Category Archives: WTF?

What’s Your Johnson’s Name?

christ-bearer-andre-johnson-rapper-cuts-penis-off-jumps-balcony

Meet rapper Andre Johnson. Andre is attached to his name, but ironically not to his Johnson. Well, not anymore. If this story disturbs you, thank Mollie. She sent it to me, giggling.

Rapper Andre Johnson severed his penis and jumped from a Los Angeles apartment building early Wednesday. Johnson was seriously injured, but survived the fall from the second level of the building in North Hollywood, Los Angeles Police Sgt. William Mann said.

Johnson, along with his recovered penis, was taken to Cedars-Sinai Medical Center, where he was being treated, Mann said. Details about what triggered the incident were not available.

So, which is the worse job; recovering Johnson’s body, or recovering Johnson’s Johnson?

Living In A Box

Crane Machine Kid

A three-year old Nebraska boy was found inside a local bowling alley’s skill crane game.

Now that’s a real shame when folks be throwin’ away a perfectly good white boy like that.

A 3-year-old boy, who had been reported missing by his worried mother, was found trapped inside a claw machine this week at a Nebraska bowling alley. According to the Omaha World-Herald, police in Lincoln, Neb., received a call Monday from a woman who said her son had slipped out of their apartment through an unlocked door while she was in the bathroom.

Fortunately, mother and son were soon reunited after patrons at a nearby bowling alley spotted the toddler sitting inside a claw machine. Details as to how the boy got into the machine are scarce; however, children have previously managed to climb their way into claw machines through the prize chute.

It took the Lincoln Police 135 quarters to get the boy out. He would have been freed sooner, but the sergeant really wanted the giant foam cowboy hat.

Tennessee Couple Makes Sex Unbearable

Gummi Bear SexWhen it comes to sex, some people can really bring the kink. Others are best left to suffer through a visit to DisneyBland. Then there are people like Michael and Josi.

The incident began when Michael, 25, gave Josi a giant gummy bear. The gift inspired her to get kinky with the candy.

“You know what’d be hot? Let’s eat this gummy off me,” she remembers telling Michael. “Oh! Let’s melt it and eat it off me. Yeah, that’d be a super hot idea.”

Ever the supportive lover, Michael tied Josi, 24, to the headboard of the bed and went downstairs to melt the giant gummy bear in the microwave. Michael cut off the head of the giant gummy bear and nuked it in the microwave. Then he ran upstairs with the bowl of hot gummy goo, which he then drizzled on Josi’s chest.

At first, she thought the warm melted candy pleased her. But unlike candle wax, it didn’t start cooling the moment it touched her skin. Michael tried to help her by licking the liquid goo from her chest with equally bad results.

In fairness, there are always bad results when licking the liquid goo from a woman’s chest.

Scientists Grow A Tunnel Of Love

Implanted VaginaDoctors at Wake Forest Baptist Medical Center’s Institute for Regenerative Medicine in North Carolina have developed a lab-grown implantable vagina.

You hear that, guys? We don’t need women anymore!

Four young women born with abnormal or missing vaginas were implanted with lab-grown versions made from their own cells, the latest success in creating replacement organs that have so far included tracheas, bladders and urethras.

Follow-up tests show the new vaginas are indistinguishable from the women’s own tissue and have grown in size as the young women, who got the implants as teens, matured. All four of the women are now sexually active and report normal vaginal function.

No commentary I can offer would ever top Easily Lost’s snark: “Now all those pussies in Washington, can have one of their own.” Bravo, E.L. Bravo.

You Deserve A Breakdown Today

Naked Woman Rages In McDonald's

Okay, which one of my female commenters went on a fast food rampage?

Astonishing surveillance footage has emerged of a naked woman going on the rampage in a Florida McDonald’s. The diner, who’s wearing just a pair of panties, is seen tearing apart what’s reported to be a St. Petersburg location.

Slamming her head on the counter, she throws cash registers onto the floor before tipping over a gigantic refrigerator. Her grand finale comes as she sticks her head under the soft-serve dispenser to fill her face with ice cream. (H/T – 911)

In this woman’s defense, I do the exact same thing when they’re our of fries. Of course, if she was filling her face with ice cream, she’s not a mental case; she just has PMS!

Woman Invents A New Kind Of Elevator Music

Patricia Ann Jamison

I’ve always been a fan of William Shatner. Speaking of Shatner, Patricia Ann Jamison just Shatner elevator!

