Category Archives: WTF?

Stuck In The Middle With You

Decades Old Sex ToyThere’s an old insult women throw around with their friends after a bad lovemaking session. It’s something along the lines of, “So I said to him, ‘Is it in yet?’”

I’m positive that quip originated in Scotland.

A 38-year-old woman in Scotland who told doctors she was suffering from shaking, incontinence and severe weight loss turned out to have a sex toy stuck inside her vagina that had been there for 10 years.

The woman told doctors she used the five-inch toy in a drunken sexual encounter a decade ago and didn’t remember whether she took it out or not.

By the time surgeons found it, the toy’s effects were potentially life-threatening. It had caused a bladder blockage that was forcing urine to back up into her kidneys, and had also created a vesicovaginal fistula, which is a tract that causes urine to flow into the vagina.

Okay ladies, I have a few questions. First, is it even possible to have something stuck in your hoo hoo nanny – for ten years – without you knowing it? If so, how could you possibly know if a guy’s winkie is inside you?

Second, if you got sloppy drunk, boinked some guy who used a toy, and forgot whether he removed it, wouldn’t you double check the second you sobered up?

It kinda makes me wonder what else is up there. A cell phone, car keys, a Louisiana license plate?

New Jersey And Sue: Prefect Together

Jersey Boardwalk Pizza And Garden State ParkwayNew Jersey’s Garden State Parkway is suing a pizzeria for utilizing a similar logo to their own. The pizzeria is located in Florida – 1,300 miles away.

While its meatball pizzas and hoagies might mimic the pleasures of the Jersey Shore, it’s the logo of a Florida Keys pizzeria that the New Jersey Turnpike Authority says goes too far in evoking the Garden State.

The agency this week sued Jersey Boardwalk Pizza in New Jersey federal court, saying its logo “directly copied and appropriated” that of the Garden State Parkway. The restaurant’s merchandise and fact that pizzas are sold in the turnpike’s service areas could confuse consumers, it said.

“There’s no way someone is going to mistake my logo for that of the parkway – we’re 1,300 miles away,” said Paul DiMatteo, co-owner of the Tavernier, Florida, restaurant, which also has a franchise in Florida City.

The Parkway, whose tolls rise more often than the sun, is suing for the pizzeria’s profits and unspecified damages… as if anything can damage the Parkway more than a ridiculous frivolous lawsuit.

Iowa City Just Rolls With It

Toilet PaperThe city of Eldridge, Iowa is embarking on an interesting initiative. They are urging people to wipe the town of outside toilet toilet paper brands.

An Iowa community’s campaign urging residents to buy toilet paper locally was bound to be the butt of jokes.

But to the Eldridge-North Scott area, it’s serious business. The “Shop, Stay and Wipe Local” drive could boost the area economy by $677,000, according to one estimate.

In Philadelphia, we have a similar program. It’s entitled, “Wipe yourself. For the love of Pete, please wipe yourself!”

Get Your Beer Here! Seriously, Here?

beer holsterWho in the world needs this thing?! Seriously, how could anyone see the need for a beer holster?

Beer Belt Beer Holster

  • Holds up to 6 cans

  • 54” belt fits up to a size 50 waist

  • Adjustable straps

  • 100% cotton

  • Great gift

  • Perfect for tailgating

-Beer-Belt-Hops-Blue-6-Pack-Beer-HolsterDon’t get me wrong; I occasionally enjoy a cold adult beverage on a hot summer day. When worn around your waist does it stay cold? I would think not.

Now I am sure the “genius” inventor of this apparatus thought the beer holster would be a life-changing addition to people’s weekend wardrobes, but did he think about keeping the beer cold? I doubt it! That would be worth the money – a beer holster that keeps the beer and your body cool on a hot summer day.

Hey, I think I might be on to something. I can figure this out. I am a problem-solving kind of girl.

Don’t worry Wyatt, I’ll share the wealth. After I rake in my first million dollars.

The Spice of Life!

l_mugs16x9

Last weekend this classy couple was caught having sex on the roof of a Chipotle restaurant. Neither one of them is real pretty to look at. I guess that is why they are with each other.

