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Signs Of The Apocalypse

By Wyatt Earp | August 15, 2005

1. Demi Moore and her no-talent boy-toy Ashton Kutcher are planning to have a baby.

While she and Kutcher, 27, would like to “expand our family” – there have been tabloid reports that Moore was pregnant – there are no plans for marriage. “I feel that we are and that we don’t need something formal, so to do so isn’t a big deal one way or another,” she tells the magazine.

After I read this story (which appears in Harper’s Bazaar – or in this case, Bizarre) I threw up in my mouth a little. If there is any justice, someone will post a sign outside their bedroom during their “trials,” which reads: “Warning: Shallow Gene Pool – No Lifeguard On Duty.”

2. Czechs and Russians bicker over player compensations at 2006 Olympics.

The Czech and Russian hockey federations refused to sign the proposed player transfer agreement between the NHL and the sport’s world governing body as Monday’s deadline passed, leaving unsettled the NHL’s participation in next year’s Turin Olympics.

Great. Now who the hell am I gonna root for?

3. Christie Brinkley returns as CoverGirl.

. . . Brinkley is now 51 and she’s pitching a line called Advanced Radiance, makeup intended for women 30 and older.

51??? What magazine is she going to shoot the cover for, AARP Weekly?

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