Category Archives: The Job

Man Kills Three At Kansas Jewish Centers

Jewish Community Campus Kansas

Not to worry, folks; I’m sure it’s all just a co-inky-dink.

Three people are dead in a pair of shootings at a Jewish community center and retirement community in Overland Park, Kansas, police said.

Two people were killed in the town’s Jewish Community Center, Sean Reilly of Overland Park Police said. Another person was killed at a second location, he said, but he did not disclose where. ABC News affiliate KMBC-TV in Kansas City reported that police said the third person was killed at Village Shalom, which is nearby.

Police have a person of interest in custody but would not confirm motive or whether the attack was being considered a hate crime.

Way to bring your A game, MSM. If a Jewish man shot and killed three African-American’s outside an African-American center, you can be damned sure they would classify this as a hate crime. In this incident, the victims were The Jooooos, so nothing to see here. Idiots.

Remember To Spray Or Neuter Your Pet

Dustin Lee BellMeet Dustin Lee Bell of Oklahoma. Dustin is a fair-skinned lad, and is probably – like me – a good candidate for skin cancer. So how do you get that savage tan if you can’t worship the sun god?

A Bixby, Okla., man is in jail after he allegedly impersonated a police officer and demanded a discount on spray tan. Dustin Lee Bell, 25, is accused of stealing a Sand Springs officer’s badge, which he then allegedly donned hoping for a discount at a local tanning salon.

“The tanning salon manager said in a statement to police that the dispute began when Bell, who was wearing the badge visible on the outside of his sweater, demanded he only be charged $10 for a $34 spray tan.”

The manager stepped away to call authorities and noticed there was a bottle of spray tan missing when he returned.

Nice. Orange you glad he isn’t a real police officer?

Wanky Doodle Dandy

David James Corpus ChristiMeet David James of Corpus Christi, Texas. David likes cops; so much so, he spent most of his life being arrested by them.

As a token of his appreciation, David decided to personally thank a female officer this week.

A 29-year-old man is jailed on charges he exposed himself to a female Corpus Christi police officer Tuesday afternoon. The officer was loading up her cruiser at the main police department building in downtown when a man came up to her.

She noticed the man had his pants open and he was fondling himself. The officer called for assistance from coworkers to get the man in custody. David James was arrested [and] charged with indecent exposure. (H/T – 911)

In fairness, I’d have to see a picture of the officer before I determined this man’s fate. I mean, if she’s really hot, this might be a case of justifiable diddling.

Oh, by the way; nice Hitler mustache, Dave. I’ll bet it drives the women wild.

Burglar Gets His Feathers Rustled

Daffy Duck ShotMassachusetts police took time off from eating donuts and stalking ex-girlfriends to catch a master thief this week.

A North Reading woman called police Saturday from her upstairs bedroom to report that she heard loud banging noises downstairs and feared someone had broken into her home.

Officers who responded found no sign of a break-in. But during a quick search of the home, police found a soot-covered wood duck.

The duck was sentenced to one hour at 300 degrees.

She Takes A Licking And Keeps On Ticking

Christina LafaveMeet Christina Lafave. Christina is a nuclear physicist by day, and dabbles in the ancient art of erotic massage by night. On weekends, she earns extra money as a watch cozy.

A Las Vegas woman hired to give a man a $300 massage allegedly snatched his $35,000 Rolex and concealed it in her vagina. Christina Lafave, 25, is accused of stealing a watch belonging to Kenneth Herold on January 15 while giving him a massage at his room in the Wynn Las Vegas Hotel.

Herold’s room was thoroughly searched, but the watch could not be found. Lafave eventually admitted she hid the watch in her vagina. Officials got a search warrant and took Lafave to a local hospital. An x-ray revealed that the watch was indeed in her vagina. Medical staff removed the Rolex while an officer witnessed the exam.

Wow, I’ve had some terrible assignments in patrol, but I never had to witness a watch-ectomy. Yeah, that’s all I got. Nothing I write will be funnier than the comments at the link.

