Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG
By Wyatt Earp | February 21, 2006
“Fight’s Commenced! Get to fightin’ or get away!” – Wyatt Earp, Tombstone
Jimmy B, The CUG, decided that he would blow the tide of Filthy Lies to my insignificant little blog. Well, let not anyone say that I don’t also blow. Jimmy is obviously distraught that I continually beat him like a rented mule in contests across the blogosphere. That is understandable, since I am truly “The Lord Of Teh Funny.”
Of course, I am also The Lord Of The Vengeful Retribution. And Jimmy is my prey. I now give you “Filthy Half-Truths About The CUG.”
1. Although he calls himself The Conservative UAW Guy, Jimmy is actually an ultra-liberal, pimply-faced sixteen-year old girl, who works as a cashier in a Columbus Wal-Mart.
2. Jimmy has naked photos of Steven Seagal . . . during his fat years.
3. Although he continually posts the picture on the blog, Jimmy’s family actually ate that dog months ago. His justification: the auto industry isn’t what it used to be.
4. And speaking of the auto industry, Jimmy was the one responsible for those damned “Zoom, Zoom” commercials. And that boy with the big ears? That’s Jimmy’s illegitimate child.
5. Jimmy enjoys a good comedy just as much as the next person. Schindler’s List? Jimmy laughed his ass off.
6. Considering his blind faith in the Republican Party, Jimmy has been elected the new spokesman for Kool-Aid. Ohhh Yeaaahhh!
7. Jimmy was the inspiration for Private Pyle of Stanley Kubrick’s Full Metal Jacket. It’s true; Jimmy can’t even do one push-up.
8. He’ll deny it, but Jimmy once called in a bomb threat to the Special Olympics.
9. Jimmy didn’t win any of the Best So Far Blog Awards, primarily because the butterfly ballots confused his puny Ohio brain. In actuality, Jimmy threw all of his votes to Pat Buchanan.
10. Despite his daily clumsy passes at Uber (and Dr. Phat Tony), Jimmy is happily married . . . to a Desert Eagle he affectionately calls, “Irene.”
Now, anybody else want some of this?
Topics: Uncategorized | 11 Comments »
February 21st, 2006 at 7:12 pm
While studying your planet for its inevitable conquest by my ravening hordes I discovered that JimmyB is actually AN ALIEN!
Apparently his real name is JIM-HE-BEE and he’s from the planet Cug-A-Lug and that’s located in a constellation known as Orion’s Athletic Supporter.
You learn something new everyday.
February 21st, 2006 at 8:18 pm
I have laughed my rearend off!! Great stuff!!! Loved it!!!
February 21st, 2006 at 9:29 pm
Varos – You make a lot of sense. I would like to suscribe to your newsletter.
Sssteve – Thanks, chief. he started it. I’m finishing it. Heh.
February 21st, 2006 at 9:44 pm
So, ummm, you blow? (BTW…funny stuff!)
February 21st, 2006 at 10:05 pm
RT – It was a Simpsons qoute (Diamond Joe Quimby).
February 21st, 2006 at 10:13 pm
Wow.
I am in awe of your total, uuhhhhhh…
awesomeness!!
Great stuff, Wyatt.
However, my surrender piece is already done and shall be posted in the morrow.
And never let it be said that I don’t think you blow!!
February 21st, 2006 at 11:58 pm
buwaaahahahhahahahh
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:44 am
No one blows quite like you Wyatt.
February 22nd, 2006 at 8:55 am
Wow! If I didn’t know better, I would say it’s time for the Olympics to end and the FHL (Fantasy Hockey League) to restart.
Wyatt seems to have a little back up of bitter saltiness usually reserved for friends and family. Just hold on one more week. (8th place is no place to be, by the way).
Note to Reader: That little diatribe was pleasant in comparison to a real “Burr-in-the-saddle” Wyatt.
February 22nd, 2006 at 9:37 am
My declarative document of surrender is up.
February 22nd, 2006 at 11:19 am
Jimmy enjoys a good comedy just as much as the next person. Schindler’s List? Jimmy laughed his ass off.
That’s hilarious!