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"You Can’t Handle The Truth!"

By Wyatt Earp | September 25, 2006

Wow, that was more difficult than I imagined. Your answers are up, and for the most part, they make sense. Whether or not they are entertaining is a decision I will leave up to you. If you gave me a movie question, I tried to connect the corresponding answer. A few of them went over my head, though. Enjoy!

Fmragtops asks, “Do you know what “nemesis” means?

Fmragtops, “A righteous infliction of retribution manifested by an appropriate agent. Personified in this case by an ‘orrible cunt . . . me.” (Snatch)

Pandy asks, “What is the most effective way for me to deal with my husband’s insubordination? He refuses to do anything I nag about… er… ask him nicely to do! I need something that isn’t going to leave marks that are visible when he’s in uniform.”

Pandy, “Vhy don’t you admit it? He’s too much of man for you. I know. You’re going to need an army to beat him! You’re finished. Fertig! Verfallen! Verlumpt! Verblunget! Verkackt!” (Blazing Saddles)

John D. asks, “How do you establish intent to commit rape?

John D, “When a naked man is chasing a woman through an alley with a butcher’s knife and a hard-on, I figure he isn’t out collecting for the Red Cross!” (Dirty Harry)
Bobby asks, “How bout them Yankees?

Bobby, “It’s like watching a bunch of retards trying to hump a doorknob out there!” (Dodge Ball: A True Underdog Story)

Michael Hodges asks, “Do you think the Eagles won’t suck (or suck less) this year?” And, “Does Philly allow you to choose your side-arm, or are you restricted to the 17 issue?” And, finally, “Who is Luke’s mother?

Michael, 1. “You said it! They stink on ice!” (History of the World, Part 1) 2. “That’s a good gun. Just touch the trigger, the beam comes on and you put the red dot where you want the bullet to go. You can’t miss.” (The Terminator) 3. “Happy Scrappy Hero Pup.” (Clerks)

Tyler D. asks, “Why did the empire design a moon-sized space station that had one flaw that everyone knew about?” He then asks, “What is the capital of Assyria?

Tyler, 1. “There’s something wrong with his medulla oblongata.” (The Waterboy) 2. “I don’t know that. Auuuuuggggghhhhh!” (Monty Python and The Holy Grail)

Vinnie Antonelli asks, “Why won’t Erin Gray OR Emma Laaksonen return my calls?

Vinnie, “Where did you ever get that awful hairdo? It doesn’t become you at all. Here, for goodness’ sake, let me fix it up. Look how stringy and messy it is. What a shame. Such an interesting monster, too. My stars, if an interesting monster can’t have an interesting hairdo, then I don’t know what things are coming to.” (Bugs Bunny)

Insolublog asks, “What long term effect will Katie Couric have on the CBS evening news?

Insol, “Human sacrifice, dogs and cats living together – mass hysteria!” (Ghostbusters)

Anne Elizabeth asks, “I won’t think about that now. Tomorrow, tomorrow is another day! Hint: Vivien Leigh said it, but in which movie?

Anne, “Frankly, my dear, I don’t give a damn.” (Gone With the Wind)

The Man asks, “Kearse out for the year? Who takes his place?

The Man, “Willie Mays Hayes. We don’t know where Hayes played last year, but I’m sure he did a hell of a job.” (Major League)

Pinhead asks, “Why does Hillary Clinton’s face look like that?

Pinhead, “That ain’t no woman! It’s a man, man!” (Austin Powers: International Man of Mystery)

Dragon Lady asks, “What is the air speed velocity of an unladen swallow?

DL, “What do you mean? An African or European swallow?” (Monty Python and The Holy Grail)

Little Miss Chatterbox asks, “What happens when you put me and a dictator in the same room?

LMC, “It’s gonna be a huge shit sandwich, and we’re all gonna have to take a bite.” (Full Metal Jacket)

Molly asks, “How can you get your kids to eat their veggies without resorting to screaming and yelling?

Molly, “There’s nothing like a good piece of hickory.” (Pale Rider)

Tyler D. (who won’t stop asking questions) asks, “Will the beatings continue until morale improves?

Ty, “Morale is crucial right now. Keep the men in the secured areas. You’ll see how they forget about these ‘Wolverines.’” (Red Dawn)

GroovyVic asks, “Hey man, you got a joint?

GroovyVic, “I thought I told you not to be dealing in front of the store.” (Clerks)

Jack asks, “What was your best arrest? Use whatever definition of ‘best’ that you choose.”

Jack, “All right, I’m standing on the street corner, and Mrs. Grey there comes up and propositions me. She says if I come home with her, for $5 she’ll put on an exhibition with a Shetland pony . . . “ (The Enforcer)

JimmyB asks, “How many questions does Fox News have to ask Bill Clinton before his head explodes?

JimmyB, “Well, I’ll give him another twenty minutes; but that’s it!” (Airplane!)

RT asks, “Why do hockey players wear garter belts and stockings, yet no one calls them “funny” names?

RT, “Here’s a name for you nostalgia fans: Clarence “Screaming Buffalo” Swamptown. I’ll never forget an exclusive interview in which Swamptown revealed that he calls his hockey stick the ‘Big Tomahawk,’ and he usually refers to the opposing players as ‘the little scalps’.” (Slap Shot)

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