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Nazi Cows Will Destroy Us All!

By Wyatt Earp | April 22, 2009


What. The. Frak?

Through the misty early morning sunlight dappling a Devon field, a vision from the primeval past lumbers into view.

The beast with its shaggy, russet-tinged coat, powerful shoulders and lyre-shaped horns could have stepped straight from a prehistoric cave painting.

They’re talking about Rosie O’Donnell, right? I thought this was an article about Nazi cows, not nutcase cows!

The vision is a creature of which even Julius Caesar was in awe: Bos primigenius, the aurochs, fearsome wild ancestor of all today’s domestic cattle, immortalized tens of thousands of years ago in ochre and charcoal in the Great Hall of the Bulls at Lascaux in southwest France.

But this herd of 13 bulls, cows and calves known as Heck cattle is the product of Nazi genetic engineering, an attempt to reintroduce the extinct aurochs, the last of which died of old age in a Polish forest nearly four centuries ago.

These Nazi cows can be identified by their sour milk, their rambling anti-Semitic comments, and their allegiance to Germany during World Cup games.

The cattle have been imported into Britain for the first time by Derek Gow, a conservationist who is also at the forefront of attempts to reintroduce the beaver. (H/TFOXNews)

Heh, heh, “introduce the beaver.”

How funny is it that a conservationalist (read: a hippie) is bringing Nazi cows to Great Britain? It’s probably a stealth insurrection to avenge World War II. Alan B, get out while you still can!

Topics: WTF? | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “Nazi Cows Will Destroy Us All!”

  1. Doghouse Says:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 4:25 pm

    Nazi cows – the other Aryan meat.

  2. Alan B Says:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 4:26 pm

    If the aurochs are here, can Saruman be far behind:

    “Alan B, get out while you still can!”
    Thanks for the warning but they’ll have to catch me first!!

  3. RT Says:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 7:34 pm

    I’d say that strikes me as just about the weirdest article you’ve ever posted.

  4. USA_Admiral Says:
    April 22nd, 2009 at 7:37 pm

    That post title is a real eye grabber.

    You just had to mention that old bovine Rosie and Ahmadickhead in the same post! Bravo.

  5. Mike47 Says:
    April 23rd, 2009 at 11:23 am

    “Conversationalist”? You mean he likes to talk a lot?

  6. Wyatt Earp Says:
    April 23rd, 2009 at 1:13 pm

    Doghouse – Funny, he doesn’t look like a blond.

    Alan B – Oh no, I looked into The Eye!

    RT – And that, in itself, is saying something.

    Admiral – Thank you, I’ll be here all week! Try the veal!

    Mike47 – No, it means I’m an idiot who didn’t proofread before posting.