Yoga Fan Perfects The Spanking Monkey Pose

The Simpsons Crazy Old ManThere are people in work, mostly women, who tell me I need to start practicing yoga. Being a rabidly heterosexual man, I declined, mostly because I think men who do yoga are a bit… off.

Bill Kachle, 68, was arrested last month after Jared Tyng, a United States Park Police officer, responded to a complaint about a “disorderly male subject” along the Mount Vernon Trail in northern Virginia.

Two female witnesses pointed Tyng in the direction of Kachle, a Washington, D.C. resident who was “holding a yoga pose” nearby. The women said that they were walking along a bike trail when Kachle–who was waving his arms and “shouting odd statements”–dropped his pants and began masturbating.

“Thereafter, the subject then picked up a dead animal, ran into the northbound lanes of travel on the George Washington Memorial Parkway and threw the dead animal at a passing car,” according to a U.S. District Court complaint.

So the question remains, was the dead animal involved with the pleasuring?

Dead Over Heels

Bloody Stiletto

A Texas woman is on trial for punctuating an argument by puncturing her boyfriend in the face with a stiletto heel.

A prosecutor has told jurors that a Houston woman stabbed her already injured boyfriend to death by sitting on him and striking him in the face at least 25 times with her stiletto heel.

Ana Trujillo is charged with murder in the death of 59-year-old Alf Stefan Andersson as the two argued at his condominium last June. Trujillo’s attorney, John Carroll, told jurors that Andersson had repeatedly abused his client, and that on the night of the slaying she had used the shoe to defend herself from another of his attacks. (H/T – Robert B.)

Do you think Andersson got the point? Shoe betcha!

Trenton Man Really Enjoys Recycling

Jermaine Jones

Meet Jermaine Jones. Jermaine is trying to watch his weight, so he eats nothing but fruits, vegetables, and glass.

Police on Tuesday arrested a Trenton man who was allegedly naked and chewing on glass as he rode a tricycle through an Ocean County apartment complex.

Investigators said an officer with the Lakewood Police Department around 6:30 p.m. responded to the Crossroads Manor apartments for a report of a naked man riding a tricycle. There, the officer encountered 31-year-old Jermaine Jones, who was allegedly hiding under a stairwell.

Okay, I have many questions here, but I’ll only ask one: How is a grown man riding a tricycle without getting his twig and berries caught in the handlebars?

Auto Focus

Cheetah Girls

Two dozen “dancers” at a San Diego strip club are suing the SDPD, claiming officers took photos of them and their tattoos. They claim they were uncomfortable with officers taking revealing photos. Strippers… were uncomfortable… with revealing photos.

25 exotic dancers at a strip club in San Diego are filing a claim against police officers they say forced them to stay at the strip club against their will so they could take revealing pictures of them and their tattoos.

Ten officers on the San Diego police force raided the Cheetah’s Gentleman’s Club in Kearny Mesa on March 6 to “check dancers permits” said the dancer’s lawyer Dan Gilleon. The claim says that during the check, 10 officers whose identities were not released, held dancers against their will for an hour without a proper warrant.

The dancers say that the officers told them to pose in different positions so that they could “photograph their tattoos.”

Now before you chime in with your wiseass comments – lookin’ right at you, Mollie – this is a legitimate procedure. Tattoos are photographed for identification purposes in case they end up dead – lookin’ right at you Dr. Evil.

Of course, the photos are usually taken inside a police facility, but hey, sometimes we police officers have to go above and beyond the call of booby duty.

Georgia Man Has A Peach Of A Defense

Darrious Mathis

A Georgia man is giving a unique defense during his rape trial. He claims he’s far too attractive to be a rapist. Dude.

A man charged with kidnapping, robbing and sexually assaulting a woman has claimed it couldn’t have been rape… because he is so handsome.

Darrious Mathis had managed to persuade a member of a jury in Marietta, Georgia, that his alleged victim must have consented to sex with him on account of his good looks. His claim resulted in an 11-1 hung jury after nearly four days of deliberation back in September, forcing the judge to declare a mistrial.

Wow. There’s an old line in law enforcement circles: juries are comprised of people who are too stupid to get out of jury duty. Obviously, that’s not always the case, but it certainly seems to be true in this story.