The Funniest Craigslist Entry Of All Time
By Wyatt Earp | December 16, 2008
This was obviously written by a brother in blue from the NYPD – the only people on earth snarkier and funnier than the Philly PD. It is chock full of “sentence enhancers,” so if you’re weak of heart, please ignore the rest of the post. I can not in good conscience edit this thing of beauty for bad language.
That being said, sentence enhancers or not, this is the funniest thing you’ll read all week. Guaranteed.
Tips For Clueless People Who Get Mugged
So you’ve just moved into a new “gentrifying” neighborhood that’s full of urban culture, cheap(er) rents, and wonderful friendly people. An odd lack of organic food stores and greenmarkets, but you can’t have everything. So one day you’re doing something FUCKING RETARDED like walking back from the store alone at 1am, or walking home from the subway while texting your sorority sisters back in the fucking Midwest or something, while SIMULTANEOUSLY listening to an iPod with the bright white headphones and you get fucking mugged. Congrats, YOU’RE A FUCKING DUMBASS.
No, it’s not 1990, when men were men, crackheads would fucking cut you and the robbery rate was about a billion times higher than it is now, but it’s still New York and you were still fucking dumb enough to think that paying $1,200 for a studio in a shitty neighborhood is somehow hipper than moving to fucking Queens.
Anyway, here’s some helpful tips for the next time someone jacks your shit.
1) Pay attention. Granted, you weren’t paying attention to start with or you wouldn’t have gotten mugged, but now that you’ve been hit from behind / had a gun shoved in your face, pay attention.
2) Follow directions. Give the friendly mugger what he wants. Don’t talk back or fight. In all likelihood, you’re a pussy hipster retard, and are, by NYC law, unarmed.
3) You’ve been paying attention right? Remember some simple things in this order: sex, clothing color, clothing type, head wear, and direction of flight.
4) Congratulations! You’ve just been robbed and you’re still alive. What now? Well, don’t go back to your apartment and call the cops thirty minutes later. Don’t call your mom in Kansas and tell her first. CALL THE COPS AS FAST AS POSSIBLE. You’d be amazed at how many people fuck up this simple step. Pay phones still exist, as do 24/7 bogies. Go there, call the cops. (H/T – Dan Rubin)
You can read the rest of this fabulous hilarity HERE. It’s definitely worth your time.
Topics: Snarkasm, The Job | 10 Comments »
December 16th, 2008 at 5:33 pm
Now that is a very truthfull article ,funny to see it on craiglist but is is New York . Thanks for the post!! george
December 16th, 2008 at 5:56 pm
It makes a lot of sense to me.
December 16th, 2008 at 8:01 pm
Don’t be stupid, pay attention, call the cops, and don’t be a d*ck.
Best line, because you know there are people that even in a time of need, are nasty to cops.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:00 pm
Yeah that’s a gem.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:24 pm
Yeah, that’s a thing of beauty. I could almost hear the New York accent as I was reading it.
December 16th, 2008 at 10:27 pm
[...] And Now for Something Completely Different Check out this post at Support Your Local Gunfighter for even more Law Enforcement Humor! [...]
December 16th, 2008 at 10:52 pm
George – Damned funny, even for NYC.
Momster – You’d be surprised at how many people make the mistakes that are listed there.
RT – If I had a dollar for every time a victim was a d*ck . . .
Captain – It is brilliant in its way.
JumpOut – Yeah, it’s kickass.
December 17th, 2008 at 5:49 am
God, I think I am in love with the man who wrote this!
December 17th, 2008 at 1:35 pm
Hahaha……most of us out here in LA feel the same way……
I remember an article that was printed MANY years ago titled ‘Why cops hate you’ that had many of the same points/gripes……things never change it seems…..
We could probably find a cop from the 1920s who would say some of the same things…..
December 18th, 2008 at 3:58 pm
I was in Philidelphia a number of years ago and there were these 2 cops – 6ft 6″ tall if they were an inch. Both with massive sidearms. I felt really safe. Mind you, I was not mugging anyone at the time.