Patricia Ann Jamison, 49, was arrested earlier this month after deputies say she pooped in an elevator at the St. Lucie County Courthouse in Fort Pierce, Fla.

On the afternoon of March 7, security staff were notified of a pile of poop in the corner of the elevator.

Jamison, who has active pending cases with the county, was the last person to come out of the elevator after the reported fecal activity. Security footage allegedly showed Jamison walk into the elevator, and “appear to pull her pants down and back up toward the interior elevator buttons consistent with someone using the bathroom.”

The woman was not charged for the poopening, but the sheriffs did rub her nose in it.

She Was England’s Ass In The Hole

Ella BirchenoughRemember that post where I said British accents were sexy? Yeah, I take it back.

Meet Ella Birchenough, Britain’s most stupid, vapid bint. Ella was so distressed about losing her iPhone down a sewer, she jumped in to retrieve it.

16-year-old Ella Birchenough found herself stuck in a storm drain in Dover, England while trying to fetch her cell phone. She got herself so stuck that firefighters had to respond and lift her out.

Birchenough said she dropped her iPhone into the drain while talking to someone. She tried to pull herself out, “but it wasn’t happening,” she told Metro. Her mom, who was nearby at the time, panicked and called emergency responders, but Birchenough said they both found the humor in the situation.

I, however, do not see the humor in it. Look you f*cking prat, you dropped your cell phone down a sewer. This action proves the following:

1. You are too f**king fat to fit into a manhole.
2. You are too f**king stupid to own a cell phone.
3. You are too f**king cheap, because iPhones aren’t necessarily all that expensive.
4. You are too f**king selfish, since you wasted first responder time on your jackassery.
5. You are too f**king worthless to breathe productive people’s air. They should’ve left for the mother-loving rats.

Sorry. I’ve been told I have anger issues. I’m sure a woman with Ella’s qualifications would have no trouble finding a top flight job in the housekeeping or food service industry.

Baby Face Nelson Returns

Pakistani police have accused a baby of attempted murder. I’m totally serial!

While many children his age are still learning how to crawl, a nine-month-old boy in Pakistan has been accused of attempted murder in a case observers say highlights endemic flaws in the country’s legal system.

Baby Mohammad Musa along with his father and other family members was booked for throwing rocks at gas company officials in the working-class Ahata Thanedaran neighborhood on February 1, the family’s lawyer Chaudhry Irfan Sadiq told AFP Friday.

Inspector Kashif Muhammad, who attended the alleged crime scene and has since been suspended, wrote in his report that it was a case of attempted murder.

Seems legit. I hear they’re looking at the baby for the September 11th Benghazi attacks, as well.

The Italian (Sausage) Job

sausage-linksA Dallas man’s job resume was chock full of interesting skills; not the least of which was his proficiency in dictation.

Texas Workforce Solutions in Dallas received a job application by email Friday morning from a man who also attached a picture of a penis, Dallas Police spokeswoman Demarquis Black [said].

The agency purportedly offers “resources, tips and tools to build a stronger Texas workforce,” and connects job seekers with potential employers. In this case though, the employee who received the phallic photo just connected the applicant with the police.

Wait, this practice is frowned upon? That must explain why I couldn’t find a job for three years after graduating college.

In this guy’s defense, most employers want to see references, and the guy’s penis probably has some very good things to say about him.

Killer Clowns Are Outta Place

Creepy Staten Island Clown

Just when you thought the cast of Jersey Shore was the creepiest people on Staten Island, a new contender emerges. A man dressed in a clown costume has been walking the streets… at night.

A mysterious clown has been roaming the streets of Staten Island and freaking out local residents. Staten Islanders have been posting pictures and videos on social media of a person dressed up like a clown wearing a yellow outfit, red shoes and a mask while holding balloons and waving to the cameras, the Staten Island Advance reported.

The clown has been spotted at night near the Richmond Valley and Grasmere train stations and in front of a Chinese restaurant during the day on Richmond Avenue, according to the Advance and online posts.

Staten Island isn’t the first place to have a mysterious clown roaming the streets. Last year, a clown dressed like Pennywise from the Stephen King book and film “It” was spotted in the small British town of Northampton.

Dude, don’t even joke about Pennywise; I still have nightmares about that thing!

You see? This is what happens when clown college scholarships dry up. Where’s the NAACP – the National Association for the Advancement of Clown People – when you need them?