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A New Take On A Holiday Classic

By Wyatt Earp | December 28, 2008

ttnbcDuring the Christmas season, we enjoy the classic stories of our youth. They warm our hearts and fill our souls with cheer in this happiest of times.

Unfortunately, the world does not always come with this sugar-coated topping, so I have created a new take on a Christmas classic for this week’s FSM article.


‘Twas the night before Christmas, and all through the White House, not a creature was stirring . . . except President-Elect Barack Obama’s crack team of internationally-known interior designers. The One has decreed an extreme makeover for the Executive mansion, replete with new paint, shampooed carpets, and an oil painting of Jeremiah Wright – on a velvet canvas, of course - in the Lincoln Bedroom. Naturally, all furniture used by Dick “Darth Vader” Cheney will be dismantled and burned at taxpayer expense.

The stockings were hung by the chimney with care . . . because most Americans couldn’t afford to run their gas-powered dryers anymore. Actually, considering the rising cost of firewood in this battered economy, even the most lucrative businessman has been forced to burn drywall, money (in small denominations), and family photo albums for heat! There are even reports of some of the more “intellectually challenged” attempting to burn Harry Reid, Leif Garret, and Elijah Wood. It’s sad, really.

The children were nestled all snug in their beds, while visions of sugarplums danced in their heads. Visions of sugarplums are all the kids will have once “Hillary Care” is implemented. Sugars, starches, and fats are going the way of the dinosaur, and they will be replaced by “appropriate” foods, such as Brussels sprouts, lima beans, and a hundred other items that children wouldn’t touch with a ten-foot spoon. They will be unhappy, but hey, the government knows better than they do. Just ask them.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my bed to see what was the matter. Unfortunately, it was a pack of wild hippies and atheists, Hell-bent on protesting the neighborhood’s Christmas trees, Hanukkah menorahs, and Kwanzaa decorations. They picketed the residents with glee, oblivious to the irony of tree-huggers trying to make a point by using wooden signs.

The moon, on the breast of the new-fallen snow . . . Hold it right there! There is no new-fallen snow anymore, because it has been all but eradicated by evil conservatives and their global warming! This has been prophesized by Al Gore, and everyone knows that he is the master of all things environmental. Sure, there were a few inches of the white stuff in Las Vegas of all places this week, but Mr. Gore has determined that it was not a snowfall. Rather, it was merely “water pollution,” that will be dealt with in the harshest manner possible.

When what to my wondering eyes should appear, but a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer? After being alerted to its presence, NORAD has determined this conveyance to be classified as an unidentified flying object. A background check of the name “Claus” revealed that this German national is indeed on the United States’ No-Fly List, and F-18 Hornets are being scrambled out of Andrews Air Force base immediately. For whom the jingle bells toll, Claus? They toll for thee!

And then in a twinkling, I heard on the roof, the prancing and pawing of each little hoof. The homeowner ran to get his shotgun, but soon realized that the new administration outlawed all firearms for “the public good.” Undeterred, he notified the police department, who promised they would arrive as soon as Vice-President-elect Joe Biden’s motorcade left the regional MENSA meeting.

He was dressed in fur from his head to his foot, and his clothes were all tarnished with ashes and soot. Saint Nicholas is obviously a smoker and has no regard for the health and well-being of his fellow comrades, er, Americans. As if that is not bad enough, he also represents “Big Tobacco,” an evil corporation that profits from others’ doom. Senator Patrick Leahy is on the case, and has promised relief for his constituents – in the form of high-priced lawyers. Hooray!

His eyes – how they twinkled! His dimples, how merry! His cheeks were like roses . . . because Santa is a functional alcoholic. Normally this would present a problem, but the jolly fat man is a close personal friend of another jolly fat man: Massachusetts Senator Edward Kennedy. Senator Kennedy has vouched for Saint Nick, and as everyone knows, Kennedy’s character is beyond reproach.

He spoke not a word, but went straight to his work, and filled all the stockings then turned with a jerk. Get used to it, America. With the Democrats in power, everyone will soon have to work longer hours, holidays, and weekends. Well, everyone except our elected officials in Congress. They voted themselves another pay raise, just in time for Christmas!

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team he gave a whistle, and away they all flew like the down of a thistle. That is good news. If this “magic sleigh” project failed, Nancy Pelosi and her stooges would simply authorize yet another Detroit bailout. The shame of it is that the sleigh is not even made in America. The work is outsourced to the North Pole. Imagine: Icelanders are outbidding Americans! What does Bjork know about making a quality automobile?

I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good night.” Maybe when we wake up the politicians will have resigned, and the country will be in better shape.

Topics: FSM |

5 Responses to “A New Take On A Holiday Classic”

  1. Old NFO Says:
    December 28th, 2008 at 9:24 pm

    hehehe- you were on a roll with that one! Good job!

  2. Rick Says:
    December 28th, 2008 at 11:12 pm

    Great One Wyatt

  3. RT Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 7:58 am

    Funniest one, yet! :) Awesome!

  4. Doghouse Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 10:44 am

    You forgot the part where Santa was arrested for breaking and entering, wearing fur, abusive animal labor, hiring only elves and thereby not showing diversity …

  5. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 29th, 2008 at 12:55 pm

    Old NFO - Thank you very much.

    Rick - Thanks. This one rolled smoothly, instead of the usual 60 rough drafts the night before deadline.

    RT - Thanks, and thanks for the proofreading.

    Doghouse - I’ve never seen any minority elves. I wonder why that is?