Category Archives: Evil = Funny

The Devil Is Just Phoning It In

david-puddyA Polish priest has a problem with his cell phone’s roaming charges. Apparently, Hell is an out-of-area call.

A Catholic priest in Poland apparently claims that the devil won’t stop with his unlimited hexes. Father Marian Rajchel, from Jaroslaw, Poland, said he attempted to perform an exorcism on a teenage girl. Things went awry, yadda yadda yadda, now Lucifer won’t stop texting his phone.

The priest claimed that in one of the texts, sent from the phone of the supposedly possessed girl, the devil told him to give up trying to save her.

“She will not come out of this hell. She’s mine. Anyone who prays for her will die,” Rajchel said that Satan said. When the priest replied, Satan allegedly got super fussy about it.

How pathetic must Satan be to threaten a priest via text message? Where’s the projectile vomiting? Where’s the fire and brimstone?

Dude isn’t even trying anymore.

Keep Your Arms Inside The Ride At All Times!

pirates-of-the-caribbeanYeah. I used to say that to my college girlfriends when we hooked up. It was good advice then, and it’s good advice now.

A British tourist had the tops of two of his fingers sliced off while riding on the Pirates of the Caribbean attraction at Disney World in Florida. The victim lost the tip of his ring and little finger after apparently dangling them outside the log fume ride which inspired the Johnny Depp movies.

Spokesman Bo Jones said: ‘When the medics got to him he was already out of the ride and on the platform.

“He was very calm and not freaking out, and the medics said he said the accident was his fault as he had his hand where it should not have been.”

Stupid Brits. We need another revolution to thin out their numbers a little.

Here’s Your Sign

Godzilla AttackBack in the old days, you had to get up close and personal to vandalize a street sign. My personal favorite was inserting unwanted commas. For example, making a sign read, “No, Turn On Red.” In the digital age, it is far easier to frak with people. To wit.

A prankster is getting points for creativity after hacking an electronic traffic sign in San Francisco warning of a “Godzilla Attack.” The sign was spotted on Van Ness Avenue Wednesday night, reading ‘Godzilla Attack – Turn Back.”

The mobile sign was supposed to be warning drivers about traffic delays during Sunday’s Bay to Breakers foot race. The sign has since been fixed.

I don’t know how he did it, but I guaran-damn-tee Dr. Evil is responsible.

European Vacation

Camden

A website has listed the ten worst vacation spots on Earth. Philadelphia didn’t make the cut, but our cross-rvier neighbor Camden, New Jersey came in at an impressive #7. Kudos!

Adding the crime rate, the local authority rating and cleanliness statistics over the past 18 months, buyagift.com has put together the top 10 areas not to visit. With 3,234 vehicle thefts, 141 murders and 2,462 robberies, Stolipinovo in Plovdiv, Bulgaria, was named the worst destination in the world for a holiday.

Bogota in Colombia followed closely behind – with 255,575 violent crimes and 63,440 robberies. Golyanovo in Moscow, Russia, is in third place, with Ferentari in Bucharest, Romania, and Naucalpan in Juarez, Mexico, making up the top five.

Sadly, Hrebendova – a neighborhood in Bratislava, Slovakia – came in at number ten. Yeah, maybe I won’t take that trip to the Motherland after all.

Jon Prefers Hammboning

Jon Hamm Porn StarDon’t get me wrong; it’s great Mollie is posting pics of hot guys for the ladies who stroll around these parts. Of course, once in a while, a story about a hot guy comes attached to one of the funniest tales evah. You see, Mad Men was not Jon Hamm’s first job. Jon spent some time screwing around with douchebags and dildos.

In a new Vanity Fair profile, the 43-year-old actor has described his previous job of working on soft porn movies as “soul crushing.” The Mad Men actor was a set-dresser on softcore adult movies in the late 1990s and says it was one of the worst jobs he’d ever had.

Discussing a recently resurfaced episode of The Big Date which he appeared on in 1996, he said: “I was actually at that time working as a set dresser for Cinemax soft-core-porn movies. It was soul-crushing.”

According to Wikipedia, “Set dressers arrange objects on a film set before shooting.” I can see it now. “Okay Jon, move the Astroglide a little closer to Candi’s ass, then take the nipple clamps and place them by the dresser…”

I Am The Lizard King!

