By Wyatt Earp | December 17, 2010
UPDATE: I’m back. The gruesome details are at the end of the post.
Three weeks ago, I mentioned the rash of misfortunes I was exposed to in one terrible week. Most of them involved my health, or lack thereof. Apparently for me, 41 is the new 81. I’m falling apart, and truth be told, I didn’t have half these troubles when I was a fat bastard. Any hoo, I went for a three-month checkup on Wednesday, and while my cholesterol bloodwork was good, I was borderline anemic – again. I had been walking that tightrope for a year now, but recent events brought it to a head.
You see, for the better part of the last two weeks, I have been receiving a little something extra when I, um, “drop some friends off at the pool.” Namely, blood. (Told you it was TMI.) This has been disconcerting, especially with the anemia issues. I brought it up with the doc on Wednesday, and he told me what I already knew . . .
I have to get a colonoscopy. Yep, the dreaded apparatus.
My doc called the GI doc – who is a personal friend of his – and asked him to put me on the emergency list. He didn’t want me waiting until after the holidays, especially if there is serious health issue at play. The GI doc agreed, and my appointment is scheduled for today. Yesterday, I had to drink the “prep,” which is akin to Liquid Draino. It’s supposed to “free” my intestines of all solids. I am writing this post on Wednesday night, so I can’t give you the play-by-play of that lovely image, but the GI nurse told me that I would be spending most of my night in the bathroom.
This is powerfully uncool because Kyle’s Christmas Band Concert was last night – and I’ll be missing it.
So, by the time you read this post, I may already be getting “probed.” I’m trying to make light of this, but to be honest, I’m a worrier. If you can reach out to the Man Upstairs – again – I’d appreciate it.
I’ll update everyone as soon as I can sit in front of a computer again.
POST-EXAM UPDATE: Okay, that wasn’t bad at all. The colonoscopy, I mean. The “colon draino” prep last night sucked, but the procedure was very tolerable. When they took me back, I had to get naked except for socks – just like when I have sex! – and put on the gown, slippers, and hair net. I came out, ass swaying in the breeze, and they set me up on the gurney. The nurses – Wayne and Carol – were fantastic. They took my vitals, put in my IV, and told me to relax as best I could.
The anesthetist and the GI doc came out and explained what was going to happen. In short, they were going to stick a camera into my tush and take an up close and personal look at my colon – noting any abnormalities that may have contributed to the bloody stool. The anesthetist said I would be asleep for the entire event, but as usual, I expected to wake up halfway through.
They rolled me onto my left side and the anesthetist gave me two IV injections. The first did nothing until the second was given. He said the second dose may sting but I would be out immediately after. I remember saying, “You’re right, it stings.” And then I was out.
I woke up in the recovery area and the nurse – who was really attractive – said she needed me to break wind. Apparently, the docs shoot some air up there and I had to get the gas out in a way only men can enjoy. So, while I was on the gurney letting them rip, the doc came by. He said that there was no visible polyps or any other distressing issues, and the bleeding was coming from – you guessed it – hemorrhoids. He asked if I had any pain when I was sitting and I told him I don’t. He ordered me some meds to take care of things, but said the good news was there weren’t any warning signs up there. That made me feel better.
The only real not-so-good news was that I can’t do anything vigorous for three days – which means I’ll have to miss my hockey games on Sunday and Monday. Dang.
So, barring any other issues, I won’t have to get another colonoscopy for nine years. Thanks for the prayers, good wishes, and snark. It is much appreciated. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna lie down for a while.
Sorry about the TMI, but if nothing else, it just goes to show how I’ll do anything – including embarrassing myself – to keep you folks entertained.