Category Archives: Snarkasm

The Most Obvious Study Of All Time

Rottenecards_39655820_y8ns5t5rqsA group of Canadian rocket surgeons wasted a lot of time – and even more money – telling guys what we already knew. Specifically, a man could have just lost an arm and still be ready to “put the tool in the shed.”

A study found that even when they are in excruciating pain, males are interested in sex. Females, however, prefer to take to their sickbed.

In one of the first studies of its kind, the Canadian researchers looked at how pain affected mice’s desire for sex. They first checked which males and females were interested in each other and then put them on opposite sides of a partitioned cage.

The dividing wall contained holes too small for the males to squeeze through but just big enough for the females to make their way to the male area – and escape back to their own lair when necessary. The results were ‘very striking’, with the females spending less time on the male side when in pain.

When I was in high school, I broke my wrist playing roller hockey. The day I had the cast set, I was making out with my girlfriend, my arm around her. It felt like a sledgehammer hit me every time she moved. I. Did. Not. Care. Neither would any other guy.

But by all means, let’s spend millions of loonies testing that hypothesis with mice instead of, oh, I don’t know, asking any random guy!

Pennsylvania Woman Has Egg On Her Face

The Eggscellent ChallengeThere’s an old adage which states “To make an omelet, you have to break a few eggs.” A Pittsburgh woman learned that the hard way this weekend.

The Pittsburgh Tribune-Review reported Sunday that 27-year-old Aaron Goempel was arrested on simple and aggravated assault charges.

Police responded to a fight call to find a woman with a red and swollen right eye. She told police Goempel threw [hard-boiled] eggs [at her] after she accused him of cheating on her.

Authorities say that after police made their way past a makeshift barricade into a bedroom, Goempel reached for a row of knives and swords before he was subdued. They say he yelled racist obscenities at one officer and kicked another in the groin.

So Goempel threw eggs at his girlfriend before kicking an officer in the huevos? Wow, he is a really bad egg. Although right about now, I’ll bet the girlfriend wishes she hadn’t put all her eggs in one basket.

Dork From York Should’ve Stuffed A Cork

Nina Davuluri

Like most boys, I was young and stupid in high school. I once wrote down answers to test questions and gave them to a friend (for a small fee), I got into a fistfight with the Dean’s son, and I asked Betty Ann Rowan out on a date. She had the courtesy to turn her head and laugh, instead of doing it right in my face. It’s good to see teenagers are still doing stupid things.

A Pennsylvania high school student is in hot water for asking Miss America to prom during a question and answer session at school. Eighteen-year-old Patrick Farves said he received three days of in-school suspension Thursday because he asked Nina Davuluri to prom.

The senior at Central York High School stood up and popped the prom question, then walked to the stage with a plastic flower. Davuluri just laughed and the students cheered.

School officials heard about Farves’ plan in advance and warned him not to do it. He has apologized for disrupting the event.

Farves never should have been suspended for asking Davuluri to the prom. He should have been suspended for posing the question to such a homely-looking Miss America.

*drops mic, walks of stage*

That’s (NOT) Racist

Jackie_Robinson_No5_comic_book_cover

As Wyatt so politely mentioned, I have been busy as of late. I have been walking a dog, falling in love, plotting world domination, the usual! My posting, which was once a day at some point, has fallen worse than the GNP to maybe once every month. However, something comes along every so often I cannot ignore. Surprisingly, it’s not a ScarJo or Alice Eve nip slip. But if that does happen…

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Menstruation For Dummies

CrampsGuys, many women are fond of saying blood flow from the brain makes us stupid.

Correct as that may be, that door apparently swings both ways.

Period pain is a common problem for many women and is known to cause discomfort and, sometimes, nausea. But new research suggests it could also make sufferers less intelligent.

British researchers discovered that the pain reduces cognitive performance. The researchers asked 52 adults with period pain to complete tests that examined their attention.

The tests measured their ability to choose between competing tasks, their attention spans and their ability to switch their attention between two tasks. The researchers found period pain reduced overall performance.

See ladies, we might be obnoxious, sarcastic, insensitive brutes, but you’re all stupid. So stop giving us crap when your Aunt Flo is in town! We’ll remember to take out the trash next week.

The Most Surprising Study Evah

Peter And Lois Griffin

A recent study found half of all high school/college men claim they endured “unwanted sex” from an aggressive female. Everything you ever wanted to know about Millennials can be found right here.

According to a study published in the American Psychological Association journal, Psychology of Men and Masculinity, a survey of 284 young men found that a whopping 18 percent reported forceful sexual coercion, 31 percent claimed to have been verbally coerced, and 26 percent said they were seduced by “sexual behaviors.”

Half of the men that experienced the coercion reported that they ended up having sex against their will.

You know how many times I had sex against my will? NONE, BECAUSE I’M A GUY! Even if a woman forced herself upon me – and believe me, it happens all the time – I would never resist… again, because I’m a guy.

Is this an indication of female empowerment gone too far? Are we now just taking it from these guys even when they don’t want it? And how are we even getting it? For the most part, guys are bigger and stronger than us … in theory it shouldn’t be that difficult to gently push a forward female off his person, should a guy not want it.

I’m guessing that the majority of women that seduce unsuspecting males do so more psychologically than physically. All it might take is a well-placed comment about him not being masculine enough to do the deed to fire up that male competitiveness.

