Recent Posts

Recent Comments


Cop Land

« | Main | »

That Dog Won’t Hunt

By Wyatt Earp | October 13, 2005

It’s a dog-eat-dog world, and I’m wearing Milk-Bone underwear.” - Norm Peterson, Cheers

I have been miserable as of late, since the area has been in the clutches of incessant rain, and Philly hasn’t seen the sun in a week. As a result, I have had even less patience for the nonsense that comes with the badge in this town.

Last night didn’t help matters.

The platoon came out of roll call and immediately a priority job came over the air: “All cars stand by. In the *** District, 9455 ****** Road, Burglary in Progress, Apartment 2B, female complainant hears someone inside. The female is out front.”

Three units (including me) respond and rush to the scene with lights and sirens on a wet, slick road. Nice. We pull up to the apartment, and a teenage girl runs out to met us. We follow her inside and up the stairs, when the following exchange takes place:

Wyatt:What’s the problem?

Complainant:My dog died.”


Complainant:My dog died!

Wyatt:Is someone breaking into your apartment?


Wyatt:Then why did you call the police?

Complainant:I told you, my dog died, and I need you to get rid of it.”

When I calmly told the complainant that “dog disposal” was not in a police officer’s job description, she was dumbfounded. Then she asked what she was supposed to do with it. My backup, Gerry, said (deadpan), “Bury it.”

Now, I know everyone is expecting me to string a long list of expletives together after such an incident, but I just don’t have the energy. I will, however, offer up this little wisdom nugget:


Topics: True Police Stories | 15 Comments »

15 Responses to “That Dog Won’t Hunt”

  1. Pandy Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 9:24 am

    Good grief. Forget burying Fido- that girl ought to dig a hole and crawl in it herself.

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 9:39 am

    Pandy, er, Disco – I almost lost it. We raced over there for a dead dog??? Really almost lost it.

  3. fmragtops Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 9:47 am

    Hey, don’t feel like the lone ranger. I once responded to a complaint to get a spider out of a woman’s mobile home…I’m deathly afraid of spiders. I don’t know what kind of pepper sray y’all use, but I know that Freeze+P kills ants. So I skeetched the spider and told the woman to stay out of her bathroom for a few hours. My Lt. lost it with the dispatcher that sent me on that complaint.

  4. Insolublog Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 10:44 am

    Wyatt – You could have told that Clinton voter that you would take care of it. Then you quietly sneak the body into the trunk of her car.

    fmragtops – Insol’s recommendation: Kill the spider with a generous helping of Great Stuff polyurethane foam. I guarantee that woman will never call you for insect extermination again.

  5. Steve Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 11:43 am

    You should have shot her and buried them both in the backyard, for her stupidity.

  6. SK Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 4:27 pm

    Calling 911 is ridiculous but I kinda see the flip side of this one:) My 130 lb Great Dane died at 2AM and we were told that nobody would come for 8 10 hours but we could take the body to a clinic. She was in the middle of my den, so other half wrapped her in a blanket and carried her out to the trunk of the car. I had been out of commission with a severe ailment and none of the neighbors had seen me in a loooong time. So, at 3 AM I had to go out and wave to those some who were watching out their windows, just to avoid his arrest:) Such a knight in tarnished armor!

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 5:43 pm

    Fmragtops – I am the same with spiders, and I would have really lost it if it were to kill a spider!!!

    Insol – And I could have put any of the dog’s papers in my pants and tried to smuggle them outta there.

    Steve – Nah, too much paperwork.

    SK – Don’t get me wrong, I love dogs, but this thing looked like a poodle (and probably weighed about ten pounds). She coulda picked up with hot dog tongs!!! But it’s not my responsibility . . . AND she should have never told the dispatcher that there was a burglary to get us there faster.

    BTW, the sole reason Casa de Wyatt doesn’t have a dog is because I don’t wanna take care of its (eventual) corpse.

  8. Indigoview Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 5:44 pm

    I had a hysterical woman call 911 today.. Seems her friend got stuck up in a tree while trying to retrieve her cat from said tree. *Note to the general public..cats ALWAYS find their way out of the tree…when was the last time you seen a cat skeleton in a tree????

  9. SK Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 5:58 pm

    Awwwww hell. I’m gonna be laughing about the cat skeleton remark all night:) I do agree with everything you said Wyatt, but hot dog tongs? LOL

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 6:02 pm

    Indigo – See, you guys need to edit those calls before they get to me, sweetie!!!

    Steve – What??? Not sensitive enough???

  11. Insolublog Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 7:43 pm

    I know Wyatt, but papers just aren’t the type of gift that keep on giving, specifically in a sun-baked automobile.

    When you get that second 911 call, that’s when you tell her to screw.

  12. linda Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 8:22 pm

    I feel like an oddball–I held my animals when they died and took care of their disposal because I loved them!

  13. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 8:36 pm

    Lin – In this country anymore, you would be the oddball. No one wants to take personal responsibility anymore. We’re all doomed.

  14. GunnNutt Says:
    October 13th, 2005 at 10:02 pm

    That reminds me of a 911 call that made the news around here. A woman called and said her daughter was out of control. She would not listen and the mother just couldn’t take it anymore. The operator asked “What do you want the police to do? Come over and shoot her?”

    I thought that was funny as hell! The woman, naturally, is suing his butt. Why do these people procreate?

  15. Insolublog Says:
    October 14th, 2005 at 9:44 am

    Since they have replaced civics with transgender studies in school, nobody knows what each tentacle of the government does anymore. Since people have no personal responsibility or authority anymore they say:

    I need someone in authority do do something here!

    What’s the first thing they think of? The police.

    Wyatt may be right. We are doomed.