Category Archives: Coolness!

The Land Down Under

Underwear Packing Chart

If you, like me, pack fifteen days of clothes for an overnight trip, do I have a chart for you!

This is the table developed by Reed Kennedy detailing how much underwear to pack for a trip depending on the length of that trip, and how many times you’ll have to do laundry to keep those underwear clean (provided you don’t wear the same pair two days in a row because you got drunk and slept in them and never changed before leaving to go drink your hangover away the next morning). The numbers located in the inside boxes are the number of times you’ll have to do laundry (with the gold numbers being ideal).

Actually, this chart is useless to me because I always go commando on vacation.

Party Time!

Disney-Princess-Slumber-Party-disney-crossover-29812085-949-768So, on Saturday night I did the unthinkable. I allowed my pre-teen daughter to have a Slumber Party. I know what you are thinking… “Was she drinking?” The answer is no. I was in my right mind and thinking clearly.

Now I am not saying it was my best idea ever but they had a great time. I told her she could invite a few friends. I have to say she chose well with the girls she invited. They are all good kids and their parents are at least tolerable.

Yes, they were up late, they were loud, they were silly, and they watched endless cartoons and movies. I do not think they watched one clear to the end, though. They also ate like a football team. I have never seen girls eat that much junk. They ate snack bags of chips, cookies and popcorn – although a great deal of popcorn did end up on the floor.

All in all, the aftermath was not so bad. The fun they had and memories they made outweigh my sleepless night and the mess they made. The bonus – one of the moms offered to stay and help clean!

Another Google warning, this one you guys will probably try,  I googled “slumber party.” Scroll past the cartoon images if you are into naked women.

Sudan Right This Dad Is Awesome!

Jeremiah Heaton Abingdon Virginia

Wow, after seeing what this guy did for his little girl, body-boarding with Julia at Sea Isle City seems like pretty small potatoes.

Jeremiah Heaton has claimed a patch of land between Egypt and Sudan as his “kingdom” so that his 7-year-old daughter, Emily, can be a real princess.

His investigation led him to Bir Tawil, an 800 square-mile area that, due to land disputes, is not claimed by either Egypt or Sudan. The mountainous region is one of the last unclaimed pieces of land on earth.

Heaton trekked through the desert in June and planted the “Heaton kingdom” flag – designed by his kids – in the soil of Bir Tawil. When he got home, he requested that everyone address his 7-year-old daughter as “Princess Emily.” He and his wife, Kelly, also got her a princess crown.

Heaton says he is pursuing “formal recognition” from African countries and is “confident” his claim will be taken seriously.

It will until ISIS decides they want Heatonesia to become a caliphate; then all bets are off.

Benny, Bring Me Everyone. EVERYONE!

Gary Oldman The ProfessionalGary Oldman is one of my favorite actors of all time. After you read this piece of awesome, he may be yours, as well.

Oldman, in a tremendous interview, steps on the politically-correct glasses most Hollywood types wear.

The profanity-laced statements are included in an interview with the July-August issue of Playboy. The most explosive part of the interview includes attacks on Maher, Stewart and House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi, following his declaration that political correctness is “crap.”

“Well, if I called Nancy Pelosi a c*** — and I’ll go one better, a f****** useless c*** — I can’t really say that. But Bill Maher and Jon Stewart can, and nobody’s going to stop them from working because of it. Bill Maher could call someone a fag and get away with it. He said to Seth MacFarlane this year, ‘I thought you were going to do the Oscars again. Instead they got a lesbian.’ He can say something like that. Is that more or less offensive than Alec Baldwin saying to someone in the street, ‘You fag’? I don’t get it.”

Oldman… also asserted that the culture in Hollywood during the past awards season was such that “if you didn’t vote for ’12 Years a Slave,’ you were a racist. You have to be very careful about what you say.”

I’m sorry, but the only thing I retained from that interview was the phrase “Nancy Pelosi is a f**king useless c**t.” Expect Oldman to be blacklisted in 3… 2…

The Pen Is Mightier Than Megatron’s Sword

Transformer Pen

This Transformer is more than meets the eye. It transforms into a working ink pen. (Yes, the morons in my division call a pen an “ink pen.”) Any hoo, while the idea is novel, the toy gun means these will be banned by public schools in 3… 2…

These are the fully poseable Optimus Prime action figures that transform into writing pens. They run between $35-$40 depending on the colorway. For reference, you could get like 200-300 Bic pens for that. Granted those aren’t going to do any transforming, but you could modify them into spit-ball shooters.

