Editor’s Note: I apologize in advance for this post. It’s more racy than I’d like, but when you read the post, you’ll see why I had to write it up.
A San Francisco tech firm has created an oral sex app for your smartphone. The app is supposed to teach people how to improve their technique. Luckily, I don’t have that problem.
When it comes to oral sex, maybe it’s time to start phoning it in. Lick This, a new App by San Francisco-based team “Club Sexy Time,” promises to let users hone their cunnilingus skills by licking their smartphones.
The app requires no download; you just go to lickthisapp.com on your mobile browser and start tonguing away at your phone screen. The site suggests that you “wrap it up” by putting some plastic wrap over the screen.
At this time, there are three exercises available for budding cunning linguists: “Up n’ Down,” which challenges users to flick a light switch up and down as quickly as possible. “Circles,” which has users move the handle of a mechanical pencil sharpener around as quickly as possible. “Freestyle,” which asks users to use their tongue as an implement to jab at a beach ball bouncing seemingly at random around the screen.
Dude. Where exactly would someone use this app? It’s not like you can fire it up in the office or while riding on the subway – unless you’re in New York City, where that behavior is encouraged. I guess the company deserves credit for recognizing a nationwide problem and addressing it, but ladies, I ask you; do you want your guy licking his iPhone?
It’s official: Craig Jaret Hutchinson is the dumbest man on the face of the Earth.
Craig Jaret Hutchinson’s girlfriend, whose name the court has protected, said she had agreed to sex as long as it was with a condom so that she would not get pregnant.
The court held 7-0 that while she may have consented to sex, she had not consented to unprotected sex, and that by poking holes in the condoms first, he had committed sexual assault. Hutchinson, who had been out on bail, will now have to serve an 18-month prison sentence.
Dude. No one, and I mean no one, purposely pokes holes in their own condoms. Poking leads to hate, hate leads to kids, and kids lead to suffering. What was this dope thinking?
The statement of facts presented by the prosecution said that Hutchinson had wanted to get his girlfriend pregnant at the time in order to keep their deteriorating relationship going.
Yes, because relationships founded upon entrapment always stand the test of time.
In a perfect world, some countries would be wiped off the map, simply for general principle. For my money, Somalia would be first on the list.
UNICEF is weaving a delicate campaign to educate communities in Somaliland about the harms of female genital mutilation and to get leaders, who are meeting there this month to debate the practice, to denounce it. Child rights advocates in nearly 30 countries are fighting to reduce the number of girls subjected to the cutting of their genitalia, a practice that goes back thousands of years and that Somali practitioners often link to Islamic requirements.
Female genital mutilation comes in many different forms. The other form known by the Somali teens is sewing the vagina shut until marriage. In Somalia, the cultural expectation for girls to undergo genital mutilation comes down to sex and marriage. Men expect to marry a virgin. If a girl has not undergone female genital mutilation, she is considered unclean.
“You are stitched and not opened up until the day of your marriage,” [UNICEF officer Charity Kinya] Koronya continued. “They say someone who is open, anyone can go in.”
But enough about Kim Kardashian… Maybe I am simply another ignorant American, but a culture that not only allows, but promotes, genital mutilation is one the world could do without. These women are not your f**king property; they’re human beings, and sewing them up to placate a prospective husband is barbaric and intolerable. Your god
would should be ashamed.
Meet Michael Williams of Sumter, South Carolina. Michael did something so mind-blowingly stupid, it merits another cannonade on his hometown.
When Michael Williams finished his Valentine’s Day lunch at the Applebee’s in Sumter, S.C., he attempted to pay by credit card. When the card was declined, he tried another method of payment: He whipped a $1 trillion bill from his wallet.
Williams wasn’t arrested for trying to pay for lunch with a fake trillion-dollar bill, but an unrelated charge of contempt of magistrate’s court. He was later charged with petty larceny and sentenced to time already served, according to public records. He was also ordered to pay $262 in court fees.
Williams then doubled-down on his stupid and paid the court fees with Galactic credits.
Cops: Couple Tried To Stiff Taxi Driver After Sex Session In Rear Of Illinois Cab.
Yeah, that title would be hard to beat.
An Illinois cab driver recently called police to complain that a couple who had just finished having sex in the rear of his cab were refusing to pay the $83 fare. Hack Faisal Kokazeh, 28, told Orland Park Police Department officers that passengers Andrew Vukovich and Stefanie Herringer claimed they were unable to pay him at the conclusion of a recent 3:30 AM ride.