A Delaware fast food restaurant featured a special attraction Saturday night as two people could easily be seen from the street having sex on the roof.

Michael Suh, 38, and Nicole Germack, 27, were arrested by Newark police after the two were viewed by many onlookers “engaging in sexual intercourse” on the roof of a Main Street Chipotle Mexican Grill.

To quote Jimmy Fallon, “This was the first time people heard someone scream, ‘Oh, God!’ and it was not coming from the bathroom.”

Will Someone Please Fire This Cracker?

Human FirecrackerJohn Fletcher, 51, of Michigan, is a budding Darwin Award winner who straps hundreds of fireworks to his body before setting them off. He does this for fun.

John Fletcher’s act includes setting off 10,500 firecrackers attached to his body Saturday. He performed last weekend before 300 people and four firefighters at a motorcycle rally in the western Michigan town of Coopersville.

Fletcher said that over 16 years, he has set off 600,000 firecrackers attached to his body. His ribs have been fractured 17 times and once Fletcher says he was knocked unconscious.

The gravel pit scale operator from Pinckney doesn’t get paid for his performances and asks audiences to donate to charities.

It costs $140 and takes two weeks to put together his firecracker suit, which are strands of firecrackers are glued to four leather sheets Fletcher hangs over his abdomen, back and arms. He wears safety glasses and a compressed leather vest. (H/T – 911)

So this jerkass straps munitions to his body… for free. Pfft, I’d have more respect for him is he was doing it to land a bunch of virgins.

Snakes Bite

shirtless guy with snakeI hate snakes. They scare the life out of me. I do not like seeing them on TV. I do not like seeing them at the zoo, even though they are behind glass. I do not like seeing them in my garden. Snakes are stupid.

With that being said, I saw a pretty cool video from the BBC. It shows how fast a snake can strike with its fangs. The video was interesting and did not make me scream like a little girl… but I still think snakes are stupid.

BTW – When I Googled “man holding a snake” some err, unusual pictures popped up. You might not want to do that.

Yoga Girl Really Feels The Burn

Michele Cernak Naked YogaMeet Michele Cernak. As you can see by her photo, Michele is a health nut, who really takes care of her body. You would never guess she is 51 years old. The secret to her youthful appearance? Yoga.

Witnesses called police after they noticed Michele Cernak, 51, doing yoga around 3:40 p.m. just a few blocks from a middle school. In between stretches, she removed various bits of clothing, and had her pant legs around her ankles by the time officers arrived.

While Cernak was doing her stretches in the middle of the road, her gold Chevy GMC pickup truck was on the side of the road still running. Officers searched the vehicle and found heroin, a syringe, and a crack pipe. She was also found with three different types of prescription pills.

Oh pshaw! That wasn’t crack and heroin; it was Michele’s “vitamin supplements.” Besides, does anyone actually practice yoga without a little help from Dr. Feelgood? I think not!

It’s A Small World

Smallpox CellsIn a high-larious case of irony, six vials of the smallpox virus have been found, mere weeks after the Washington Redskins racist name controversy arose.

A government scientist cleaning out an old storage room at a research center near Washington made a startling discovery last week — decades-old vials of smallpox packed away and forgotten in a cardboard box.

The six glass vials were intact and sealed, and scientists have yet to establish whether the virus is dead or alive, the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention said Tuesday.

Officials said labeling indicated the smallpox had been put in the vials in the 1950s. But they said it’s not clear how long the vials had been in the building, which did not open until the 1960s.

Well, doesn’t that just warm the cockles? Not that it matters, since the illegals rushing through Texas are probably bringing smallpox with them.

I Did NOT Need To Know That!!!

SpiderI was bored out of my mind on July 4th. It was raining at the beach and there was nothing to do. (I know, I sound like a kid.) So, I decided to go on Facebook to see if my friends were having more fun than I was. Alas, they were not. I could tell because they “liked” all kinds of stupid things from Buzzfeed and other sites.

The most disturbing one, “22 Disturbing Facts You Might Regret Knowing,” reinforced my reason for washing my hands after touching money, my fear of spiders, my dislike of crowded transportation centers and my dislike of raisins. Also, I think I will skip the jellybeans next Easter.

One last comment: Guys wash your hands!