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Looking For Love At All The Wrong Numbers

By Wyatt Earp | October 27, 2010

Attention single women of America: the end to your lonliness is just a phone call away.

This handsome devil is Harlem resident Malik Turner. Malik is taking a new approach to sex in the city that may revolutionize social media. He is posting ads in phone booths around New York City, and is looking for a very specific type of woman. Call me crazy, but this move may become as popular as Facebook.

We can call it Phonebook.

No, wait, that’s already taken. Dammit. Well, I hereby claim any and all naming rights to Mr. Turner’s get-bitch-quick scheme, as well as any monetary compensation that may follow.

A pudgy, fanny-pack-wearing 40-year-old man who lives with his mother is so desperate to find love, he’s posting handwritten personal ads at payphones around the city. On paper, Malik Turner sounds like a fairly eligible bachelor: He’s single, gainfully employed as a “sorter/bagger” for the United Parcel Service, loves the color red, roots for the Rangers and Jets. His hobbies include playing video games and riding the subway.

Written in clear print and with extreme specificity, Turner’s ad says he’s seeking a blond, long-haired, “big-chested, curvy, leggy, voluptuous (NOT FAT)” woman – or women – age 21 to 45, “willing to take turns paying on date (NO GOLDDIGGERS!!!!!).”

He wanted to avoid “hookers, she-males, transsexuals, transvestites.”

In New York City? Yeah, good luck with that, Malik! (H/TMrs. C.)

Topics: Snarkasm | 17 Comments »

17 Responses to “Looking For Love At All The Wrong Numbers”

  1. RT Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:06 pm

    Well, darn…I don’t meet his requirements. Schucks.

  2. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    I’m exactly what Malik is looking for!
    Except I don’t do Dutch. I’m here Malik, but you’re gonna have to buy me dinner first and a couple of sidecars to seal the deal.

  3. Crusty Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:17 pm

    Too bad. Jessica Simpson fits all the requirements except playing video games

  4. Ingineer66 Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:22 pm

    That is hilarious. Before I even read the post, I thought what woman could resist a dude that wears a fanny pack that says “I heart New York”? And posting in phone booths? I mean who doesn’t have a cell phone? I didn’t know they even still had phone booths. Must be an east coast thing because they have even taken most of them out of the airports out here.

  5. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:25 pm

    I know! I love a man who knows exactly what he wants, refuses to jump on just any piece that looks his way, and rocks a fanny pack.

  6. GroovyVic Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 7:55 pm

    Don’t be fooled. It’s really Wyatt.

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 8:24 pm

    RT – Just dye the hair blonde. Duh!

    Mrs. Crankipants – Just don’t tell him you’re gonna force-feed him fried conch.

    Crusty – And the golddigger. What? Just sayin’.

    Ingineer66 – We were talking about that in the division the other day. Who uses phone booths and where can you find one nowadays?

    Mrs. Crankipants – He’s a handsome motherf**ker, isn’t he?

    GroovyVic – I wish I were that creative. besides my ad would specify hot brunettes who really dig the Civil War. :)

  8. Rick Says:
    October 27th, 2010 at 10:47 pm


  9. GroovyVic Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 5:19 am

    Gawd. Take it easy, puck boy.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 7:43 am

    Rick – With a capital “L.”

    GroovyVic – Puck boy. Heh, well played.

  11. RogerDee Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 8:44 am

    ” Nookin fer nub in all da rong paces” ( Still gotta love Eddie Murphy’s turn as “Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood” from Saturday Night Live

  12. Bob G. Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 9:44 am

    “Get-bitch-quick” scheme…LMAO!

    Roger Dee:
    LOL on the Mr. Robinson’s Neighborhood!

  13. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 10:05 am

    Roger – I miss Eddie Murphy.

    Bob G. – Thanks. I thought that was pretty funny.

  14. GroovyVic Says:
    October 28th, 2010 at 11:47 am

    Well, I could have told you to “puck off,” but I like you, so…

  15. Wes S. Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 12:23 am

    Whoa. Now we know what Urkel looks like as an adult.

    Maybe we can get Malik hooked up with “867-5309 Jenny…”

  16. Skip Says:
    October 29th, 2010 at 1:27 am

    I just saw that dood in the mens room wif a marker.
    “For a gud time…”

  17. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 30th, 2010 at 6:25 pm

    GroovyVic – Now that would be funny, too.

    Wes S. – “Did I write that?”

    Skip – Lots of that stuff at rest stops on the NJ Turnpike. Most are bad numbers, though. Oh, I’ve said too much.