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Mr. Mom Is On The Case

By Wyatt Earp | October 23, 2010

What could possibly go wrong?

By the time you read this, I will already be taken hostage by these two children.

I have a rare weekend off, and since I spent last weekend up north on business, the missus is now taking a trip. She is is driving to her friend’s house in Maryland with Kyle and Erik for two days of funtastic shenanigans. I will be manning the fort with the little ones. Alone. With no help.

I expect to last about fifteen minutes.

I mean, how dare she make me take care of my own kids? The nerve of that woman! Okay, I’m kidding of course, but this is the first time we split the family. The missus’ friend doesn’t have enough room for all of us, so I get the babies for two days. I told the wife that it would be no sweat – as long as she writes out every single direction for every possible contingency.

You see, I’m not a very good Dad.

Most of the time, I handle Kyle and Erik while she handles the babies. Being a stay-at-home Mom, she has more experience with them than I do, since I am usually working, in court, or taking the older kids to soccer/hockey/lacrosse. As a result, I don’t know jack about the little ones. I know the basics, obviously, but the specifics are lost on me. For example, I am never home (and/or awake) during their breakfast – which for the babies is about 6am. Who even knew there was a 6am? So, when I ask the missus what they eat in the morning, she glares at me. Yeah, I should know, but I don’t. It’s not a lack of interest, it’s just a lack of knowledge on my part.

Similarly, Julia does not sleep through the night. Still. She will be two in a little over a month and she still has issues. When she wakes up, she cannot put herself back to sleep. Next thing you know, she’s in our bed, because if she screams, she’ll wake Kevin. My problem is that I can sleep through a nuclear war. I’m afraid that if she wakes up late tonight, I won’t hear her. Or worse, if she wakes up, and I take her into bed, I won’t be able to sleep because I’ll be so worried that she’ll fall off the bed.

You see, the wife does this now and again to make sure I appreciate what she does around the Earp Ranch. I do, obviously, but I probably don’t acknowledge it like I should. When we split them off in twos, we’re usually okay. But let’s face it; raising four kids is hard work. Like you-have-no-idea how hard. It is especially hard for a piss-poor father that can’t remember to lock the front door at night, let alone remember what everyone eats, and when. To say this will be a test for me is an understatement.

Luckily, I can fall back on my police training. If they give me grief, I break out the cuffs and the OC spray. Barring that, I plan to do things with them throughout the weekend and bribe them with cookies when the need arises. Wish me luck.

Topics: The Boys, The Girl | 20 Comments »

20 Responses to “Mr. Mom Is On The Case”

  1. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 1:12 pm

    I don’t buy into the stereotypical “men are just paychecks and occasional babysitters”. I believe that all men are perfectly capable of nurturing their own children.

    At some point this weekend, Julia will deep condition her hair with a jar of Smucker’s, and Kevin will empty out all of the kitchen cabinets he has access to. I’ll let you in on a little secret- they do this when they’re on our watch too, we just neglect to mention it to you. You’ll do just fine.

    * unplugs phone, shuts down computer *

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    Mrs. Crankipants – You are pure evil.

    Kevin is already regaling me with his new word. “Dammit.” He has been shouting it all morning. Only one person in this house uses that as her go-to swear, and it’s not me. Now if he were dropping F-bombs . . .

  3. GroovyVic Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 1:26 pm

    I agree with Mrs. C…you’ll be fine.

    Have a slumber party in the living room tonight, dammit!

  4. RT Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 1:35 pm

    I know you enjoy your kids greatly. :) Have fun, don’t sweat it, and they will be fine. I think you need to be more worried about them using the cuffs and OC spray on you.

  5. ThomasF Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 1:47 pm

    Let them both sleep in your bed, it is only for two nights right…….

    And remember the magic word is Benadryl…….

    And if she falls out of bed remember it’s a learning experience….

    I was in a Home Depot a few years back and dad had all of the little ones in tow, all laughs and gigggles, I noticed that one of his sweeties was missing her two front teeth, I started to sing the “All I want for Christmas…..”

    When stops me and recounts to the tale of his sweet little darling bouncing on the bed, flipping over backwards and then popping up missing her two front teeth…… which she ever so conveniently left stuck in the side-rails of the bed….. um never mind stick with the cuffs and benadryl….

  6. Kim Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 2:14 pm

    You will be fine. Put helmets on the children before putting them in bed with you.

    Hannah is 3 and guess where she slept last night?

    And how can Julia be 2 in a month? She’s only supposed to be a few months old!

    Time is go by way to fast.

    If I lived closer, I’d be over there with a camera recording your week-end. Purely for blackmail purposes, naturally! :)

  7. Ferrell Gummitt Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 4:50 pm

    I Just hope they don’t smash in your testicles again….

