People I Hate
By Wyatt Earp | September 8, 2008
Long-time readers of SYLG will remember this classic bit, which was posted every Thursday here for years. However, I hung it up after Chuck Cassidy’s assassination. I just didn’t have the bile required for a hate-filled rant every week. Now, before you ask, I am not bringing this back on a regular basis, but I didn’t have any other way to rant about the following turds. Enjoy. Or not.
The ShamWow Guy
Okay, this guy really grinds my gears. First of all, his damned commercial is on about 23 hours a day. Second, he talks too fast, and his product is complete and utter garbage. (I assume.) Finally, I cannot – and will not – respect a shill that looks like Johnny Knoxville from Jackass. Actually, Jackass is very appropriate for this guy. He annoys me to the nth degree.
The defining moment for me is the part in his infomercial where he says that ShamWow is made in Germany. He brags that, “You know the Germans always make good stuff.” Yeah, those Panzers just rolled through Europe completely unopposed; I gotta buy this rag!
Every time I see this commercial I want to punch that guy’s face like he punches the rag into the cola-filled piece of carpet. Dammit! Hopefully, this man gets painful ass cancer, post haste! There, I said it.
Billy Mays
Boy, is this guy a jerk, or what? What’s there to hate about this toad? First, his beard is perfect. Perfectly trimmed, perfectly dyed, and perfect for his cheery little face. I want to grind it off his cheeks with a sand blaster, but I’ve been told I have anger issues. Second, his hair (like his beard) is perfect. Wind tunnel tested, plastic looking ‘do. It annoys me. Finally, he is way too excited when trying to hawk crappy Mighty Putty and OxyClean. Everyone – including Billy – knows this stuff is crap, so why does he have to be so cheery when talking about it. IT’S CRAP!!! ADMIT IT!!!
Dear Allah, please reward Billy Mays with strep throat that lasts about 50 years. I cannot hear this man speak anymore; he makes my ears bleed. Thank you.
Okay, I’m better. I now return you to your regularly scheduled nonsense.
Topics: People I Hate | 18 Comments »
September 8th, 2008 at 9:23 pm
HI! BILLY MAYS HERE WITH AN AMAZING WEBSITE CALLED SUPPORT YOUR LOCAL GUNFIGHTER. FOLKS, THIS MAY BE THE MOST IMPORTANT THING I’VE EVER ENDORSED, BECAUSE WHERE WOULD WE BE WITHOUT GUNFIGHTERS? BUT WAIT, THERE’S MORE! CALL NOW AND I’LL DOUBLE YOUR ORDER WITH A FREE WEBSITE CALLED WOODY’S PLACE. AN AMZING VALUE, CALL NOW! CALL NOW!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:42 pm
HI, BILLY MAYS HERE, AND I’M HERE TO TELL YOU I’M NOT THRILLED ABOUT BEING ON YOUR PEOPLE I HATE LIST!!!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
Okay, those were very disturbing. Funny as Hell, but disturbing!
September 8th, 2008 at 9:46 pm
*snort* I am laughing so hard I can barely breathe.
Every time Billy Mays comes on the boys and I start talking to each other REALLY LOUD!! We think he has a hearing problem — probably from people telling his products are awful.
September 8th, 2008 at 10:45 pm
ROTFLMAO! Billy Mays works HARD to make you not like him, obviously he has been successful! He’s an old line salesman; ask your folks, there were probably more than one or two that knocked on the door and your parents played hell getting rid of them!
September 9th, 2008 at 5:51 am
What scared me most about Billy was the way his hands look BLEACHED- most people’s hands are more tan than their arms, right? WTF is in that stuff he’s peddling!?
Actually I like OxyClean. But still afraid of Billy.
September 9th, 2008 at 9:28 am
DORKELINA: The OxyClean bleached the spray on tann right off his hands.
OLD NFO: Yes, yo’ve got him. He’s one of those old school high pressure salesmen. Try calling an 800 number to buy a floor and you’ll have one at your house that won’t take no for an answer.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:20 am
The worst is Billy Mays selling INSURANCE!!
You’ll be sayin’ WOW every time ya use it.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:48 am
Now, about the ShamWOW!!!!!!
Supposedly it sucks up every bit of water that you can throw at it. It’s also machine washable. If it can suck up that much water, shouldn’t it be impervious to the washing machine?
September 9th, 2008 at 11:05 am
Yikes, I never thought of that but it’s logical. Me, I have the perfect solution. I don’t watch TV anymore.
September 9th, 2008 at 12:52 pm
The shamwow guy irritates me too! I find it amusing how he always says that the current low price is only for a limited amount of time, and the friggin’ price has been the same since the commercial has been on t.v.
Another person that annoys me is the old guy that talks about diabetes supplies (or as he pronounces it diabetus).
For God’s sake, if you’re going to have a spokesperson for a disease, please make sure they can at least pronounce it.
September 9th, 2008 at 3:54 pm
Deanna – Maybe he thinks he can convince people to buy his crap if he’s yelling?
Old NFO – This I vow: If Billy Mays comes to my door, I’m answering with shotgun in hand.
Dorkelina – OxyClean probably does that to your skin. Look how pasty you always are. *ducks*
Woody – The missus took a pity call from someone like that, and it took weeks to get rid of him and his constant phone calls. She’s not allowed to answer the door anymore.
GroovyVic – He needs insurance. Someday, someone will douse him with OxyClean!
Doghouse – Wow, that’s a brilliant point. Wish I had thought of it first.
Ky person – Can’t do that. TV is the only thing I have to avoid the family. Heh.
DL474 – That would be Wilford Brimley. And his pronunciation confounds me as well. Jackass.
September 9th, 2008 at 5:22 pm
Ah yes, Wilfred Brimley.
I can’t stand the yeast infection commercials.
Embarrassing odor! That itch you can’t scratch!
Viva Viagra!
September 9th, 2008 at 5:35 pm
Oh, I don’t know. Oxy Clean works really well. Honestly, the fact that its a decent product helps one overlook the man’s in-your-face delivery. At least he’s not a liar..
September 9th, 2008 at 6:33 pm
Billy Mays!!! I fuc&*# HATE the fuc&*%!!.
BZ
September 9th, 2008 at 7:42 pm
Yeast infection commericals. They never mention what flavor that stuff comes in.
September 9th, 2008 at 10:33 pm
Can I let you in on a little secret?
The sham-wow is one of Xran’s little side-businesses. It seems the fur from one of his more “sensitive” regions sheds regularly and has amazing absorbent qualities.
I won’t tell you about the Snotglob “psyllium fibre” connection. That’s too disturbing.
September 11th, 2008 at 4:59 am
I don’t bathe in it, Earp… Sheesh. I just am trying my best not to look like a leather handbag by the time I am 40, so I keep out of direct sunlight as much as possible.