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An Open Letter To The People Of Philadelphia

By Wyatt Earp | August 10, 2009

<i>The progress as of Thursday.</i>

The progress as of Thursday.

Dear jerkasses,

While I realize that construction may be a thing of wonderment to many of you slack-jawed yokels, I can assure you we are not splitting the atom at Casa de Earp. The brilliant guys at J. Rush Construction are raising our roof, adding a master bedroom, a regular bedroom, and a master bath. The work is going very smoothly thus far, but it is still an unfinished piece of art.

So, imagine our annoyance when we get people driving down our street to gawk at our still unfinished house. Driving by slowly to see the progress is fine, especially during the day. But when a white minivan full of jackoffs drives down the street and stops in front of our house – in the middle of the lane, by the way – to stare at our home for 15 minutes . . . in the dark . . . it is not only rude, but ignorant.

Look, I realize that I am a highly-trained blog professional, and that my fans come from near and far to see where all the magic happens. I can accept that. But when people stop in front of my house during the night with the engine running for no apparent reason, I get anxious. Especially when the family is home.

And when Wyatt gets anxious, Wyatt wakes up Mr. Glock 17.

Glock 17

Oh, and don’t let my happy-go-lucky demeanor fool you. I can split hairs with this thing. I’m just sayin’.

Topics: People I Hate | 17 Comments »

17 Responses to “An Open Letter To The People Of Philadelphia”

  1. John D Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 1:25 pm

    Maybe they just want to get a glimpse of you in your leather Speedo.

  2. Bitter Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 1:58 pm

    Your city scares me. :)

  3. Jason Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 2:16 pm

    Much too light on the fire power.

    For bump in the night, you need an NFA AR-15. While it is only semi-auto, you do have your choice of 5.56, 6.8, 300 whisper, or 9mm as your ammunition.

    While I love and carry the Glock 19 (and the 30 sometimes) I prefer higher ammunition capacity, longer sight radius, clamp on illumination, and overall giggity goodness.

    When everything goes to shit, and there are many pushing the cart into the shit river, go for enough love to four tap five shitems without having to change magazines.


  4. Alan Warner Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 4:43 pm


    We shoot every third gawker, the second one just passed!

  5. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 7:32 pm

    John D – I want to drive people AWAY, not to the house!

    Bitter – And you carry a gun!

    Jason – Captain America has an AK. And since I am house/blogsitting for him . . .

    Alan – Nice. I wonder if they have it billboard size?

  6. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 7:51 pm

    Where we take you!
    Our Big Bus Tours take in all of Philadelphia’s main sights. Take a look at our full list of stops below.

    Stop 1. Independance Visitor’s Centre
    Stop 2. Betsy Ross House
    Stop 3. National Constitution Center
    Stop 4. Chinatown
    Stop 5. Hard Rock Cafe
    Stop 6. Love Park / City Hall
    Stop 7. The Cathedral Basilica of Sts Peter And Paul
    Stop 8. Rodin Museum
    Stop 9. “Rocky’s Steps” Museum of Art
    Stop 10. Eastern State Penitentiary
    Stop 11. Philadelphia Museum of Art
    Stop 12. Philadelphia Zoo
    Stop 13. Franklin Institute Science Museum
    Stop 14. Logan Circle
    Stop 15. Academy of Music
    Stop 16. Antiques Row
    Stop 17. South Street/Head House Square
    Stop 18. Society Hill Sheraton
    Stop 19. Penn’s Landing/waterfront
    Stop 20. Old City/Christ Church
    Stop 21. Wyatt Earp’s ranch, currently under construction.

  7. RT Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 7:52 pm

    I could see if folks were thinking, “Gee, let’s do that to our house.” However, stalking you guys at night is a bit much.

    People are weird.

  8. USAdmiral Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 9:15 pm

    That does look like a smash and grab waiting to happen.

  9. Rick Says:
    August 10th, 2009 at 9:16 pm

    I wake up Glock 22 or Remington 870

  10. Jason Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 12:29 am

    Captain America has an AK. And since I am house/blogsitting for him . . .

    The commies do two things extremely well: oppress people and build guns. What a great design.

  11. Dano Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 3:37 am

    Who cares what the armament is… call the cops.. oh wait… er… going back to my den…

  12. GroovyVic Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 8:34 am

    If it makes you feel better, my parents noticed one of their neighbors videotaping their street while it was being re-paved! (Must be an Erie….or a PA thing?)

    And hey, I’ve lived here for five years and I still have looky-loos nibbing around to see what’s up here.

    They haven’t found my moonshine still yet! *hee*

  13. Kim Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 11:35 am

    I am so glad I live in the country. For people to gawk at my house, they have to come up the driveway.

  14. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 1:07 pm

    I can make a phone call if you need some F-16’s to strafe the street. heh.

  15. Woody Says:
    August 11th, 2009 at 2:24 pm

    Looking good Wyatt. Are those joists made of oak? That’s be only fitting…

    I know what you mean about getting antsy at night. I’ve pulled my Glock out of the nightstand a few times myself.

  16. Lergnom Says:
    August 12th, 2009 at 3:04 pm

    Mr. Glock 17 needs a friend, a bright fellow of at least a million candlepower for those evening gawkers. Put a red filter on it and they’ll think they’ve been laser-sighted by major artillery.

  17. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    August 12th, 2009 at 3:25 pm

    I second the laser idea… one of those grip attachments… there’s nothing more intimidating than a red dot on you in the dark.