  8. ArkieRN Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 5:21 pm

    Treat them like puppies. Play hard with them to wear them out (they’ll chase a ball like puppies). They’ll be so tired that they’ll drop into a hard sleep. Just make sure not to skip naps = serious crankiness!

  9. JT Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 6:39 pm

    Good luck , Wyatt.

  10. piperfromtn Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 9:45 pm

    I was a single father of four little ones, (one autistic), for nearly four years before remarrying. I had primary custody (all the time) and it was probably one of the most demanding times of my life. But now they are teens, one is a sophomore in college and one is getting ready to graduate, the one with autism, with a regular degree.

    It’s easy to feel perpetually guilty but I believe everyone can tell by reading this blog, that your family is your life.

    I think all of us have forgotten to lock the door at night or setting the tannerite charge on the trip-wire, hell, it’s demanding after all!

  11. Rick Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 10:14 pm

    It can be The Best of times and the Worst of Times.But I would not trade it for a million dollars.You will be fine.PS I will say a prayer for you and the children. Also a night stick works great.Just kidding.I love my girls.

  12. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 23rd, 2010 at 11:10 pm

    GroovyVic – I got them to bed by 7:30 with not too many problems. De-stressed for an hour and came down to the basement to post for tomorrow. After I reply to the comments here, I’m going to bed. I’m exhausted!

    RT – Julia was looking at my lacrosse stick earlier . . .

    ThomasF – Julia will eventually be with me tonight. Hopefully, Kevin will sleep through. He wants to jump in our bed, not sleep.

    Kim – Naturally! Julia will be 2 on December 3rd. Kevin will be 3 on Valentine’s Day.

    Ferrell – No chance. I wear a cup around Kevin now.

    ArkieRN – They refused to go for a walk with me after dinner, but we played soccer for a little bit and they took turns on the sliding board. Hopefully, that will be enough.

    JT – I’ll need it. Julia wakes up at 5am.

    Piper – God bless you, man! I couldn’t do this by myself all the time. No freakin’ way.

    Rick – Julia was clingy tonight. Kevin was bouncing off the walls. Could have been worse, I guess. The missus doesn’t get home until 7-8pm tomorrow, so I have another day to get through.

  13. ed Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 8:32 am

    Heh. When I try to imagine your parenting style, the thing that comes to mind is everyone’s beloved Coach Patches O’houlihan.

    Or, to paraphrase our Lord and Savior, “If you give a kid a Happy Meal, he eats for a day. If you give him a can opener, he eats for the rest of his life. Or until Mom comes home. Whichever comes first.”

  14. Bitter Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 12:14 pm

    At least you know the basics. I agreed to fly to Nashville to babysit my nephew & niece after the elections while my brother & his wife are out of town. After the ticket was bought, I realized that I don’t even know how to change a diaper. And my niece is still in them. Crap. Literally.

    It’s not that i’m spoiled or anything, but I’m the baby in my family. That means no younger siblings on which to abuse learn. I did do a lot of babysitting in junior high and high school, but only for kids preschool and older. So this will be a learning experience.

  15. richard mcenroe Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 12:44 pm

    Stoli in the orange juice sippy cup.


  16. dragonlady474 Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 2:42 pm

    Hey, at least they’re not painting the dog, going to the bathroom in various places in the house and then climbing apple trees so high you can’t reach them. YES, one of my kids did all of those things. lol
    Bah…you’ll do fine. The one poster was right, wear them out and they should sleep like, well, babies. :)

  17. Jbbooks Says:
    October 24th, 2010 at 8:25 pm

    cute kids. all a 3 of mine are grown and gone. Love them all you can. They grow up too quick.

  18. Robbie Says:
    October 25th, 2010 at 12:19 pm

    Duct tape in the dark closet always works in my house when they get outta hand

  19. Wyatt Earp Says:
    October 25th, 2010 at 12:30 pm

    Ed – I think that was from the Sermon on the Kitchen.

    Bitter – I was lucky. My sister is 16 years younger than me, and with two working parents, I practically raised the girl.

    Richard – Damn, now you tell me!

    DL474 – I was pretty good. Julia woke up early, but not until 4:30am. She slept with me until 7am.

    JBBooks – You can say that again.

    Robbie – I suspect your oldest sees you coming with the duct tape, though. :)

  20. Crazy Politico Says:
    October 25th, 2010 at 9:01 pm

    Wyatt, you haven’t learned the creative uses for bungee cords yet. Wife almost killed me when she found both kids bungeed to the deck of our Mississippi home years ago. I told her I was keeping them out of the yard because the alligators had been sunbathing.