Category Archives: Philly

Former Dispatcher Gets Caught In Undertow

Dorian ParsleyDorian Parsley, a former dispatcher with the Philadelphia Police Department, has pleaded guilty to accepting bribes from tow truck operators in exchange for confidential information. She – wait, that’s a woman? – faces up to 35 years in prison.

Dorian Parsley, 44, typically took $100 to $200 for providing tips about the locations of car accidents and the locations of police department squad cars. She admitted that she received $35,400 in bribes, according to federal prosecutors.

Prosecutors said Parsley would text the information she learned from her personal cellphone to the tow truck operators. For an additional fee, Parsley ran the license plates and registration through her dispatch computer so the tow operators would have the name and addresses of the vehicle owners.

Let me say this about that. Philadelphia tow truck operators are the lowest form of human filth on the planet. They monitor police scanners for auto accidents, then drive like maniacs to the scene so they can fleece victims out of their money. From a police officer’s view, they cause more trouble than they solve, and they always interfere in our investigations. Why any member of the department would funnel info to these vultures is beyond me.

Personally, I think a 35-year sentence is too lenient, but that’s just me.

Mayor Nutter Drops In The Poles

Mayor Squidward

Poor Mayor Squidward lost yet another court battle yesterday. This time, a judge threw out Squiddy’s attempt to tax lap dances, I swear, this guy would tax lawn clippings if he could.

Lawyers for the city had gone before Common Pleas judge Ellen Ceisler, arguing that the city’s Tax Review Board last year was wrong when it said the city’s amusement tax was too vague to be applied to lap dances. But Judge Ceisler, ruling from the bench, today upheld the board and quickly threw out the appeal.

Club Risqué and Cheerleaders, represented by Bochetto, faced tax bills totaling nearly $900,000. A third club, Delilah’s, was assessed more than $630,000 in back taxes, interest, and penalties for lap dances.

The Tax Review Board in October ruled that the amusement tax law is so vague that it can only be reasonably applied to a club’s cover charge, not to other activities.

Mayor Nutter will now attempt to tax guys who, um, finish before the end of the dance.

Let The Bodies Hit The Floor

Twisted Metal Meat WagonThere is an outstanding video came series called Twisted Metal. In it, weapons-laden vehicles drive around custom maps, trying to destroy each other and anything else which gets in their way.

One such vehicle is Meat Wagon (left), whose special attack is to launch a gurney from its rear door with a bomb-laden body on it.

Sometimes, art imitates life.

Drivers traveling on a busy Bucks County, Pennsylvania, road on Friday had to navigate an unusual obstruction – a gurney carrying a corpse.

A Bucks County Coroner’s Office van was traveling down the 100 block of E. Street Road in Lower Southampton, Pennsylvania, around noon when the vehicle’s rear door malfunctioned, the coroner’s office confirms. The body then rolled out of the van and onto the road near the Bucks Crossing Shopping Center.

For those not from the area, Street Road is one of the busiest roads around. Two lanes each way, with drivers routinely hitting 45 mph. It’s a miracle no one slammed into the gurney. The corpse could have been hurt!

Residents Protest Philadelphia Fire Station

Fire Department ProtestsNearly 200 protestors stormed a Philadelphia fire station last night to protest what they perceived as a slow response to a fatal fire. Personally, it’s about time the fire department starts taking the heat off us police officers. /snark.

A large crowd convened outside the firehouse that responded to the deadly blaze where four children were killed early Saturday morning. The protest started shortly before 6:30 p.m. on Monday, outside the Ladder 4 Engine 40 firehouse at Woodland Avenue and South 65th Street.

An afternoon meeting of the Liberian Association led to some agitated residents who feel the Philadelphia Fire Department did not respond fast enough to the fire.

Dozens of police were called in as the crowd shut down Woodland Avenue and 65th Street most of the night. The crowd even blocked a fire engine from getting to a fire call.

Now isn’t that ironic?

Reports claim residents and neighbors were throwing fireworks near the residence, and some of them landed on a couch on the porch, igniting the blaze. The mother reportedly jumped from the window to escape the fire… without the children. But yes, let’s blame the fire department for only getting there in three minutes. Jackasses.

Happy Independence Day!

The Declaration Of IndependenceTwo hundred thirty-eight years ago today, the Founders decided to formally break from King George III, and declare independence from British rule.

The Declaration of Independence has since become the penultimate document of freedom for the greatest country on Earth, and it was written right here in my town.

