Today is the 244th anniversary of the Boston Massacre, but I thought, considering recent events in the Ukraine, this post was more apropos. March 5, 1953 – Joseph Stalin Dies.
Like his right-wing counterpart, Hitler, who was born in Austria, Joseph Stalin was not a native of the country he ruled with an iron fist. Isoeb Dzhugashvili was born in 1889 in Georgia, then part of the old Russian empire. The son of a drunk who beat him mercilessly and a pious washerwoman mother, Stalin learned Russian, which he spoke with a heavy accent all his life, in an Orthodox Church-run school. While studying to be a priest at Tiflis Theological Seminary, he began secretly reading Karl Marx and other left-wing revolutionary thinkers.
…Stalin did not mellow with age; he prosecuted a reign of terror, purges, executions, exiles to the Gulag Archipelago, and persecution in the postwar USSR, suppressing all dissent and anything that smacked of foreign, especially Western European, influence. To the great relief of many, he died of a massive heart attack on March 5, 1953. He is remembered to this day as the man who helped save his nation from Nazi domination—and as the mass murderer of the century, having overseen the deaths of between 8 million and 10 million of his own people.
People choose not to believe it, but Hitler was a piker compared to Stalin. Iron Joe was arguably the worst mass murderer in human history.
Funny thing about Russia, though; one dictator dies, and another one springs up immediately afterward… like a weed.
Meet Jessica Strom. Jessica was unhappy in her relationship, so instead of breaking up with her fiancé – yeah, two posts in a row where I used that term – she decided to rub him out. And not in a good way.
Jessica Strom, 33, allegedly wanted her beau, lawyer John Schellpfeffer, clipped at his office, according to Wausau Police Department reports. To help guide the gunman, Strom, a mother of three young children, provided a diagram of the 49-year-old Schellpfeffer’s workplace, as well as details about the daily routine of some of the attorney’s neighbors.
Though the pilot had declined the hit solicitation, Strom asked him to think about it overnight. But, she warned, “Don’t tell anyone about this. I don’t want to have to kill you too.” The man subsequently contacted cops and agreed to record a meeting with Strom.
Though he had initially asked for $50,000 to kill Schellpfeffer, the informant told Strom that he would settle for $1000, adding “It’s better than nothing, I guess.” Strom replied, “And some sex!” At some point after the killing, Strom told the informant that she would meet up with him and “pay you and f**k you and whatever.”
You know, for a prospective cold-blooded killer, she’s kinda hot. Although the smiling mug shot creeps me out a little.
Scarlet Johansson’s fiancé finally slipped one past the goalie. The Avengers star is reportedly pregnant with her first child.
Her surprise pregnancy news shocked her film fans when it was announced this week. But the news seems to have come as a surprise to Scarlett Johansson’s film bosses, too.
The 29-year-old actress is reportedly due to welcome her first child into the world with her fiancé Romain Dauriac, 31, in August, but shooting for her upcoming movie The Avengers: Age Of Ultron, may need to be re-scheduled to fit around her growing baby bump.
For the record, besides her obvious beauty and ridiculously smoking hot body, Scarlett Johansson has no redeeming qualities. None. She is a huge liberal, a staunch Barack Obama supporter, and a fervent cheerleader for Planned Parenthood. (Although, if she were really so self-righteous, she’d abort her newly discovered “clump of cells.”)
Now that we got that unpleasant business out of the way…
Those of us who were schooled by the Jesuits knew one of our own would be a controversial choice for Pope. That said, Pope Francis has been rock solid… more or less.
Pope Francis may need to go to confession after inadvertently blurting out an Italian F-bomb during his weekly blessing from the Vatican.
“If each one of us does not amass riches only for oneself, but half for the service of others, in this f–k [pause], in this case the providence of God will become visible through this gesture of solidarity,” Francis said to the faithful gathered in St. Peter’s Square, Italian media reported.
His Holiness meant to use the Italian word for “example,” which is “caso.” Instead, he used the word “cazzo,” which Italians use as a synonym for the four-letter obscenity.
I don’t know about you, but I like my pontiffs with a little street in them. Word up, P!
Meet Michael Luecke. Michael knows the difference between a good touch and a bad touch.
A 72-year-old substitute teacher at Westhill High School was put on suicide watch after he was allegedly caught masturbating in a school hallway while looking at school children Wednesday morning shortly after the school day began.
According to police, at about 7:33 a.m. Michael Luecke was spotted lying on the floor by a teacher’s assistant who thought he was injured. When she got closer, she realized the man had his hand in his pants and he was fully aroused.