Dr. Evil is emptying his bank account as we speak…

(Sorry. I got nothing today. I’m simply not in the mood.)

Happy Father’s Day!

Father's Day

Let’s be honest, dads; Father’s Day is one of the most useless holidays ever created. It is only slightly more important than Arbor Day… and deservedly so. Why give us credit for slipping one past the goalie? Primates can do that, and we don’t reward them with a special day.

I guess your mileage may vary, but between my shift work and blogging/writing assignments, Mrs. Earp pretty much raised our children on her own. I’m merely the coach/taxi/guy who drops the hammer when they misbehave. Believe me, I don’t need any credit today.

What I do need it barbecue, which I will be receiving. So that’s something.

Happy Father’s Day to all the real Dads out there! Enjoy your day.

Infamous Grave May Be Italy’s Cross To Bear

Possible Dracula HeadstoneSince it’s Friday the 13th, I figured this would be an appropriate first post of the day. Scholars believe they have found the grave of Vlad the Impaler, otherwise known as Dracula.

Count Vlad Tepes, the so-called Dracula, was thought to have died in battle. But scholars from the University of Tallinn say they have discovered documentary evidence that he was in fact taken prisoner, ransomed to his daughter – by then safe in Italy – and buried in a church in Naples. And a newly uncovered headstone in Naples’ Piazza Santa Maria La Nova, in the same graveyard as his daughter and son-in-law, could be his final resting place.

Medieval history scholar Raffaello Glinni said that the 16th century tomb is covered in images and symbols of the House of the Transylvanian ‘Carpathians’, not in keeping with the tomb of an Italian nobleman.

“The dragon means Dracula and the two opposing sphinxes represent the city of Thebes also called Tepes. In these symbols, Dracula Tepes, the very name of the count is written.”

I’ll bet Glinni hopes the grave is authentic. He has a lot at stake.

Ladies, Yoga Love These Pants!

Dear Kate Yoga PantsA chemical engineering student has designed yoga pants which enable women to go commando.

I heartily endorse this event or product.

Launched by former chemical engineering student Julie Sygiel, Dear Kate yoga pants were to designed to be worn without underwear, made with high-tech fabric and lining that’s wicking, breathable and prevents chafing and VPLs (Visible Panty Lines).

What’s more, going commando in your yoga pants means there’s no risk of bunching, riding up or unsightly panty lines, and no need to wear thongs to work out.

So, do they make them for men? What??? I would like to buy every female reader a pair of these pants. My gift… to you.

This Little Piggy Goes, “Wheee!”

You Had Me At Bacon

Our troops defend America’s freedom, opportunity, and values. As admirable as those characteristics are, many of our heroes also defend America’s greatest resource: bacon.

Are you a narcissist? Do you love bacon and free stuff?

Yes, and yes!

Well then, you’re in luck, because if you enter this contest, you could get a personalized bust of your face made out of a something way better than marble – bacon.

Behold – the “bacon or bust” competition from Farmland Bacon Club that is turning the art world upside down (and frying it). The only catch? It’s actually pretty simple – just sign up to be a member of the Farmland Bacon Club by June 15th, and you’ll be entered to win a life-size bacon sculpture of your face, as well as a year’s worth of free bacon delivered right to your doorstep. That sounds (and tastes) like freedom to us.

Mmm, a year’s worth of bacon delivered to my door. I’ll be in my bunk!

I Am Iron Girl

Urban Armor Dress

Meet the Urban Armor Dress; the only dress my daughter will ever wear.

This is the Urban Armor Dress designed by Kathleen McDermott. It has two proximity detectors that cause the dress to expand outward like an umbrella if somebody is standing too close. Once their presence is no longer detected, it closes back up again. Plus as a bonus deterrent it sounds like a robot dying the whole time it’s moving.

In hindsight, it appears the dress lifts as it expands, but that’s okay; the chastity belt will make short work of curious boys.