Meet Michael Luecke. Michael knows the difference between a good touch and a bad touch.
A 72-year-old substitute teacher at Westhill High School was put on suicide watch after he was allegedly caught masturbating in a school hallway while looking at school children Wednesday morning shortly after the school day began.
According to police, at about 7:33 a.m. Michael Luecke was spotted lying on the floor by a teacher’s assistant who thought he was injured. When she got closer, she realized the man had his hand in his pants and he was fully aroused.
The assistant then yelled at Luecke and notified school officials. Luecke ran off at that point.
Amazingly, Leucke had no problem pushing open the exit doors without using his hands.
The People’s Republic of Massachusetts, arguably the most egregious offender of liberty known to man, approved a new Honey Dew Donuts store. The approval came with a caveat, however; the doughnut store cannot sell… doughnuts.
A doughnut shop chain won’t be selling doughnuts at a new Massachusetts location. Quincy’s licensing board this week approved a plan for Honey Dew Donuts to open a shop inside the city’s new $30 million YMCA.
A spokeswoman for the Y tells The Patriot Ledger that because of the organization’s emphasis on physical fitness, no doughnuts will be sold. All menu items must be approved by the Y.
The irony here is they might as well sell the doughnuts, because Massachusetts-area YMCA’s do not allow sports programs, swimming pools or exercise equipment.
A female commenter I won’t name – it rhymes with “Mollie” – suggested I put up a weekly post for the ladies. Now, while I can’t promise I can deliver every week – “That’s what she said” – I can deliver today.
US swimmer Ryan Lochte is apparently Jonesing for attention, so he tweeted out this photo, taken at a Speedo shoot.
He suffered a freak injury last year when an over-enthusiastic fan put him out of action after she jumped on him. But Ryan Lochte has clearly been keeping up his training regime, showing off his impressive abs in a new shoot for Speedo and he gave fans a sneak peek on Instagram.
The shot shows Lochte, famous for his ‘Jeah’ catchphrase, wearing just a pair of tiny white speedos and he captioned it ‘Share your speedo shot #myspeedo @speedousa #jeah (sic).’
Wow, that swimsuit is tinier than Dr. Evil’s… never mind.
An online magazine ranked the 50 states – and Washington, D.C. – according to the time it takes the average citizen to “straighten out their Longfellow.”
A not-very-scientific ranking of states determined those that have the longest and shortest duration of sex. Topping the list, by a large margin is New Mexico, where an act of love lasts just over 7 minutes, according to Nerve, an online magazine dedicated to sex, relationships and culture.
The data comes from Spreadsheets, a sex activity app that promises to “track your performance between the sheets.” The app monitors the users’ movement and audio levels, using the phone’s accelerometer and microphone.
While the slogan reads “Virginia is for lovers,” apparently love is very fleeting. Virginia ranks number 37, with a duration of 2 minutes 23 seconds. And, while things take forever to get accomplished on Capitol Hill, love gets done very fast in the District of Columbia. D.C. is ranked number 45, with a duration of 2 minutes 8 seconds.
You can check your state’s average at the link.
For the record, because I know the ladies are going to ask, my state (Pennsylvania) is in the middle of the pack: 2 minutes, 58 seconds. Trust me when I tell you, I am WELL above that average. Well above. I don’t have many talents, but this is one of them.
Being a sarcastic, sophomoric, jerkass, this is the most difficult post I have ever written here. Partly because it is chock full of double entendre, and partly because the subject is only 15 – so I have to reign in my commenting impulses.
With that, meet Haley Hall… the world’s youngest sword swallower.
Some 14-year-old girls ask their dads for an iPhone. Some want earrings. Others want to go to parties where the adult supervision ranges from less-than-ideal to nonexistent. All Haley Hall wanted was a 17-inch steel sword — to swallow.
A Pennsylvania couple – naturally – were found dead inside their vehicle after having sex in a car… with the engine running… in a closed garage.
I hesitate to mock the dead, but thank Vishnu they never reproduced.
Keith Payton and Salina Johnson, both 40, of Pennsylvania, were already dead when emergency services found them inside the vehicle in a garage.
The ignition was still on but the car had run out of fuel. Extremely high levels of carbon monoxide were detected. Police believe the couple had pulled over for sex because Ms Johnson was partially clothed when they were found.
Marijuana and drug paraphernalia were found in the car, according to Old Lycoming Township police. A kerosene heater also was on but it had also run out of fuel.
The engine was running and a kerosene heater was operating? Wow. Just wow.
A California man was caught trying to hide a kilo of cocaine using a technique he must have seen on Archer.
Daniel Ramirez, 21, of California, was making the 41-hour journey to Chicago when he was stopped Tuesday by Drug Enforcement Agency officers for questioning during a routine stop in New Mexico. A subsequent search led to the discovery of one kilo of cocaine sealed in five separate packages stuffed inside a poorly constructed cast wrapped around his right leg, the documents originally posted to the Smoking Gun revealed.
DEA agents from the Albuquerque field office began questioning the man after they noticed the cast was “uneven in texture, size and shaping not consistent with that of a cast applied by a medical professional.”
Way to go, Chokely Carmichael! Looks like Ramirez needed his own Dr. Krieger.
A New York City business (naturally) is offering co-ed naked yoga classes. Moments after this story was published, the entire studio turned into a sausage-fest.
Bold & Naked is a new yoga studio in Chelsea that offers completely nude yoga classes that are either all male, all female or male and female, Outside magazine reports. The studio also offers some clothed classes.
According to Bold & Naked’s website, the purpose of unclothed yoga is not to titillate. “While many equate being naked with sex, this couldn’t be further from the truth in a naked yoga class. It’s about being comfortable in your own skin and the amazing confidence that comes with it. It’s about knowing, accepting and loving yourself at your core.” (H/T – Rick)
Among the tabs at the top off the website are “Schedule,” “Events,” and “Privates.” Yeah, I didn’t want to click that last link.
Meet Helen Ann Williams, of Charleston, South Carolina. She looks like a Helen. Any hoo, Helen really likes her beer; so much so she stabs people with pottery when she doesn’t receive it.
Helen Ann Williams, 44, was in the Charleston County jail on $10,000 cash bond, jail records showed Friday. She faces a hearing in Charleston County Circuit Court in April on a felony charge of domestic violence of a high and aggravated nature.
According to the police report, Williams’ 41-year-old husband set out to buy some beer late Tuesday night, but he returned home empty-handed because the stores were closed.
That enraged Williams, according to the report, and as her husband set about making himself a sandwich, she picked up the ceramic squirrel and conked him over the head with it. Then she stabbed him in the chest with it. (H/T – 911)
In fairness, the squirrel was merely a distraction…
Meet Marcey Hawk. Now meet her bodacious ta-tas.
Like many well-endowed women, Marcey is making her, uh, talent, work for her. But instead of suffering paper cuts from one dollar bills, Marcey decided to make money the old-fashioned way: by painting canvases with her cans.
A daring artist is putting her 30D breasts to good use – by using them as ‘brushes’ to paint pictures. Marcey Hawk covers her bosoms in paint and then presses them against her canvasses.
The artist, whose work has been bought by celebs such as Russell Brand and Hugh Hefner, uses a mixture of colors and angles her breasts in different directions and shapes to create her eye-catching pieces.
Marcey has five methods she favors: the whole breast print, nipple print, ‘just the tip’ method, the ‘squish and swirl’ and her newest method which she calls the titty twerk.
I thought about doing something like this with my manly bits, but there’s no market for artwork painted on the back of a postage stamp.