Category Archives: Snarkasm

That’s (NOT) Racist

Jackie_Robinson_No5_comic_book_cover

As Wyatt so politely mentioned, I have been busy as of late. I have been walking a dog, falling in love, plotting world domination, the usual! My posting, which was once a day at some point, has fallen worse than the GNP to maybe once every month. However, something comes along every so often I cannot ignore. Surprisingly, it’s not a ScarJo or Alice Eve nip slip. But if that does happen…

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Menstruation For Dummies

CrampsGuys, many women are fond of saying blood flow from the brain makes us stupid.

Correct as that may be, that door apparently swings both ways.

Period pain is a common problem for many women and is known to cause discomfort and, sometimes, nausea. But new research suggests it could also make sufferers less intelligent.

British researchers discovered that the pain reduces cognitive performance. The researchers asked 52 adults with period pain to complete tests that examined their attention.

The tests measured their ability to choose between competing tasks, their attention spans and their ability to switch their attention between two tasks. The researchers found period pain reduced overall performance.

See ladies, we might be obnoxious, sarcastic, insensitive brutes, but you’re all stupid. So stop giving us crap when your Aunt Flo is in town! We’ll remember to take out the trash next week.

The Most Surprising Study Evah

Peter And Lois Griffin

A recent study found half of all high school/college men claim they endured “unwanted sex” from an aggressive female. Everything you ever wanted to know about Millennials can be found right here.

According to a study published in the American Psychological Association journal, Psychology of Men and Masculinity, a survey of 284 young men found that a whopping 18 percent reported forceful sexual coercion, 31 percent claimed to have been verbally coerced, and 26 percent said they were seduced by “sexual behaviors.”

Half of the men that experienced the coercion reported that they ended up having sex against their will.

You know how many times I had sex against my will? NONE, BECAUSE I’M A GUY! Even if a woman forced herself upon me – and believe me, it happens all the time – I would never resist… again, because I’m a guy.

Is this an indication of female empowerment gone too far? Are we now just taking it from these guys even when they don’t want it? And how are we even getting it? For the most part, guys are bigger and stronger than us … in theory it shouldn’t be that difficult to gently push a forward female off his person, should a guy not want it.

I’m guessing that the majority of women that seduce unsuspecting males do so more psychologically than physically. All it might take is a well-placed comment about him not being masculine enough to do the deed to fire up that male competitiveness.

I can’t speak for every guy, but a well-placed comment like “Hi!” would be enough for me to take a trip to the boneyard.

Bacon Arsonist Almost Burns House To Bits

Cameo Crispi The Bacon ArsonistMeet Cameo Crispi. Crispi is accused of setting fire to her ex-boyfriend’s house… by burning bacon. The offense of intentionally burning bacon should come with a mandatory death penalty.

A woman named Cameo Crispi tried to set her ex-boyfriend’s home on fire by burning a pound of bacon, police have said. The 31-year-old mother from Uintah County, Utah was arrested on March 14 and has been charged with arson.

Her arrest came after her ex-boyfriend called Naples police to say that he had received numerous phone calls and texts from Crispi in just an hour and wanted her to stop. Speaking with officers, he also said that he did not want her at his house.

When an officer went to the home, he found Crispi there and noted she was drunk. A test found that she had a blood-alcohol content of 0.346…

Holy crap, how does someone even survive a BAC of 0.346? And I know what you’re thinking, “Yeah Wyatt, you’d hit it so hard if we pulled you out you would be the King of England.” You would be wrong. I rather shtupp with women with hairy legs than bacon abusers.

Man Of Steel

Wyatt In Bed

A recent survey by a deodorant company – don’t ask – showed a man’s ideal day would involve almost four and half hours of sexa day. Apparently they only surveyed unemployed 20-year old slackers who live in their parents’ brothel.

Thanks to a survey conducted by Unilever Deodorants, we now know that men are — surprise!– terribly unrealistic when it comes to time management. [T]he research revealed that men want to spend a lot more time having sex. Like, a lot. Hide your vagina. Although most guys “finish” in a timely manner, the men surveyed said that their “ideal day” would include, on average, 4 hours and 19 minutes of sex!

And after the epic sex/to-do list session, then what would a guys do with the rest of their day? Participants said they would allot 3 hours and 36 to their job, 3 hours and 22 minutes to hanging out with friends and family, 3 hours and 22 minutes to sleeping, 2 hours and 38 minutes to eating and 29 minutes “grooming.”

Okay, let me crunch the numbers here. Four hours and twenty minutes of sex… average time I last… carry the one… mmm-hmm… That would mean I would have to have sex 130 times a day. I better run out and get some Gold Bond Medicated Cream for afterward.

Oh, and just so we’re clear, I wrecked the bell curve with the grooming times. My back ain’t gonna shave itself, ya know!

The Taming Of The Screw

Damn... Sluts

Americans are infamous for their pet causes. Some people fight for civil liberties, some fight against cancer, and others fight for the right to be a hoor.

Two New York-based twenty-something’s have started a podcast where they interview men they have slept with in an effort to shut down the practice of slut-shaming.

