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Oh, God Kill Me Now

By Wyatt Earp | July 28, 2005

Last night was my turn on the wagon. (UGH!) And oh, the fun we had! I should have seen it coming:

Scary Omen #1: A brutal thunderstorm knocked out power through much of my district, causing traffic mayhem. Thus, many of the solo cars were on traffic posts for the tour.

Scary Omen #2: The district adjacent to mine decided they weren’t going to run their wagon last night, leaving me and my partner the only one in the division. Therefore, if there were any prisoner runs, guess who got them?

Scary Omen #3: Both my partner and I were exhausted before roll call, and weren’t looking forward to running our tushies off.

Roll Call, 11:00pm – The supervisor notifies us of our delightful assignment: the wagon. Our first job out of the gate is to go to the hospital and babysit a 17-year old punk prisoner. Oh, here we go.

Hospital, 11:30pm – We arrive at the hospital to find that the prisoner isn’t even ours; the jackass was arrested in the district that isn’t running their wagon. The doctor meets us and says, “You guys will be here for a few hours . . . at least.” Swell.

Hospital, 11:30pm to 2:30am – Adventures in babysitting. The juvenile screams at us, curses at the doctors and nurses (especially “Sandy,” who’s a really cute redhead, but I digress), and generally gives everyone a hard time. We finally move the kid into a private room with a glass sliding door, if only to drown out his bitching. In the meantime, mommy shows up, and junior starts crying like a baby because “the cops are treating him poorly.” Oh, brother!

Wagon, 2:30am – Junior is released, and we find out that he (allegedly) tried to carjack someone. Said someone then beat junior senseless and held him until the police arrived. Dope. junior demands that we uncuff him, and we refuse. He starts the curse storm again, and we politely remind him he was just crying like a bitch in front of his mommy. Junior behaves.

Wagon, 4:00am – After a much-needed break, the neighboring district locks up a DUI. Since they have no wagon, guess who they call. We pick up the drunk who, of course, is acting like an idiot, and transport him downtown.

Wagon, 5:00am – We leave Police HQ just in time for the neighboring lieutenant to call us and tell us to pick up three more prisoners at the divisional HQ. We groan, but comply.

Divisional HQ – 5:30am – We pick up the three prisoners, but instead of taking them to the nearby prison, we are told to take them back to Police HQ! I interject, “You gotta be f**king kidding me. We just came from there!” We load up the truck and move to Beverly, er, Police HQ.

Police HQ, 6:00am – Arrival at Police HQ is terrific in daylight. You can really notice the dirt. We drop off the very attractive jailbirds (*gag*) and head for home. Thankfully, our tour ends in a half hour.

District, 6:55am – It’s almost time to report off, when the neighboring lieutenant is at it again. He asks our sergeant, “What’s the wagon’s status?” Are you kidding me? We go home in twenty minutes!!! To his credit, our sergeant says we are enroute back from Police HQ. The lt is satisfied, and our day officially ends.

Home, 7:30am – I cheat on Atkins for the morning, and stop to get a twenty-ounce Coca-Cola. I need stress relief, and drinking beer at 8am isn’t for me.

God, I hate the wagon!

P.S.Sorry about the rambling, but I needed to vent.

Topics: True Police Stories | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “Oh, God Kill Me Now”

  1. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 1:12 pm

    Actually that was a pretty funny post. I like the wagon adventures.

  2. Peakah Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 1:40 pm

    I thought you were talking about a wagon I routinely fall off of but your wagon sounds like more fun…

    Naaaa… not really.

    Thanks for the ridealong tho brah.

  3. Steve Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 3:42 pm

    Yeah, I agree with Doc. If you have to suffer a night on the wagon to get funny posts like this So be it. Come on take one for the team.

    It’s not like you are putting your life in danger by playing football.

    Seriously though keep up the good work and stay safe

  4. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 5:49 pm

    Thanks, guys. I have calmed down a bit from this morning. And Steve, you’re right, at least I’m not risking my life in the NHL. (Whew!)

  5. Kate Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 9:16 pm

    May God, it sounds like you had the night from hell!

    You won’t be mad that I LMAO, will ya? It was a VERY funny post!

  6. Wyatt Earp Says:
    July 28th, 2005 at 9:40 pm

    Kate – Mad at you??? Never. I’m glad everyone had a laugh at my misery :)