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People I Hate

By Wyatt Earp | May 24, 2007

Happy Thursday, everyone! Once again, it is time for another classic edition of PIH. (Actually, this edition will consider some non-people, too. And, no, Helen Thomas is not a non-person . . . although I wish she would be.) Let’s roll!


Yeah, I know they’re not “people,” but I hate them nonetheless. It appears that my home was the one-time setting for Alfred Hitchcock’s film, “The Birds.” These little winged bastards gravitate to my yard, nest in my roof/attic, and take a dump on my brand new SUV. All that’s missing is Tippi Hedren. Recently, the nesting has become a problem, because the little chirping chicks have been falling into the attic . . . then down into the walls. There’s nothing better than waking up at 3am to the sounds of birdsong inside your bathroom wall. I am currently working on a way to alleviate this problem: I am calling it my “Final Solution.” Be warned, birds! The bell tools for thee!

The Ass Of Bass

No, not the Swedish super group Ace of Base, I am talking about the jerkasses who feel the need to share their God-awful music with everyone once the thermometer hits 70 degrees. Don’t get me wrong, I like to crank up the tunes every once in a while, but when I come to a traffic light, I turn it down so as to not blow the doors off my neighbors. These a-holes couldn’t care less. Oh, and of course, it is almost exclusively rap music. “Rap” isn’t music, you friggin‘ morons! It’s some grade school dropout speaking into a mic. We had that when I was a kid. It was called “Mister Microphone!” Turn your shite down before I pump your car full of lead. Asses.

The Morons Behind “Click It Or Ticket”

I hear these radio PSA’s on a continuous basis. The program was developed by the NHTSA, with the intention of having every motorist buckle their seat belt. (I guess NJ Governor John Corzine ignored the ads.) The PSA’s are a terrific idea, and as a police officer, I support the program. What I think is completely idiotic is the PSA’s presentation. It goes something like this:

“From early dawn until the middle of the night, cops are checking motorists for their seat belts . . . “

That is complete and utter bullshit. Sure, that may be the plan in Lickspittle, Kansas, but there is no one in a major metropolitan police department that is actively patrolling for seat belt scofflaws. Can you imagine?

Officer #1: “Hey Barry, there’s a call for a triple homicide in Germantown. We’re a block away.”
Officer #2: “Not now, Dave. I’m looking to see if this guy’s wearing his seat belt!!!”

Click It Or Ticket. Nice thought. Lousy presentation. Now, buckle up, everybody!

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