Category Archives: The Job

ATF: 559 Lbs Of Explosives Stolen

US Forest ServiceThe ATF states 559 pounds of explosives were stolen from a U.S. Forest Service near Red Lodge, Montana.

What could go wrong?

The federal Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives said Wednesday that it is offering a $5,000 reward for information leading to the arrest of those responsible for stealing 559 pounds of explosives last month near Red Lodge.

The theft happened sometime in April when thieves broke into a U.S. Forest Service storage bunker about two miles south of Red Lodge, said Brad Beyersdorf, an ATF spokesman. Items stolen included emulsion-type explosives, explosive cast boosters and detonating cord.

I’m sure there is no need for alarm. It’s probably just some punk kids just preparing for a kickass Independence Day. /snark

The FBI Is Apparently A Gated Community

FBI Agent Struggles Over FenceOne of the benefits of police work is you have plenty of opportunities to look cool while you work. Kicking in doors, chasing felons, or just standing there wearing sunglasses; definitely cool.

Of course, sometimes those opportunities backfire: big time.

A blood-pumping raid by the FBI on a New Jersey home turned into the butt of hundreds of online jokes when an agent’s dramatic climb over a gate proved far more embarrassing than necessary.

As seen on local news coverage the man struggled to hop over the gate, only for the gate to be easily and instantly flung open by the other agents behind him. Those entering behind him appeared to have been waiting for him to finish the entire time.

If the other agents are like the guys I work with, they didn’t start laughing until the guy was crotch-deep in the gate.

An Arrest Record Miles Long

Shermain Miles

When it comes to arrests, Shermain Miles is the sausage king of Chicago.

Since 1978, Chicago Police alone have arrested Miles 396 times, mostly on the North Side — under at least 83 different aliases. Those arrests include 92 for theft, 65 for disorderly conduct, 59 for prostitution-related crimes and five for robbery or attempted robbery.

The frustrating truth: The system — strapped by overcrowded prisons and cuts to mental health funding — hasn’t been able to save Miles from herself or to help the communities she menaces. Nothing has worked. Not jail. Not prison. Not countless psychological exams for the woman described as being “acutely psychotic.”

Miles is a master at working the system, says Rolon. She fakes seizures that mean costly hospital visits. She gets judges to delay her cases. And then she returns to the streets to be arrested again and again — so many times that she ranks in the top 1 percent for all current CPD arrestees.

These shenanigans will continue unabated until she hits arrest #400. She will then be awarded a laurel and hearty handshake… before being thrown into the Chicago River.

Selling Someone A Bilal Of Goods

Rochelle Bilal

Meet Rochelle Bilal; a recently-retired Philly cop who thinks the rules don’t apply to her.

ROCHELLE BILAL, the Philadelphia police officer who championed the rights of her black colleagues as Guardian Civic League president, has been quietly working a side job in violation of city police rules.

Police Commissioner Charles H. Ramsey immediately called the police Internal Affairs Bureau and ordered an investigation. The Philadelphia Police Department prohibits outside employment “for any other department or political subdivision of any municipal, state or federal agency . . . [except] a military reserve unit.”

Bilal claimed she didn’t know the outside employment was a policy violation. A 27-year veteran. And she didn’t know. Riiiiight.

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Man Calls In Bomb Threat To Hollywood Hooters

HollywoodHootersYou son of a bitch!

Look, if you want to bomb a tofu restaurant or a Khlav Kalash stand, be my guest. But I’ll be damned if I’m going to let you threaten a fine, family eatery that serves good food and great boobies!

A stretch of Hollywood Boulevard is shut down after a man notified the Los Angeles Police Department that he had brought a lunch box containing a bomb inside the Hooters restaurant located across from the Chinese Theatre. The call was received around 4:45 p.m. PT, though it is not clear whether the suspect remains inside the restaurant.

“He indicated he went into the restaurant and said he had a lunch pail, and in there was a bomb,” a spokesperson for the LAPD tells The Hollywood Reporter. “He left that behind and from there, everybody scrambled and called the police.”

Businesses in the area have since been evacuated.

This guy needs to choke to death of a Buffalo wing from one of those lesser, boob-less establishments… like Applebee’s.

