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NFL To Investigate Brett Favre

Saturday, October 9th, 2010

Like I needed another reason to hate this tool. At first I thought the league would be investigating his terrible play on the field. From the looks of his numbers, he should have stayed retired this time. As it happens, the league is investigating a claim that he sent photos of his, um, “shotgun formation” [...]

Happy Birthday, Mrs. Crankipants!

Saturday, October 9th, 2010

Her birthday was on Thursday. I. Freakin’. Forgot. I probably should remember the birthday of the woman who scored me an autographed Wayne Gretzky jersey hockey stick, but I didn’t. I offer no excuse, except my usual idiocy. The good news is that since I forgot, you guys forgot, too. So please join me in [...]

Happy Birthday, Uncle Ray!

Sunday, October 3rd, 2010

So, I finished off a busy weekend by attending my Uncle Ray’s 60th birthday celebration. My Aunt Noreen, and cousins Colleen and Ray reserved a private room at Parx Racing and Casino (formerly Philadelphia Park) so we could bet on the ponies. The surprise party was after my uncle’s birthday in order to throw him [...]

Canada Braces For A Ho-Down

Wednesday, September 29th, 2010

In Canada, pimpin’ ain’t easy; but it’ll be less difficult for the next month or so. A Toronto judge has struck down Canada’s prostitution laws, effectively decriminalizing activities associated with the world’s oldest trade. “These laws, individually and together, force prostitutes to choose between their liberty interest and their right to security of the person [...]

Their Poles Are Rising

Monday, September 27th, 2010

Remember the good old days when guys would spend good money to watch hot babes dance their way around a stripper pole? Well, the good old days are gone forever, and they have been replaced with the great new days! Thanks in part to the X-Pole corporation, even regular hot babes can bone up on [...]

Ladies, I Give You The Emergency Bra

Saturday, September 25th, 2010

No, this is not something designed for Anne Hathaway. It is, however, the first item in a long line of survival lingerie. If this sells, look out; the catastrophe catsuit may be next! So girls, are you interested? Caught in a disaster? You’d better hope you’re wearing the Emergency Bra. Simply unsnap the bright red [...]

KFC Takes Advantage Of White Meat

Wednesday, September 22nd, 2010

Like many businesses, Kentucky Fried Chicken is experiencing a downturn during this bad economy. The restaurant chain’s numbers are taking a beakdive, and pretty soon they won’t have a pot pie to piss in. So what’s a business to do? If they’re smart, they make an appeal to a man’s more primitive side. KFC wants [...]

Chinese Woman Sues Cinema

Friday, September 10th, 2010

Have you been to the movies recently? It’s an arduous task filled with a half hour of commercials and previews before the film even starts. Well, a Chinese woman is fighting back by suing a cinema for wasting her time. For the first time in my adult life, I am proud of my country a [...]

University To Offer Zombie 101

Tuesday, September 7th, 2010

Did you hear that? That was my good friend loading her shotgun and registering. When she was at West Chester University, Mrs. Earp took Beginning Swimming as her Phys. Ed. elective. The young Mrs. Earp was a star for her swim team and a lifeguard for years. I give her a lot of flak for [...]

Buying Votes Was Never Sexier

Saturday, August 28th, 2010

Remember the good old days when politicians promised future favors for someone’s vote? Or in the case of Chicago, when they paid you off with cold, hard cash? Well, a Venezuelan politician is kicking it up a notch this election season, and the payola will surprise you. A Venezuelan politician is offering breast implants as [...]

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