Category Archives: Snarkasm

Winky And The Brain

Meg Ryan Orgasm When Harry Met SallyI cannot speak for the rest of my male readers, but the female body is as foreign to me as sign language. In my 45 years, I don’t believe I have ever given a woman an orgasm. Ever. Not once.

I don’t blame the women because, well, look at me. I am not exactly what women would call “bangable.” That said, according to a new study, my subpar performance and ghastly appearance may only be part of the problem.

Women who struggled to orgasm had less erotic thoughts and were focusing less on their body’s sensations during intercourse than those who regularly orgasmed. This was despite both groups of women having the same level of erotic thoughts when self-stimulating without their partner.

The level to which this ability to focus the mind affected sexual performance was much higher than expected said study author Pascal De Sutter.

There also seems to be a sort of sexual learning curve when it comes to the ability to reach orgasm, with older women reporting far less difficulty than their younger counterparts.

That must be why my older female readers are always horny… The title of the article is “Forget foreplay, the MIND is the key to female orgasms and women should try to have more erotic thoughts, says research.” To be honest, all I read was “Forget foreplay.” Way ahead of ya, brah!

Hmm, maybe that’s why it’s always been easier for a woman to pull a locomotive with her teeth than it is for her to finish with me?

Glum’s The Word

bitchy_resting_face_tIn the past – okay, in the present – I have been accused of looking miserable ALL THE TIME. I get a grumpy or blank look on my face. I credit this expression to my profession. Teachers are not supposed to smile during the first month of school. It’s an unwritten rule.

When I had kids I was tired all the time. Smiling and looking happy takes energy. Who wants to smile when they have no energy? Not this lady.

My ever-so-pleasant husband tried to come up with a name for this glum expression I wore everyday. I was briefly called “Miss Miserable” and just plain old “Grumpy.” I was called grumpy so often by him that I bought myself a Grumpy t-shirt from the Disney store. I wore it to bed, so he would know not to even try asking for any affection.

A few months later he had a new name for my expression – Bitchy Resting Face. I do not know where he heard it or read it, but it stuck. He told our neighbors and family members. The name was used a few times, until I developed my “If looks could kill you would be dead face.” Then people stopped using the phrase BRF around me.

I want you to know that I am a happy person. I have pleasant and even happy expressions in my repertoire. My smiles are reserved for my children, my students and people who make me feel really, really happy. I do not give smiles away for free. You need to earn them.

You should read the article in the link. It’s pretty true. I should know. My name is Mollie and I suffer from Bitchy Resting Face.

Michigan Woman Has A Lot Of Spunk

Sadie BellMeet Sadie Bell of Southfield, Michigan. Like many red-blooded American women, Sadie really likes rolling the newspaper, so to speak. Of course, if you don’t perform to her expectations, She’ll slap you on the nose with it.

Sadie Bell, 58, a woman from Southfield, Michigan, was convicted in April of shooting her partner Edward Lee, 60, in the stomach with a Smith & Wesson semi-automatic handgun. She was convicted of assault with intent to do great bodily harm less than murder, plus a felony firearms charge.

Bell told police that she was angry at Lee for failing to produce enough ejaculate after coitus, leading her to believe that he was sleeping with another woman.

You may find this difficult to believe, but I have a few questions. First, what constitutes enough ejaculate? I mean, does it have to be bigger than a breadbox, or just enough for her to prove Mr. Lee was there?

Second, how would she know how much ejaculate Mr. Lee produced? Does she keep measuring cups on her nightstand? Is there a “fill line” which must be reached before she breaks out the revolver?

And finally, look at this woman. Is she really in a position complain about how many oil drums she’s getting delivered to her dockyard? I think not.

Just A Bit Outside!

Ping Pong Balls

A pilot at Idaho’s Blackfoot Pride Days dropped his balls onto the worst possible spot.

A pilot who dropped 3,000 ping pong balls that were redeemable for prizes missed a crowd assembled for the stunt and instead hit a nearby interstate.

Organizers immediately called off the contest. Aaron Moon and helpers on Saturday told revelers at Blackfoot Pride Days not to risk retrieving the ping pong balls amid high-speed traffic because organizes still planned to pass out the prizes.

So some idiot pilot misses the LZ and Moon Unit over here wants to cheat the crowd out of seeing people chase ping pong balls through traffic? You’re missing a golden opportunity here, Chief Halfwit!

Once You Go Old…

Johnny Knoxville Old Man

According to a new survey, men become invisible to younger women at age 39. Swell.

Men start becoming ‘invisible’ sexually to younger women at 39 – the same age as David Beckham, according to new research.

They begin turning into ‘The Invisible Man’ from the end of their 30s onwards – and are viewed more as father figures than sex symbols. The most obvious sign of the change is when a man is no longer eyed up by women when he goes out.

