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Running To A Clean Bill Of Health

By Wyatt Earp | April 15, 2010

Okay, I’ll never be as skinny as I was in high school (5’8″ – 130 pounds) but some of my other issues have been rectified. At least temporarily.

Today I had twin appointments, and both saw pretty good outcomes. First, I had to travel to the foot doctor for a follow-up. Yes, I know I didn’t post about the original injury, but long-story-short: I suffered a stress fracture in my left foot. The conventional wisdom is that it was an ice hockey injury, but I never had any trauma, so who knows? The doc put me in a giant stabilizing boot, which made me walk around like Davy Jones all day, and I spent the better part of a month as a cripple.

Today was my follow-up, and the doc took x-rays when I walked through the door. Negative! After talking it over for a few minutes, the doctor came in and said, “You graduated.” The boot could come off, and I was pretty much cured. I am still not allowed to do anything even remotely athletic for a while – which is fine since hockey season is over – but at least I can walk normally again.

An hour later, I came in for my dermatology appointment. The doc said I was due for a full-body cancer screening, so to say I was worried was an understatement. When I settled into the room, the nurse asked me to undress – down to my underwear – and put on one of those fashionable paper gowns. I hate those things because:

1. I am really self-conscious about my disgusting body.
2. I couldn’t get the gown closed in the back.

So, I tried to cinch the thing up before sitting on the exam table, and I heard a “RRRIIIPPP.” Crap. I looked down and saw that the gown split over my right thigh. The way the gown was around me, it looked like one of those 80′s miniskirts with the slit on the side.

(I’ll give everyone a minute to grab the eye bleach. It’s in the top cupboard.)

Now I am sitting uncomfortably in the room when the doctor walks in. He’s a nice, down-to-Earth guy, and we get along really well. He opens the door, looks at the rip and bursts out laughing. I glared at him and said, “If you didn’t skimp on the gowns this wouldn’t happen.”

When he stopped laughing, he started with the screen. He checked top to bottom, front to back. Prognosis: negative! No signs of cancer at all. Sweet. I still have to wear a baseball cap outside and slather on the sunscreen, but at least I am not looking at another operation . . . for now.

All in all, it was a pretty good day.

Topics: All About Wyatt, Cancer | 19 Comments »

19 Responses to “Running To A Clean Bill Of Health”

  1. joated Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    Good to hear that you will live to face another day (maybe). Now about that blog meet at a place famed for its brew and burgers….

    (I’d love to come, especially since it’s instate. But it’s still four (4) freakin’ hours to Langhorne from where I am. Too long for a one day trip.)

  2. RT Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 8:50 pm

    Good news! :) YAY!

    I pray for you a lot, your health and ability to see those little ones grow up, so you can be an old grandpa someday. :)

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 9:00 pm

    Joated – Especially to see some mediocre blogger, like RT. Oh, she’s here isn’t she?

    RT – Oh, hi RT! And no rush on that. I don’t like grown-ups.

  4. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 9:16 pm

    You should stash a roll of Scotch tape in your shorts for such emergencies.

    Glad you’re okay.

  5. Wyatt Earp Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 9:18 pm

    Mrs. Crankipants – I usually do. Oh, you meant to repair the gown and not to show off, right?

  6. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 9:33 pm

    Scotch tape to mend.
    Socks to show off.

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 9:35 pm

    Mrs. Crankipants – Oh. Got it.

  8. RT Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 10:34 pm

    Yeah…I’m here…lurking.

  9. Easily Lost Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 10:46 pm

    Copper, glad to hear everything went well at both appointments. I’m sure both you and the missus are relieved.

  10. bob (either orr) Says:
    April 15th, 2010 at 11:49 pm

    Guess I’ll recognize you 8 May by the boot, eh?

  11. Picky Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 3:56 am

    Glad to hear you’re ok.

    And coming from someone in the medical field: we don’t care what your body looks like. We’ve seen it all. Something a lot of people don’t know is that when there’s a “code” type situation, the first thing to go out the window is the patient’s modesty. All their clothes get ripped off, as they are lying in a room surrounded by twenty people. Take heart. At least you got to keep your underwear on. :-D

  12. GroovyVic Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 5:28 am


  13. Sally Anne Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 7:27 am

    Double hooray! I once had stress fractures and it sucked (felt like someone had been using a hammer on my feet) but taking it easy on ‘em is the only thing to do, unless you want to really bust ‘em. Keep still, stay in the shade… That is my kind of summer, ha!!

  14. Dannytheman Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:12 am

    The things you learn by reading!!

    What a good day!!

  15. metoo Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 9:01 am

    Glad to hear you got a good report, Wyatt. Follow doctor’s orders and remember…you can have all sorts of fun inside or in the shade. Here’s to a long and happy life for you, your wife and the kids!

  16. Wyatt Earp Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    E.L. – Yeah, with my luck it could have been much worse. Good to see you Monday night on B4B.

    Bob – Not anymore! It’s off. The guy throwing up in the bathroom from the stress will be me.

    Picky – Which is weird because I usually don’t wear any. Kidding, kidding!

    GroovyVic – Finally, a win for the fat guy!

    Sally Anne – So the fact that I mowed the lawn today – and now my foot hurts – was not the smartest thing to do?

    Danny – Yeah, the foot was nice, but cancer-free (for now) was better.

    MeToo – I go nowhere without a baseball cap and sunscreen now.

  17. Rick Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    I am glad to hear you got good news.

  18. Crazy Politico Says:
    April 16th, 2010 at 10:37 pm

    First off, congrats on the good foot and negative cancer screening. Considering my health issues the last month or so, I can understand and appreciate your relief.

    As for the gown, I hate those things with a passion. Last hospital stay the nurse gave me two to wear (one on backward) so my backside wouldn’t hang out when I did my laps around ICU. The last thing they wanted was some post-op patient to see my pasty white ass and laugh hard enough to rip a stitch.

  19. Picky Says:
    April 17th, 2010 at 12:15 am

    Wyatt…don’t tell me you were an extra in that Schwarzenegger movie….COMMANDO!