doing something that should have warranted a puck to the face.

A New York Rangers fan was clearly bored during the team’s matchup against the Carolina Hurricanes on Tuesday, prompting him to look up how many periods there are in a hockey game on his smart phone.

The Hurricanes failed to score after the first period, as the Rangers won handily, 4-1. No wonder this guy was getting impatient. At least he didn’t try to find out how many quarters are in a basketball or football game. (H/T – Mrs. Earp)

Okay, I get it’s New York, and plenty of celebrities/business types go to the game simply to be seen. That said, if you don’t know how many periods are in a hockey game, you are as dumb as you are stupid.

Menstruation For Dummies

CrampsGuys, many women are fond of saying blood flow from the brain makes us stupid.

Correct as that may be, that door apparently swings both ways.

Period pain is a common problem for many women and is known to cause discomfort and, sometimes, nausea. But new research suggests it could also make sufferers less intelligent.

British researchers discovered that the pain reduces cognitive performance. The researchers asked 52 adults with period pain to complete tests that examined their attention.

The tests measured their ability to choose between competing tasks, their attention spans and their ability to switch their attention between two tasks. The researchers found period pain reduced overall performance.

See ladies, we might be obnoxious, sarcastic, insensitive brutes, but you’re all stupid. So stop giving us crap when your Aunt Flo is in town! We’ll remember to take out the trash next week.