Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« | Main | Prince Charles: Pro-Islam Moonbat »


By Wyatt Earp | June 10, 2010

By the time you read this, I may already be in excruciating pain.

Let me tell you about the day I had yesterday. The missus took the Princess to the doctor’s office for a checkup and a few shots. The two oldest were in school, so it was just Kevin and I at the Earp Ranch. We were watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. I was lying on my back on the couch, and he was standing in front of the television.

After a while, he came over to sit. He usually sits on my stomach while I lie on the couch. Not the most comfortable position for me, but it’s great for him. He climbs up on the couch and I hold out my arms to him. “Come here, buddy,” I said, and he took a step toward me.

And then it happened.

Kevin looked at me, lifted up his leg, and literally stomped on me. Well, to be more specific, he stomped on my testicles. With force.

I screamed so loud I thought I would shatter the windows. I wanted to throw him off the couch, but thought better of it. I put him on the floor while muttering expletives. My eyes were watering, I was getting really nauseous, and it felt like I had been shot down there.

I couldn’t get up, yet I couldn’t stay lying down: I had to move. I rolled off the couch to see Kevin laughing at me. Nice. I knelt on the floor while I caught my breath. That took a few minutes, and I figured I was dying. Literally.

The rest of the day was a blur of nausea and inexplicable pain. I had been hit in the groin before: what guy hasn’t? I took a few knees there from the kids, a football, and one time, a lacrosse ball. Nothing felt like this. Even my vasectomy felt pleasant by comparison.

I am writing this post at midnight: 15 hours after the incident. I still feel sick, I am still having trouble walking normally, and I still feel like I was shot in the nuts. (Although I did feel well enough to go see Iron Man 2: It was awesome.) I would post some babe pics today, but I don’t think my area can take it. The missus said if it is still bad today, I should see the doctor. We’ll see.

In the interim, I can’t wait for Kevin to be old enough for me to stomp him back. Kidding, kidding!

Topics: All About Wyatt, The Boys | 24 Comments »

24 Responses to “Stomp!”

  1. Kim Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 1:30 pm

    It’s not like you were using them anymore anyway, right?

  2. Echosix Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 1:49 pm

    Nah. You have to wait until HIS kid does it to him. Grandparents’ revenge!

  3. Ferrell Gummitt Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 1:55 pm

    Wyatt: I totally emptahize with you. In the last six months I have been kicked in the nads 5 times by my 4 year old daughter. When she gets mad at her brother she has a raging screaming fit. I pick her up and her kicking foot always seems to land in between.

    She laughs.

    My son laughs.

    I scream every expletive known to man including the Lord’s name in vain.

    My wife stops laughing and screams at me to stop swearing in front the kids.

    In the end I wind up going into our bedroom and lying down for 15 minutes until it wears off and I can walk again.

  4. Jon Brooks Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 2:15 pm

    Were his eyes glowing and was he intoning latin in a deep voice ? Do his imaginery friends hate you?
    Any pentagrams on his bedroom floor?

  5. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 2:27 pm

    “he stomped on me testicles.”
    You take a shot to the sack and suddenly you’ve developed an Irish brogue?

    They’re always after me Lucky Charms!

  6. RT Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 3:41 pm

    I was going to say that he sounds like Popeye.

  7. AJ Lynch Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 3:43 pm

    Damn Wyatt- you need to start wearing protective gear 24-7′s. Hope it is nothing serious.

    When you get better – and Kevin is much older – ask him that old joke “how’d you like two free acres?”

  8. Randal Graves Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 4:49 pm

    Stop whining, pansy. It’s not like you need them anyway.

  9. Ingineer66 Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    Or “What is the capital of Thailand?”

    I am guessing that the laughter is learned from older siblings in a similar situation.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 5:30 pm

    Kim – You’re just mad that I didn’t use your band castrator.

    Echosix – And sooner or later, it’ll happen.