A Note About Boston, And The Job

Rescue workers remove a woman injured in an explosion in Boston, near Monday

The penultimate photo of the Boston terror attacks – for me – was this one, snapped by John Tlumacki of the Boston Globe. It’s a sight I’ve seen hundreds of times in 18+ years as a police officer. Cops rushing toward the chaos instead of away from it. LDIV mentioned this in Monday’s post on the attacks, and it got me thinking. What kind of lunatic does something like this?

We do. The first responders.

The bravery (or, stupidity, if you will) of running toward gunfire or into a burning building is not a natural response. For most of us, it has to be learned. Then it becomes ingrained. Eventually, it becomes instinctual.

I’ve run toward gunfire more often than I can remember. I’ve pulled people out of wrecked vehicles, and once ran into a burning building (admittedly, a very stupid act) because a witness told me there was an elderly man on the first floor. These actions don’t make me brave. They don’t make me a hero. They make me just another ordinary guy who is pretty good at his job.

When those bombs went off, these Boston cops didn’t think, “Okay, it’s hero time.” They thought, “It’s time to go to work.” They (alongside firefighters, paramedics, some soldiers, and a few remarkable citizens) sacrificed their safety to help others.

You don’t do it for fame, or the adrenaline rush. You certainly don’t do it for the money. You do it because that’s the job. You respond, you help, and you make you go home at the end of the day.

Oh, Oh, Oh, Jaime’s Cryin’

jaime-pressly-estella-warren-fight

Model/actress Estella Warren is accused of stealing the phone of actress/model Jaime Pressly’s assistant. Someone call Norman Lear; I smell a sitcom!

The pair had been at a home nearby celebrating the birthday of Jaime’s publicist Gary Mantoosh. Estella, 34, was a guest of the photographer and things seemed to be going well for the bunch. But the event went sour when Jamie’s assistant’s purse – and her iPhone – went missing.

Jaime used an app to track it down and found that it was at the Sunset Boulevard hotspot. When they arrived, Jaime spotted Estella handling an iPhone and accused her of making off with her assistant’s goods. The My Name is Earl actress grabbed the smartphone and the battle ensued.

Pressly had a reason to fight for the purse; the remnants of her career was in there!

Redefining The Term “Shot And A Beer”

Crazy Horse Cabaret TooJust because you’re a professional doesn’t mean you can’t become distracted by boobies and liquor.

According to police reports and witnesses, an off-duty Gonzales Police Officer was at a strip club in Gonzales, LA on March 13, 2013. The police report states the officer, Chase Delatte, walked into the men’s restroom around 1:38 a.m. to check if his personal firearm in an ankle holster was loaded. The Glock handgun accidentally fired, according to the report.

Premature discharge. That’s a common occurrence in strip clubs… or so I hear.

The sheriff’s report says Delatte walked out of the men’s restroom after the gun fired, walked to his table, paid his tab and left. The report also says the surveillance video shows the same.

Wait… strip clubs have surveillance videos. *crap* Uh… I gotta go check on something!

We Gonna Rock Down To Electric Avenue

Anti-Rape UnderwearA team of Indian engineering students has invented anti-rape underwear. The results have been electrifying.

All snark aside, this may be the greatest thing for women since the invention of chocolate.

Anti-rape underwear which delivers a 3,800 kilovolt shock to any would-be attacker has been created by a team of Indian engineering students.

After disabling the assailant, the undergarment has been designed to automatically send a text message to police or family members containing the GPS location of the attempted crime.

Pressure sensors on the garment, sewn in around the bust area, detect unwanted force and trigger the powerful shock. It can deliver up to 82 electric shocks, more than enough to disable any attacker.

Note to American wives: Just because you have a headache doesn’t necessarily mean you need to turn up the voltage.

I’ve Ordered And I Can’t Get Up

Elizabeth NiemiMeet Elizabeth Niemi.

As you can plainly see, Elizabeth really enjoys her food. So you wouldn’t expect someone as, um, rotund as her to have difficulty ordering take out.

Apparently, Elizabeth believes that particular talent is an ancient Chinese secret.

A Hooksett, New Hampshire woman was arrested for allegedly calling 911 because she wanted help ordering Chinese food.

Police say 57-year-old Elizabeth Niemi called 911 to get medical help on March 15th. When the fire department arrived, they learned that she really just wanted help ordering food.

The police department investigated, got a warrant, and arrested Niemi almost two weeks later. She was charged with Misuse of Emergency-911.

Ironically, Niemi had the urge to call 911 again an hour later.