Since launching, friends and stand-up comedy duo Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson have gathered more than 200,000 SoundCloud subscribers to their program Guys We F*****, The Anti Slut-Shaming Podcast. On the show, they interview men they have slept with in order to tell other women “have a lot of sex and be proud of it,” Miss Hutchinson [said].

To quote Krusty the Clown, “I heartily endorse this event or product!” Ladies, you should be having sex all day, every day; preferably with a dim-witted Philadelphia-area blogger. That said, I have some thoughts on this subject.

First of all, the notion of “slut-shaming” is ridiculous. Everyone knows a true slut or three, so I ask you; are they capable of being shamed? Worse still, the definition of “slut” varies from person to person. The women of my generation probably seemed like sluts to my parents’ generation, and like prudes to the Millennials. People like me think a slut is someone who boinks a guy after knowing him for 3.5 seconds. And even then, it’s a judgment call, because one woman’s slut is another man’s soon-to-be-ex-wife. Hey-o!

Second, click the link and take a look at these chicks. Does anyone believe these potato faces are having a lot of sex? Even I wouldn’t bang these hags… okay, I would, but I wouldn’t like it! Your first red flag is their occupation: stand-up comediennes. In life, there are two truisms about women: 1. No matter how hot she is, some guy is tired of banging her, and 2. female comedians are never, ever funny. The only exception to the second truism is Lisa Lampanelli, and she acts like a guy, so she doesn’t count.

Look, if Fisher and Hutchinson believe they’re doing the Lord’s work, more power to them, but if I want to hear about sexual conquests, I’ll listen to the audiobook of my sex life: As I Lay Crying.

Sri Lanka’s Job Market Is In Full Swing

The HangmanIn this economy, people are taking even the most menial job. Not so in Sri Lanka, where they can’t pay someone to hang their thugs.

Sri Lanka is searching for a new hangman after the latest recruit got upset on seeing the gallows for the first time and quit.

The Prisons Department appointed the new hangman, the third most qualified from 176 applicants, last week, months after two hangmen chosen late last year failed to show up for work.

“We gave him one week’s training, but he resigned after seeing the gallows, saying that he didn’t want the job,” said Chandrarathna Pallegama, commissioner general of prisons.

Believe it or not, I could do this. I’m also highly qualified for the position. I hate people, I am good at tying knots, and the job is rife with opportunities for sarcastic comments. “Hey buddy, I haven’t seen you hanging around here for a while…”

They should hire some Americans to do the jobs Sri Lankans won’t do. Call me!

A Kiss Before Buying

First Kiss

A Georgian filmmaker created a clothing ad by taking footage of random strangers sharing a first kiss. Apparently this is a thing.

A first kiss is an intimate and sometimes nerve-wracking moment for any two people, but what happens if they have never met each other before?

That’s the theme that Los Angeles-based filmmaker Tatia Pilieva explores in her new video First Kiss, in which she asks 20 complete strangers to lock lips on screen – with some surprising results.

While most of the participants laugh nervously to fill the awkward silences before their kiss, many of them become passionately lost in the moment when they finally lean in.

Okay, I hate to ruin this heartwarming moment, but let’s face it: that’s what I do. Check out the couples at the link. The guys are all handsome and the woman are all attractive. This is in no way a representative sample of the general population. Trust me, people who look like me don’t get asked to kiss complete strangers.

Now call me a cynic, but if Ms. Pilieva took completely random strangers of all shapes, sizes, and colors, then ad would have come out much differently. All the ugly, fat guys would be fighting over the attractive girl with the nice cans.

Substitute Teacher Suffers Multiple Strokes

Michael Luecke

Meet Michael Luecke. Michael knows the difference between a good touch and a bad touch.

A 72-year-old substitute teacher at Westhill High School was put on suicide watch after he was allegedly caught masturbating in a school hallway while looking at school children Wednesday morning shortly after the school day began.

According to police, at about 7:33 a.m. Michael Luecke was spotted lying on the floor by a teacher’s assistant who thought he was injured. When she got closer, she realized the man had his hand in his pants and he was fully aroused.

The assistant then yelled at Luecke and notified school officials. Luecke ran off at that point.

Amazingly, Leucke had no problem pushing open the exit doors without using his hands.

Honey Dew Boo

Homer Simpson Donuts In HellThe People’s Republic of Massachusetts, arguably the most egregious offender of liberty known to man, approved a new Honey Dew Donuts store. The approval came with a caveat, however; the doughnut store cannot sell… doughnuts.

A doughnut shop chain won’t be selling doughnuts at a new Massachusetts location. Quincy’s licensing board this week approved a plan for Honey Dew Donuts to open a shop inside the city’s new $30 million YMCA.

A spokeswoman for the Y tells The Patriot Ledger that because of the organization’s emphasis on physical fitness, no doughnuts will be sold. All menu items must be approved by the Y.

The irony here is they might as well sell the doughnuts, because Massachusetts-area YMCA’s do not allow sports programs, swimming pools or exercise equipment.