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An Open Letter To The Makers Of Dockers

By Wyatt Earp | October 30, 2007

Dear Sirs,

My name is Wyatt Earp, and I am a long-time customer. My position as a Philadelphia Police Detective necessitates the purchase of your product en masse, and usually I am very satisfied. Usually.

Recently, however, I have had some issues with your khakis. These issues have presented themselves in two parts:

  • Color.
  • Sizing.

The sizing issue is one of enormous importance. And that is because my body is enormous. I have recently suffered a devastating hockey injury, and until my knee is healed, I can rarely exercise. Since I still eat like a big, fat, sweaty hog, I cannot maintain my ample girth, and have expanded into Dom De Luise proportions. This is cause for concern.

Of course, my health problems are not the concern – unless that includes the soreness around the gut that I feel after a day at the office. The concern is that you have stopped manufacturing the “Individual Fit” khakis with the expandable waistband. What the Hell?

These khakis were a godsend to the portly gentleman. If a few pounds hitched a ride on my ass, it wasn’t a big deal. Without the Individual Fit option, however, this means that I will have to eat celery for lunch for a few weeks. And what good is celery, unless it’s in a Bloody Mary?

Please re-launch the “Individual Fit Relaxed” line; at least until I am cleared for ice hockey again.

The color issue is also of great importance. Why? Because I recently purchased two pairs of pants; one black, one in midnight blue. Have you ever tried to disseminate the difference of these colors at 5:45 in the morning? It’s impossible! I know this because I tried to do so this morning before work, and I didn’t know I was wearing blue instead of black until The Godfather pointed it out.

Do you know how ridiculous I looked wearing a brown shirt, black tie, and blue pants?!!!

Would it kill you people to label the color of the Dockers on an inside label? I usually get dressed in the dark – so as to not wake the family – but I’d rather not look like I got dressed in the dark. Please rectify these situations as soon as possible. Thank you.

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