Conflict between the colonies and England was already a year old when the colonies convened a Continental Congress in Philadelphia in the summer of 1776. In a June 7 session in the Pennsylvania State House (later Independence Hall), Richard Henry Lee of Virginia presented a resolution with the famous words: “Resolved: That these United Colonies are, and of right ought to be, free and independent States, that they are absolved from all allegiance to the British Crown, and that all political connection between them and the State of Great Britain is, and ought to be, totally dissolved.”

Take a minute from barbecuing with your friends and loved ones to read the Declaration. It is arguably the most impressive document ever written.

Never Bring A Knife To A Gunfight

Stans Health Food StoreA Philadelphia man decided to rob a health food store in the Frankford section of the city yesterday afternoon.

He chose… poorly.

The 47-year-old suspect entered the Stan’s Health Foods Store on the 7100 block of Frankford Avenue on Monday, shortly after 5 p.m.

The store owner, identified by family members as 46-year-old Sharon Doyle, was alone at the time and working at the cashier. Small says the suspect went behind the counter, grabbed the register and threw it to the ground, forcing it open.

After grabbing some cash, the suspect allegedly stood up and put his knife to Doyle’s chest. That’s when she pulled out a weapon of her own, according to investigators.

“She pulled out a revolver and shot the suspect one time in his torso,” Philadelphia Police Chief Inspector Scott Small said. “When police arrived he was behind the counter, unconscious on the ground. He still had a $100 bill clutched in his left hand.”

Might as well let him have it. The toad will need it for the funeral expenses. By the way, note the photo above. This friggin’ moron decided to rob a health food store – in Philadelphia – instead of the check cashing place next door. Wunderbar!

New Jersey Beach Revelers Spot A Sperm Whale

Sex On Sea Isle BeachA young couple from Philadelphia – naturally – were caught having sex in the ocean last weekend, releasing several new aquatic life forms into the wild.

The couple were cited for lewdness and for being too ugly to have sex in public. Check out the pic at the link.

Witnesses said the pair waded out into the water until it was about thigh height before engaging in the act in full view of the beach. The couple – a 27-year-old male and a 23-year-old female, both from Philadelphia – were charged with lewdness.

The incident, which took place in front of families with children, reportedly happened at about 4pm on Sunday on a beach in Sea Isle City, New Jersey.

Police were called to the scene and attempted to wave the couple in from the water. It apparently took the woman a long time to exit the water because she had difficulty tying up her bikini bottom.

The worst part about this story is the location. Sea Isle City is the beach of choice for the Earp Clan, and while we’re usually far north of the white trashy 43rd Street section, that guy’s swimmers may still be floating atop the surf when we get there.

The Wheels On The Bus… Fall Off

Walking School Bus

Schools in Rhode Island are embracing a new mode of transportation: the walking school bus. Sadly, the buses are still segregated. (Not really.)

For a growing number of children in Rhode Island, Iowa and other states, the school day starts and ends in the same way – they walk with their classmates and an adult volunteer to and from school. Walking school buses are catching on in school districts nationwide because they are seen as a way to fight childhood obesity, improve attendance rates and ensure that kids get to school safely.

Ten-year-old Rosanyily Laurenz signed up for the Providence walking school bus this school year. Before, she said, she was sometimes late to school when her grandmother didn’t feel well enough to walk with her. But now, “I get to walk with my friends,” Rosanyily said.

Many programs across the country are funded by the federal Safe Routes to School program, which pays for infrastructure improvements and initiatives to enable children to walk and bike to school.

That’s great for Podunk, white-bread states like Rhode Island and Iowa, but that could never happen here. My division alone – North Philly – leads the city in shootings and homicides. Call me a cynic, but I don’t want teachers walking to school, let alone students. Trust me, our walking school bus will soon become a limping victim bus in its first week.

Jersey Cop Tries To Beat The Rap

Camden Lt Benito GonzalezMeet Camden Police Lieutenant Benito Gonzalez. Benito allegedly walked into a Starbucks, pulled out his “Little Benny,” and tried to make his own personal Frappuccino®.

A Camden, New Jersey officer has been removed from duty and charged with disorderly lewdness after police say he was caught masturbating in a Starbucks.

On May 7, Lt. Benito Gonzalez Junior allegedly pulled down his shorts while seated at a table inside the coffee store and began apparently trying to put his own foam on his latte.

Hmm, I guess Lieutenant Gonzalez took the law into his own hands.