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People Suck

By Wyatt Earp | August 10, 2005

I hate the people who love me. And they hate me.” – Bender, Futurama

I’m working my car this morning when I get a call for a burglar alarm in the industrial park. Upon arrival, I notice that there is a blackout blanketing about two square miles. Swell. I notify radio and ask them to get PECO (the local electricity monopoly) on the horn. It’s about 0530 and rush hour is just beginning.

The sun pops up and now I’m trying to deal with traffic control at two intersections whose lights are kaput. We’re terribly shorthanded, so I decide to take a post at the more dangerous intersection. My presence goes unnoticed – just like in the bedroom – and people are flying by in all directions. This isn’t working, so I took up a position further down the arterial road in an attempt to divert the vehicles from the nasty cluster-frak ahead. I pull into the oncoming lane and activate my dome lights.

And then, the idiots come out of the woodwork.

Now, one would think that when a marked police car was blocking the road, people would take the detour which is right next to said officer. Not so, grasshopper. Literally one out of three vehicles ignored the turn-off and pulled up to my cruiser. Here’s a sample of actual conversations I had today:

Motorist:Officer, can I get by?
Me:No. The lights are out at the intersection.”
Motorist:So . . . I can’t get by?

Motorist:Hey, why are you blocking the street? Is something going on up there?
Me:Nah, I just wanted to ruin people’s day.”

Motorist: (Points past my car and shrugs his shoulders.)
Me:Sorry, you can’t get by.”
Motorist:Well, where am I supposed to go?
Me:Take the open road right next to you.”
Motorist:Will it take me back to the main road.”
Me:Um . . . yeah!
Motorist:‘Cause I need to get back to the main road.”
Me: (Head explodes.)

(I loved this one!)
Motorist:Officer, why are you blocking the street? Did something happen?
Me:Well sir, why else would I be sitting here in the middle of the road?
Motorist:How the hell should I know?!!

Comedy like this just writes itself.

Topics: True Police Stories | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “People Suck”

  1. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 10:40 am

    So wait, why were you blocking the road again? I need to stay on the main road. Would you make an exception for me?

  2. Jackie Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 4:36 pm

    to hell! is where you’re supposed to go.

    Couldn’t he figure that out on his own?

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 5:38 pm

    Doc – Bite me.

    Jax – Wish I thought of that!!!

  4. Jackie Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 7:31 pm

    only a woman would!

    to the second guy you should have said what’s it look like I’m trying to take a S_ _ _!

    let me know if you need any more help!

  5. Kate Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 7:52 pm

    God, I dislike stupid people!

  6. Tyler D. Says:
    August 10th, 2005 at 10:50 pm

    A person is smart.

    People are stupid.

    Nope, both are pretty dumb.