Great, so basically I have been invisible to women since high school.

Six out of ten women (62 per cent) assume that most men in their late 30s are attached by that age and are not worth approaching. The second most popular sign was greying hair – picked by 37 per cent of those surveyed.

Okay, while I am attached and while I am graying, I am still a desirable, full bodied man, but nobody will have sex with me… and I have so much love to give!

NJ Man Claims Paint Color Names Are Racist

Racist Paint NamesI guess the phrase “Black is beautiful” was just bumper sticker fodder.

A black New Jersey man is suing his former employer Benjamin Moore for discrimination after he says the paint company named two brown paint tones after him. Clinton Tucker’s suit claims he was given the boot in March after he repeatedly complained about the colors Tucker Chocolate and Clinton Brown. Tucker alleges one of the colors was a part of the company’s Williamsburg Collection, a project he helped market.

The color remained on the Benjamin Moore website as of Sunday, where its description suggests the name has its origin in Colonial Williamsburg.

“Capturing the 1798 color requested by St. George Tucker for his home facing Courthouse Green, this deep brown is classic and understated,” reads the site.

The ego on this guy, thinking a multi-million dollar corporation named a pain color after him. Even if Benjamin Moore chose the name for him – highly doubtful – you’d think he would be proud of it, bragging to his friends and bedding women because of it.

If Benjamin Moore would like to label a pasty white paint “Jackass Blogger,” they have my full and complete permission.

Firemen Snatch American Student From Sculpture

Man Trapped Inside Vagina Sculpture

An American student landed in a sticky situation when he wedged himself into a vagina sculpture.

An American exchange student had to be rescued after he got stuck inside a giant vagina sculpture. The unidentified student got trapped at the Tübingen University’s institute for microbiology and virology in southern Germany. 22 firefighters had to pry him loose.

The sculpture, called “Pi-Chacan,” was crafted by Fernando de la Jara and has been on display since 2001. Its name “is said to mean ‘love making’ in Peruvian-Indian.”

“I was there!!! He just wanted to take a funny picture,“ witness Erick Guzman posted to Imagur. “The fire department was not really amused, and he was really embarrassed.”

It took a five-gallon drum of Astroglide to free the student, who smoked a cigarette immediately afterward.

Boning Up On A Guy’s Pleasure Centers

checkingI saw this on Facebook and had to share. Lord knows I need some advice on spicing up my sex life. Especially now that summer vacation is here. I’ve got a lot of time on my hands.

Have you been wishing lately that your man had more mojo than no-no? More raging bull than bull that just sort of walks around really calm? You are not alone. If you and your boo have lost that sexy love monster that made you go bump in the night, then maybe you need to ramp up your foreplay from fore to eight.

What better way to reach his softer side than to awaken his most secret soft spots, those little-known erogenous zones you can’t even find in a biology book? Here is a list of your man’s all-time favorite secret pleasure spots guaranteed to drive him Mary-Todd-level crazy.

You must click on the link to find out the 15 Secret Pleasure Spots. I never would have thought of half of these! :)

 

Anyone Up For Some Blood Sausage?

Sausage KetchupA Georgia man succeeded where his urologist failed this week, when he shot himself… with a .45-caliber pistol… in the penis.

A Macon man was treated at Coliseum Northside hospital Thursday after he accidentally shot himself in the penis.

The man was parked at the gas station at about 9:30 p.m. when he attempted to holster his .45. Immediately after the gun went off, he drove to a friend’s house in Lake Wildwood. When he got to the friends house, he took off his pants and saw that he had “shot himself in the penis and that the bullet exited out of his buttocks.”

The man’s friend drove him to Coliseum Northside hospital and he was then transferred to the Medical Center of Central Georgia. (H/T – Rick)

Okay, at the present time, my penis and I are not on speaking terms; but even so, I’m pretty sure I would notice if I shot myself there… with a hand cannon! I’m no detective – heh – but methinks Dude had an artificial stimulant in his bloodstream at the time of the enholening.

The Greatest Justice System On Girth

Ruler

A Ukrainian boy was grilled by police because his hot long was found to be a foot-long.

In Russia’s criminal justice system, size matters. And unfortunately, that means exactly what you think it means. A poor lad named Tomas discovered this after he moved from Ukraine to Moscow to live with his aunt and was soon accused of stealing a cell phone, reports UPI.

The kid claims to be 13, but a skeptical court ordered a physical exam that included a look at his private parts. Doctors then estimated his age to be 16 or 17. The distinction matters, because the courts can now treat him as an adult. A judge promptly threw Tomas in jail.

Man, I should move to Moscow and start a one-man crime wave. There is no way I’ll ever be tried as an adult!