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Answers Ahoy!

By Wyatt Earp | December 31, 2006

Yeah, so I’m a little late. Big whoop. It’s difficult to post when you have a tremendous ringing in your ears – thank you, Psychedelic Furs! Saddle up, gang!

Fmragtops asks, “Have you beaten Scarface yet? Is it worth the dough?”

Fm, I have not beaten the game yet, because I am slowly coming to grips with the fact that my five-year old son will soon be able to school me in the videogame realm. As a result, I am playing games with him, and really rubbing it in when I win, to “help make him a man.” It’s what my father taught me. Actually, I have only played it a few times so far, and it is DEFINITELY worth the dough.

The Man asks, “Why are you burned out on police work? And as a hockey fan, are you amused that Nashville has a player named “Fiddler”?”

TM, friggin’ New York rednecks! You never follow the rules! The only thing I can tell you about the work situation, is that I was told I cannot talk about it. As far as The Fiddler, I am more amused that his teammate, Jordin Tootoo, changed his number to “22.” Now, that’s funny!

Fmragtops then asks, “Do you think The Riddler was gay?”

Fm, I don’t know. Do you think Paris Hilton is a whore? The Riddler wears a bowler, and a green spandex outfit with question marks throughout. Little known fact: those question marks represent the issues surrounding his ambiguous sexuality. True story!

Nomoretreehugginghippiecrap asks, “Do the words “Large Frames” in the banner at the top of your page refer to you or eye glasses?”

NMTHHC, curiously enough, it refers to an alternate ending of Back to the Future III. In it, Rosie O’Donnell goes back in time to the Old West, and changes “fashion” forever, by wearing drab, loose-fitting men’s clothes. The tailors were unprepared for this trend, and adjusted their mannequins accordingly to meet the needs of the modern 19th Century lesbian.

RT asks, “If you were to imagine you were single, for like a second . . . who would be your dream date and what would be on the docket for the evening?”

RT, that’s an easy one: Pictionary with Sandra Day O’Connor! Actually, for my money it would be taking Kirsten Dunst out for dinner and a movie, followed by three straight days of my telling her how beautiful I find her. Of course, I am married, so I would never think of such things!

RT then asks, “If you could snap your fingers and do anything . . . what would it be?”

RT, I’d stop you from using all of those God forsaken dots in your sentences! Nah, I’m just yanking ya. I would have to go with the time-tested classic “Make People Disappear.” That would come in handy during the requisite idiotic conversations I get sucked into on a daily basis.

Randal Graves asks, “How fast will Chuck Liddell beat down Tito Ortiz on Saturday night?”

Randal, oh how I wish I could be there to watch it, but I am exhausted and would probably fall asleep. No matter, though, since Liddell will erase Ortiz in about four minutes.

Pandy asks, “Why can’t I drive 55?”

Pandy, because you are currently in Italy, and “55″ over there is registered in kilometers. Thus, you are actually doing 235 mph – I did the math – and you car’s engine can’t take it. Either that, or you’re a reckless maniac. Now don’t you ever quote Sammy Hagar here again. It hurts my ears!

AJ Lynch asks, “How much money would you need to agree to do Lynn Abraham?”

AJ, hey, power is attractive! Unfortunately, she’s not that powerful. I’d say $100 billion dollars.

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