By Wyatt Earp | July 27, 2005
I have to be honest; I’m dreading going into work tonight. Why? Because it’s my turn to work the dreaded wagon. (Or, “paddy” wagon if you prefer.) The wagon sucks because, a) I have to work with a partner, b) it gets all the crummy jobs, such as transporting prisoners and dead guys, and c) I have to work with a partner. I don’t work well with others, and I don’t do the partner thing. At least, not anymore.
My sergeant, in his infinite wisdom, recently decided to put every officer in the platoon on “the wheel.” Meaning, that everyone would get their turn, whether they like it or not. Of course, in every other district, if no one volunteers for the wagon, the two cops with the least amount of time get stuck with it. I worked it for two years in my first district, and worked it steady for a total of two years in my current assignment. I didn’t like it when I first got on the job, but I realized that (being the low man on the totem pole) I had to suck it up.
Eleven years later, the department has changed, and not necessarily for the better. My sergeant believes that “the wheel” is a fair system, because everyone gets it. I think “the wheel” is ridiculous, because instead of pissing off two cops, he’s pissing off twenty-five. No offense, but I paid my dues; and I don’t think someone with as much time on the job as I have should get the wagon . . . ever. But that’s just me.
So, as a tribute to my upcoming eight hours of misery, I present you with SYLG’s first Top Ten list:
Top Ten Things I Would Prefer To Working The Wagon
10. Wear porcupine underpants.
9. Join the Democratic Party.
8. Attend a Ben Affleck/Jennifer Lopez film festival.
7. Convert to Scientology.
6. Make out with Teresa Heinz-Kerry.
5. Move to France.
4. Root for Penn State football. (Bleecch!)
3. Let Allen Iverson raise my kids.
2. Ask the Eagles to give Terrell Owens a new, bigger contract.
1. Have unprotected sex with Paris Hilton.