I can’t speak for every guy, but a well-placed comment like “Hi!” would be enough for me to take a trip to the boneyard.

Bacon Arsonist Almost Burns House To Bits

Cameo Crispi The Bacon ArsonistMeet Cameo Crispi. Crispi is accused of setting fire to her ex-boyfriend’s house… by burning bacon. The offense of intentionally burning bacon should come with a mandatory death penalty.

A woman named Cameo Crispi tried to set her ex-boyfriend’s home on fire by burning a pound of bacon, police have said. The 31-year-old mother from Uintah County, Utah was arrested on March 14 and has been charged with arson.

Her arrest came after her ex-boyfriend called Naples police to say that he had received numerous phone calls and texts from Crispi in just an hour and wanted her to stop. Speaking with officers, he also said that he did not want her at his house.

When an officer went to the home, he found Crispi there and noted she was drunk. A test found that she had a blood-alcohol content of 0.346…

Holy crap, how does someone even survive a BAC of 0.346? And I know what you’re thinking, “Yeah Wyatt, you’d hit it so hard if we pulled you out you would be the King of England.” You would be wrong. I rather shtupp with women with hairy legs than bacon abusers.

Man Of Steel

Wyatt In Bed

A recent survey by a deodorant company – don’t ask – showed a man’s ideal day would involve almost four and half hours of sexa day. Apparently they only surveyed unemployed 20-year old slackers who live in their parents’ brothel.

Thanks to a survey conducted by Unilever Deodorants, we now know that men are — surprise!– terribly unrealistic when it comes to time management. [T]he research revealed that men want to spend a lot more time having sex. Like, a lot. Hide your vagina. Although most guys “finish” in a timely manner, the men surveyed said that their “ideal day” would include, on average, 4 hours and 19 minutes of sex!

And after the epic sex/to-do list session, then what would a guys do with the rest of their day? Participants said they would allot 3 hours and 36 to their job, 3 hours and 22 minutes to hanging out with friends and family, 3 hours and 22 minutes to sleeping, 2 hours and 38 minutes to eating and 29 minutes “grooming.”

Okay, let me crunch the numbers here. Four hours and twenty minutes of sex… average time I last… carry the one… mmm-hmm… That would mean I would have to have sex 130 times a day. I better run out and get some Gold Bond Medicated Cream for afterward.

Oh, and just so we’re clear, I wrecked the bell curve with the grooming times. My back ain’t gonna shave itself, ya know!

The Taming Of The Screw

Damn... Sluts

Americans are infamous for their pet causes. Some people fight for civil liberties, some fight against cancer, and others fight for the right to be a hoor.

Two New York-based twenty-something’s have started a podcast where they interview men they have slept with in an effort to shut down the practice of slut-shaming.

Since launching, friends and stand-up comedy duo Corinne Fisher and Krystyna Hutchinson have gathered more than 200,000 SoundCloud subscribers to their program Guys We F*****, The Anti Slut-Shaming Podcast. On the show, they interview men they have slept with in order to tell other women “have a lot of sex and be proud of it,” Miss Hutchinson [said].

To quote Krusty the Clown, “I heartily endorse this event or product!” Ladies, you should be having sex all day, every day; preferably with a dim-witted Philadelphia-area blogger. That said, I have some thoughts on this subject.

First of all, the notion of “slut-shaming” is ridiculous. Everyone knows a true slut or three, so I ask you; are they capable of being shamed? Worse still, the definition of “slut” varies from person to person. The women of my generation probably seemed like sluts to my parents’ generation, and like prudes to the Millennials. People like me think a slut is someone who boinks a guy after knowing him for 3.5 seconds. And even then, it’s a judgment call, because one woman’s slut is another man’s soon-to-be-ex-wife. Hey-o!

Second, click the link and take a look at these chicks. Does anyone believe these potato faces are having a lot of sex? Even I wouldn’t bang these hags… okay, I would, but I wouldn’t like it! Your first red flag is their occupation: stand-up comediennes. In life, there are two truisms about women: 1. No matter how hot she is, some guy is tired of banging her, and 2. female comedians are never, ever funny. The only exception to the second truism is Lisa Lampanelli, and she acts like a guy, so she doesn’t count.

Look, if Fisher and Hutchinson believe they’re doing the Lord’s work, more power to them, but if I want to hear about sexual conquests, I’ll listen to the audiobook of my sex life: As I Lay Crying.

Sri Lanka’s Job Market Is In Full Swing

The HangmanIn this economy, people are taking even the most menial job. Not so in Sri Lanka, where they can’t pay someone to hang their thugs.

Sri Lanka is searching for a new hangman after the latest recruit got upset on seeing the gallows for the first time and quit.

The Prisons Department appointed the new hangman, the third most qualified from 176 applicants, last week, months after two hangmen chosen late last year failed to show up for work.

“We gave him one week’s training, but he resigned after seeing the gallows, saying that he didn’t want the job,” said Chandrarathna Pallegama, commissioner general of prisons.

Believe it or not, I could do this. I’m also highly qualified for the position. I hate people, I am good at tying knots, and the job is rife with opportunities for sarcastic comments. “Hey buddy, I haven’t seen you hanging around here for a while…”

They should hire some Americans to do the jobs Sri Lankans won’t do. Call me!