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Charles Barkley Arrested For DUI

By Wyatt Earp | January 1, 2009

<i>Oh yeah, he's toasted.</i>

Oh yeah, he's toasted.

In fairness, he had a great excuse:

Former Phoenix Suns player and NBA star Charles Barkley told police he was in a hurry to receive oral sex from a female passenger when he ran through a stop sign drunk early Wednesday, a police report states.

So, he “blew” the stop sign on his way to getting a . . . Nah, that’s too easy. I do wonder, however, if Sir Charles was driving a Hummer?

The report, released late Wednesday by Gilbert police, details how Barkley not only made candid references to his impending rendezvous with an unnamed woman for oral sex, but also how he at least half-seriously implored a civilian police employee to help him get out of the DUI bust.

“Bust.” Get it? He made a funny!

While being processed at the East Valley DUI Taskforce command post, Barkley told police, “I was going to drive around the corner and get” oral sex, the report states. He explained he had engaged in oral sex with the same woman last week, the report added.

Not that it really matters, but I wonder what the race of the woman was? I only ask that because when he was in Philly, he married (and dated) more than his fair share of white women. Not that there’s anything wrong with that . . .

He then told civilian employee, “I’ll tattoo your name on my ass” if it would get him out of the DUI, according to the report.

Okay, there is something wrong with that! This man is a multi-millionaire, and his best attempt at bribery is to offer to put a woman’s name on his ample posterior? Stop being a cheap bastard, Charles, and offer to buy the woman a house!

As funny as this story is, it is about to get 100 times funnier. Read on:

Barkley was returning from the Dirty Pretty Rock Bar near Camelback and Miller roads where he spent about three hours with a large group of 40 people, said owner Ryan Jocque. The party included actor Jaleel White, who played TV nerd Steve Urkel from the 1990s sitcom Family Matters, and football player Michael Strahan. (H/TCode Monkey)

Remember the good old days when Sir Charles was partying with Magic Johnson, Michael Jordan, and fabulous supermodels? Now the man is partying with Steve. Frakkin’. Urkel! Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

Although, how funny would it have been if Barkley, um, “satisfied his needs” a little early, then said to the woman, “Did I do that?”

Topics: Evil = Funny | 7 Comments »

7 Responses to “Charles Barkley Arrested For DUI”

  1. RT Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 1:19 am

    Is he too poor to get a room? Geesh!

    I need some brain bleach after your last line. Thank you.

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 1:53 am

    RT – You’re welcome. Come on, it was funny and you know it!

  3. Supermom Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 5:54 am

    *spewing my drink*

    you are so freaking funny!

  4. Danny Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 5:59 am

    I guess that’ll be the end of the commercials with Sir Charles being grilled on the Hill about how many points his mom and granny would “drop” on the Mavs due to *their* lousy defense.

  5. USA_Admiral Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 9:13 am

    What room? The car could work, unless you are six foot six and OLD!

    Maybe we could hook him up with OJ when Barkley really goes off and gets sent to prison. That would be a pair.

  6. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 10:44 am

    did he blow the breathalyzer too? probably wasn’t necessary i guess heh.

    shame it wasn’t “Cameltoe and Miller roads” heh

    so yeah, he’s also admitting to public sex acts too… *rolls eyes*

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    January 1st, 2009 at 7:14 pm

    Supermom – *crosses fingers* Please Lord, don’t let that be sarcasm!

    Danny – If he had any defense he wouldn’t pull out the “ass tattoo” comment.

    Admiral – Imagine the two of them trolling for babes in the state pen.

    Smite – Heh, heh, “blow the breathalyzer.”