The assistant then yelled at Luecke and notified school officials. Luecke ran off at that point.
Amazingly, Leucke had no problem pushing open the exit doors without using his hands.
Today is my annual police department Hell Week. For the next four days I will be stuck in a classroom, bored literally to death by police supervisors pretending to be teachers; for today begins annual MPO training. Thirty-two boring, boobless hours of CPR – hence the female eye candy above – first aid, legal updates, and a lecture on social media, where I thoroughly expect to be told the department frowns upon free speech.
No one, and I mean no one, schedules this training consecutively; mostly because 32 hours of sleep is more than enough for the average human. I, however, am a masochist, so I require my pain in one sitting.
For those not in the know, this is how my typical training day will play out:
1. Find a chair in the back of the room next to a wall – so only one idiot can sit next to me instead of two.
2. Check my e-mail through my phone.
3. Begin the epic battle of Earphage, where my eyelids battle the barbarian horde known as boredom.
4. Mmm. soft pretzels!
7. Fight off sleep from the heavy, beerless lunch.
8. Doodle on my handout booklet.
10. Literally knock people over running for the exit.
Repeat four times.
While at training, I won’t have access to teh innernetz, save for my phone. So don’t get a complex; it’s not you, it’s me.
UPDATE: The second class is an introduction to social media. “I hear the internet is on computers now!”. Shoot me.
Sorry: We were without power since 2pm. This was supposed to be updated before then.
The Stand And Deliver Pizza Caption Contest has now concluded.
Top Five Entries:
5. NYC Peasant: Only half a kilo? They only gave me half a kilo of Soylent Red!!!!
De Blasio: Call in the scoops! – Richard D.
4. The line for the new iPhone gets out of hand. – Veeshir
…and I did it my…. wayyyyy…..
♬ – Rodney Dill
2. Hungry? Grab a Despot… – Dr. Evil
WINNER! – Six months into Mayor Alec Baldwin’s first term, the citizens of Manhattan line up to sign their loyalty oaths. – JT
One night last September, Mrs. Earp took my 9-year old (now ten) son Erik to his first outdoor soccer practice of the season. I would’ve taken him, but I was laid up with vertigo. The missus came home and said Erik’s team needed a coach… and she “volunteered” me.
I coached high school lacrosse for 19 years, and helped coach my oldest son’s soccer team, but a head soccer coach? I was apprehensive, but confident in my abilities.
We finished the outdoor season with a record of 0-10.
Indoor would be better, I told myself; it almost had to be. If we won one game, it would be an improvement. The boys played well – especially Erik, who was my superstar in outdoor – and we won a game. Then another. Then another…
In a perfect world, some countries would be wiped off the map, simply for general principle. For my money, Somalia would be first on the list.
UNICEF is weaving a delicate campaign to educate communities in Somaliland about the harms of female genital mutilation and to get leaders, who are meeting there this month to debate the practice, to denounce it. Child rights advocates in nearly 30 countries are fighting to reduce the number of girls subjected to the cutting of their genitalia, a practice that goes back thousands of years and that Somali practitioners often link to Islamic requirements.
Female genital mutilation comes in many different forms. The other form known by the Somali teens is sewing the vagina shut until marriage. In Somalia, the cultural expectation for girls to undergo genital mutilation comes down to sex and marriage. Men expect to marry a virgin. If a girl has not undergone female genital mutilation, she is considered unclean.
“You are stitched and not opened up until the day of your marriage,” [UNICEF officer Charity Kinya] Koronya continued. “They say someone who is open, anyone can go in.”
But enough about Kim Kardashian… Maybe I am simply another ignorant American, but a culture that not only allows, but promotes, genital mutilation is one the world could do without. These women are not your f**king property; they’re human beings, and sewing them up to placate a prospective husband is barbaric and intolerable. Your god
would should be ashamed.
I didn’t watch the Academy Awards this year – nor have I any year – but it’s always a nice excuse to post photos of Christina Hendricks and her sweater puppies. Sadly, I haven’t seen anything mentioning Christina this year, so I’ll settle for Amy Adams.
Rain almost threatened to rain on the parade of Hollywood’s biggest night on Sunday. But luckily, many of Hollywood’s leading ladies looked unfazed by the drizzly weather in Los Angeles with Amy Adams looking chic in a navy blue strapless Gucci gown and Lupita Nyong’o in a baby blue plunging Prada fairytale number.
Oh, and a laurel and hearty handshake to Jennifer Lawrence, who face-planted on the red carpet again this year.
UPDATE: Buzzsaw came through! Check below the fold…