Kokazeh noted that he “witnessed both Andrew and Stefanie perform intercourse in the back of the van,” and “simply wanted both of them out of the taxi, and the fare paid.”
Vukovich and Herringer, an officer reported, smelled of booze and “were producing incoherent sentences, attempting to gather clothing that was strewn throughout the taxi.” And neither of them “had a purse or wallet on their person.”
Well, if they were naked, where would they put it? I wonder if the trip cost $83, or if Kokazeh threw in an extra fee for the post-coitus steam cleaning?
Robert McKevitt is a man who loves his candy. Really loves his candy.
Robert McKevitt, 27, of Spirit Lake, Iowa, was working at Polaris Industries’ warehouse in Milford when the incident occurred last fall.
McKevitt wanted some candy, so he deposited $1 in a vending machine for a 90-cent Twix candy bar, but the candy bar got snagged on a hook and wouldn’t fall. He banged it and rocked it, but that didn’t work.
McKevitt then commandeered a forklift, picked up the machine at least six times and dropped it about 2 feet onto the concrete floor. Three candy bars fell.
The real crime here is not the forklift use; it’s the fact they are charging 90 cents for a freakin’ candy bar!
The National Football League will penalize players who use racial, ethnic, or homophobic slurs during games this season.
The head of the Fritz Pollard Alliance, which monitors diversity in the NFL, expects the league to institute a rule where players would be penalized 15 yards for using the N-word on the field.
“We did talk about it, I’m sure that you saw near the end of the year that Fritz Pollard (Alliance) came out very strong with the message that the league needs to do something about the language on the field,” said Ravens general manager Ozzie Newsome, who is on the league’s competition committee. “So we did discuss over the last three days.”
Wait, the GM of the Baltimore F**king Ravens is crusading against language on the field? Bawahahahahaha!
Newsome also said the committee talked about other slurs coming under any possible new rule, including homophobic slurs.
Wooten, who previously has urged all players to stop using the N-word, thinks the NFL will rule an automatic 15-yard penalty for first-time offenders and an ejection for second infractions.
Ironically, the African-American players are the ones who use the N-word most often. Will they get flagged for it, or, as in real life, will the penalty only apply when a white player uses the slur?
Either way, I think this is the most ridiculous, least enforceable rule of all time.
Meet Kayla Finley. Kayla recently spent a day in jail for not returning a VHS tape she rented in 2005. I guess the Palmetto State likes to reenact old Seinfeld episodes at the expense of cute girls.
Kayla Michelle Finley went to the Pickens County (SC) Jail in the northwestern tip of the state Thursday to report an unspecified crime – but instead got charged with one, herself.
The news station cites Finley’s arrest warrant in writing the 27-year-old woman had rented “Monster-in-Law” – a rom-com pairing Lopez with Jane Fonda that garnered a single star on Rotten Tomatoes – in 2005. She’d reportedly rented the movie from the now-defunct Dalton Video, and never returned the cassette.
WHNS reports the store’s former owner, P.J. Dalton, had taken the matter to court nine years ago and gotten a judge to issue a warrant. (H/T – Smite)
Okay, a few thoughts. First, how frakkin’ slow is the Pickens County Police Department that they can issue warrants for unreturned VHS tapes? Second, Finley should have never been arrested for this nonsense. She SHOULD have been arrested for renting Monster-in-Law.
Maybe it’s me, but after the Christina Hendricks posts and the Olympic Babes O’ The Day, I think my blog is being typecast. Take this e-mail I received this weekend:
I visited your web page, and I would like to exchange links with you from my web site: http://discountstripper.com/.
We’d appreciate it if you place a link back using the following HTML code…
As a trained investigator, I simply had to check out the link. It’s an online store which specializes in the sale of stripper clothes and accessories!
If you listen closely, you can hear the last bastion of this blog’s credibility circling the drain.
Cartoon Network’s Adventure Time is probably the most popular show in the Earp household. So when we heard McDonald’s was placing AT figures on Happy Meals, cheers abounded. Then this happened…
Recently, it was brought to my attention that [McDonald's was] releasing Adventure Time toys. Except…what the babies? half the characters are missing. Where’s Peebles? LSP? Marcy? Lady Rainicorn? WHERE IS TREE TRUNKS, MCDONALD’S!?
The fast food behemoth failed to include any female members of the show. You know, main, important characters which often have story arcs revolving around them. Stuff like that.
The female characters make up nearly half the cast, and most of them – like Princess Bubblegum – are core characters. To jettison them in favor of Sock Monkey toys is a disservice to McDonald’s girl customers. As Julia said when I showed her this story, “Why are they only giving them to boys? What about the girls?”