    Ferrell – I was still feeling it this morning. Ouch, man!

    Jon – Worse. He laughed.

    Mrs. Crankipants – Blame the errors on my double vision.

    RT – I yam what I yam!

    AJ – I’m gonna to need to put on my hockey equipment for around the house.

    Randal – Oh nice. I can’t wait to teach my lovely niece a new sabot kick.

    Ingineer66 – I told the two older boys. They laughed, too. Evil little urchins.

  11. Jason Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 6:55 pm

    Every morning at dawn’s early light our two climb into bed with us, and I don a pillow over the vulnerable area and go back to sleep.

    I have been snapped from a deep sleep from a foot contacting my gonadians. I saw stars and screamed so loud that I frightened the little ones (5 & 6).

    I took a fighting course (actually a knife course coupled with disarm/retention). One of the “contact” points taught to quickly END the encounter is the gonadian region. Every guy in the course cringed while practicing pretend strikes (it’s actually grab and twist until something pops). I get chills thinking about it but the method taught is to cause extreme pain while redirecting the attackers focus on harming you.

    Funny though, when you reach down for that region, the role player immediately stops trying to grab the gun or lets go if the grab has started.

    Gonads are both a recreational zone AND a way to stop an attack.

  12. CaptainAmerica Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 7:19 pm

    Oddly enough I have to agree with Randal. Take a lap! Walk it off Mary!

    Good thing you didn’t call me, I’d have called Fire-Rescue. Franks & Beans!!!

    Actually lay on your back next time with your feet on the couch. Works wonders.


  13. Rob in Katy Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Maybe you and borrow some of the Mrs lace and frilly things, suck it up Barbie! You are supposed to be my Hero, so maybe a lace cape?

  14. Rob in Katy Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 8:27 pm

    Redo: Maybe you can borrow….
    I hate redoes on zingers.

  15. 1oldleg Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 8:55 pm


    You got some butch-ass boyfriends, son! Anyway, buttercup, about the worst can happen is a torsion, that’s when the cord suspending the nert twists around itself and cuts off the blood supply and yer nert dies, or can if left unattended. You’d have known by now. So put the jock strap on, sunshine and march on.

    Give the boy a cookie for us, will ya? You probably scared the poor tyke.

  16. JT Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 9:36 pm

    Look at the bright side…..

    at least ya didn’t get bit by a spider.

  17. richard mcenroe Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 9:43 pm

    You telling me Scarlet Johannsen as the Black Widow didn’t reinflate them?

  18. Wyatt Earp Says:
    June 10th, 2010 at 11:50 pm

    Jason – Great, now I am cringing.

    Captain – Looks like I have a new target when firing lacrosse balls in my backyard: Captain’s groin.

    Rob – Yeah, loses its punch a tad.

    1oldleg – Jesus, man!!! Now I can’t stand up after that vivid description!

    JT – No, that would be the bright side. It would have grown much larger!

    Richard – Actually, she did, but it hurt.

  19. Crazy Politico Says:
    June 11th, 2010 at 8:25 am

    My son used to dive off the footboard of our bed to wake us up. Somehow no matter what position I slept in he’d find a way to land on the jewels.

    Thank god he quit doing that before he started playing football :)

  20. metoo Says:
    June 11th, 2010 at 8:41 am

    Aw, come on, Wyatt. I always thought you were a manly man.

  21. Wyatt Earp Says:
    June 11th, 2010 at 1:45 pm

    CP – Or got any heavier!

    MeToo – I was until the other day!

  22. Rick Says:
    June 11th, 2010 at 2:08 pm

    Ouch.This story made me hurt also.

  23. Mack Says:
    June 12th, 2010 at 2:16 am

    See the Dr. ASAP. They are easier to rupture than you may think.

  24. Kate Says:
    June 12th, 2010 at 1:57 pm

    I suppose the Met is always looking for a male soprano? :?

    Dang! I’m not even male, and reading that was painful.