GEICO GeckoA Chicago man was rushed to the emergency room after spending the day naked in the wilderness. Apparently, rolling around with creepy crawlies is not good for your love life.

And before you ask, no, I do not live in Chicago.

A man identified only as “Shawn” went to a Chicago emergency room because of serious pain in his urinary tract. Shawn was having trouble urinating, but wouldn’t explain why. The threat of having a catheter inserted got him to spill the beans, according to emergency physician Dr. Katrina Nguyen.

He said his ailment stemmed from his wife criticizing his sexual performance and daring him to be more adventurous. To satisfy her, he decided to spend time some time naked in the great outdoors to find his “sexual spirit.”

“He’s frolicking around, enjoying the sunshine and being with nature is how he told me,” Nguyen said. “Then a legless lizard slithered near him.” The unusual reptile climbed Shaw’s leg and eventually crawled into his urethra.

Wow, iguana need some serious antibiotics after that!

Shooting The Bull

Stewie Shoots BrianI always cringe when I read a story about a careless cop. Partly because it brings out the anti-cop crowd, and partly because people think one moron represents us all. That said, this story is high-larious.

Riverside County, California – A California Deputy got so scared of a dog that approached him, that he tried to draw his service weapon and shot himself in the leg instead. Somebody missed that “quick draw” class at the academy. The deputy was in the neighborhood to serve court papers on a resident in the 3000 block of Eucalyptus Avenue at 2 p.m. on Wednesday. It was then that he was approached by a “large” dog who came at him “aggressively.”

According to the Sheriff’s Department spokesperson, the deputy was in fear for his safety and attempted to draw his gun, but shot himself in the leg instead. He was hospitalized with non-life-threatening injuries. The Deputy’s name has not been released. The sound of the gunshot immediately “calmed” the dog, and the deputy was not bitten. (H/TEasily Lost)

This is bad enough, but one outlet was reporting the pit bull was behind the fence. If that’s true, just retire, dude.

Don’t Call Me Francis

PAPAL WAVEThose of us who were schooled by the Jesuits knew one of our own would be a controversial choice for Pope. That said, Pope Francis has been rock solid… more or less.

Pope Francis may need to go to confession after inadvertently blurting out an Italian F-bomb during his weekly blessing from the Vatican.

“If each one of us does not amass riches only for oneself, but half for the service of others, in this f–k [pause], in this case the providence of God will become visible through this gesture of solidarity,” Francis said to the faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square, Italian media reported.

His Holiness meant to use the Italian word for “example,” which is “caso.” Instead, he used the word “cazzo,” which Italians use as a synonym for the four-letter obscenity.

I don’t know about you, but I like my pontiffs with a little street in them. Word up, P!

The Wheels On The Bus Go Burn, Burn, Burn

Indy Boys Jet Bus

A Newark, NJ mayoral candidate had his campaign bus torched Sunday morning.

Days after the Newark mayoral race became a two-man campaign, one candidate’s preferred mode of transportation was set on fire next to his Central Ward campaign headquarters. According to a press release from the campaign of South Ward Councilman and Newark mayoral candidate Ras Baraka, the red-white-and-blue Baraka campaign bus was torched early Sunday morning.

According to Capt. John Brown, spokesperson for the Newark Fire Department, the department responded to a 7:01 a.m. phone call about a “small fire” at 421 Central Avenue. The fire was found centered on a seat inside the Baraka campaign bus.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, the guy from Mortal Kombat is running for mayor of Newark? Eh, I guess he’s still more qualified than Barack Obama…

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Classless In Seattle

Seattle Fans Throwing Bottles At PoliceBeing a Flyers fan, I always wanted my team to bring home the Stanley Cup. Once I became a police officer, this is a dream that can be put off for twenty more years.

Yes Seattle, you won the Super Bowl; now you can process the crime scenes.

The cheers, tears and joyful hugs to mark the Seahawks first-ever Super Bowl victory turned violent late last night and early this morning.

Two men were shot and wounded near the massive celebration in Pioneer Square. Bottles and rocks were thrown at Seattle police and the windows of businesses were broken out, said police spokesman Mark Jamieson.

Two shootings, and bottles thrown at police. Even in victory, people have to act like animals.