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Archive for December, 2008

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Detective Finds Stolen Gun In Bathroom

Tuesday, December 30th, 2008

Because doesn’t everyone hide their stolen booty in the terlet? JENSEN BEACH, Fla – Authorities said a stolen gun was recovered when a detective tried to use the suspect’s bathroom and couldn’t get the toilet to work. A detective investigating the theft of a handgun, jewelry and cash from a Jensen Beach home was told [...]

Bristol Palin Welcomes A Son

Monday, December 29th, 2008

And he’s healthy. That’s the most important thing. Bristol Palin, the 18-year-old daughter of former Republican vice-presidential candidate Sarah Palin, gave birth on Sunday to a healthy 7 lb., 4 oz., baby boy in Palmer, Alaska. “We think it’s wonderful,” said Colleen Jones, the sister of Bristol’s grandmother Sally Heath, who confirmed the news. “The [...]

A Few Thoughts About The Eagles

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Regular readers of SYLG know that I despise the Philadelphia Eagles with the white-hot intensity of a thousand suns. So, it makes sense that yesterday’s drubbing of the Dallas Cowboys – who I also can’t stand – made me even more surly than usual. But it’s not for the reasons you would expect. As an [...]

Wrestlers Sue School For Giving Them Herpes

Monday, December 29th, 2008

This is, by far, the funniest – and possibly the most frivolous – lawsuit ever. The school is responsible for their herpes? That’s like watching a Pamela Anderson film and blaming it when you contract Hepatitis C! In a related story, I am blaming the Philadelphia Police Department for my eczema. I will demand nothing [...]

Caroline Kennedy: She’s, You Know, Qualified

Monday, December 29th, 2008

If this interview is any indication, Caroline Kennedy is a complete and utter moron. Of course, that makes her uniquely qualified to be a United States Senator – especially a senator from New York. A defiant Caroline Kennedy says she “wouldn’t be beholden to anybody” – including Mayor Bloomberg – if she’s picked to become [...]

PA Man Spends Days Unnoticed In Attic

Monday, December 29th, 2008

Lord knows I wanted to hide in the attic during the holidays – especially when my family came over to visit. Heh. WILKES-BARRE, Pa. – A family didn’t realize it had an unexpected Christmas guest until a man who had been in their attic for days emerged wearing their clothes, police said. Stanley Carter surrendered [...]

A New Take On A Holiday Classic

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

During the Christmas season, we enjoy the classic stories of our youth. They warm our hearts and fill our souls with cheer in this happiest of times. Unfortunately, the world does not always come with this sugar-coated topping, so I have created a new take on a Christmas classic for this week’s FSM article. Enjoy! [...]

Israel Launches Attacks In Gaza

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

It’s about damned time. How many times does Israel need to sit back and tolerate rocket attacks from Gaza? GAZA CITY — Israeli jets pounded Hamas targets in Gaza and Hamas militants launched more rockets into Israel, as Palestinian security sources said Sunday that at least 277 people had been killed and hundreds wounded. Israel [...]

Quit Stalin And Vote For Joe!

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

Break out the duct tape, folks! Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin is in the running for Russia’s greatest-ever countryman – a poll conducted by and for fellow Russians. A nationwide Russian poll seeking to name the greatest-ever countryman is set to end Sunday, and former Soviet dictator Joseph Stalin is in the running for No. 1, [...]

Bucharest Wants Record-Breaking Big Meat

Sunday, December 28th, 2008

Maybe they should invite me over. Because if there’s anything I know a lot about, it’s big, tasty meat! Heh. Yeah, the headline is chock full of double entendre, but what can I say? It’s a big sausage! (Insert your own snarky comment here. Heh, heh, “insert.”) BUCHAREST – Bucharest attempted a new world record [...]

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