By Wyatt Earp | June 28, 2007
Good evening ladies and germs! My name is Rosie O’Donnell, and I am America’s Sweetheart. Tonight we are here in the half-empty Hoboken Civic Center to honor a man who definitely needs an introduction, since no one ever heard of him. He’s Wyatt Earp, and tonight we’re roasting him!
What’s that? It’s not a literal roast? Then what the hell am I supposed to eat!!! Bastards! Cripes, let’s get this over with.
Our first speaker is The Man. I thought him a decent enough guy until I heard he thought the September 11th attacks were not staged by the Bush administration. Idiot.
“Jack Bauer called. He wants 70,000 of your hits back.”
Short and to the point. Nice. Our next guest is a lovely redhead with a penchant for all things GOP. Let’s hear it for Pam from Blogmeister USA!
“One of the funniest sites to hit the blogosphere since eHarmony, SYLG has made 100,000 people laugh in the last two years. Actually, the same 20 people have visited the site 5,000 times in order to make Wyatt feel good. It’s all in the marketing!
Wyatt Earp isn’t his real name; it’s Cecil Snerdly-Holmes. He calls himself Wyatt in order to make himself more appealing to the unsuspecting gullible who happen upon his site. And in case you’re wondering, his gun has seen more action as a paperweight than it has protecting the people of Philadelphia. Donut run, anyone?”
Mmm, I could go for some donuts right about now. Here now is the Tennessee Titan of the blogosphere, GOP and College. Yet another Bush pawn. Ugh, it makes me sick!
“You know, I’ve read SYLG for the past couple years and I’ll say it’s been an inspiration. I mean who else can you learn how not to get carpel tunnel from than the guy that repeatedly sits at the computer and presses refresh all day. That’s got to account for something!”
That gives me an idea. I can refresh the Rosie website and seem much more popular! Awesome! Our next guest was voted Teacher of the Year, primarily because she was the only one not sleeping with one of her students! Let’s give a warm welcome to RT!
“Wondering about Wyatt:
Wyatt only goes to movies with men. Think he holds the popcorn in his lap?
Proof Wyatt is girly:
He obsesses about his weight like a girl (hockey players do wear girdles) AND he drives a Saturn. Guess he thought driving a planet would hide his arse.
Wyatt the detective:
Why was he made a detective? Because he was willing to go on the food runs and knows all the restaurants. Well, he already had the kit from the five and dime–standard issue in Philly, so I hear.
Seriously, though, Wyatt is awesome! He entertains and provokes thought. We all appreciate him very much!”
Just because a man goes to the movies with another man doesn’t mean he’s a bad person. He’s probably just gay like me! And I’m America’s Sweetheart! Up next is the hottest thing that side of the Atlantic. Give it up for Pandy!
“I’m kind of concerned about roasting anything near Wyatt. He’s a self-proclaimed “Fatty McButterpants”, and I am concerned that he may just eat the thing before anyone gets a chance to read it. Hopefully not. It’s a low-calorie blurb, for starters, and it’s about time there was some halfway decent writing on SYLG. Seriously. I only read this blog for pictures of hot babes. Furthermore- *sentence enhancer* *bleep* *censored* and MITTEN!”
Thank you, Pandy. That was, um, enlightening. Call me! Next up is the Master of Disaster, our next planet conqueror, the Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla, Remulak MoxArgon!
“Greetings puny Earthlings, and one particularly puny Earthling in particular.
I’d like to take a moment to talk about an Earthling blogger that has enriched the lives of thousands of people via the internet. An Earthling blogger whose witty prose and incisive analysis has set the standard for what people call truly great blogging.
I’d like to talk about that person, but instead, I have to talk about Wyatt Earp.
How can one describe a man like Wyatt without using the words fat, racist, annoying, ugly, or untalented?
Really, I’d like to know, because I’m stumped.
Anyhoo . . . Here’s to Wyatt Earp, and that may all of hits be on his site, and only a few on his head. Thank you.”
Bravo, Mox, bravo! Remember my warm introduction when you annihilate our planet. So . . . is that it? This toad could only get six speakers for a roast? Ouch. Well, I still get my host fee, right? Yeah, twenty boxes of Twinkies. Right. Cool. Well, I’m Rosie O’Donnell; thank you and good night!
Topics: Uncategorized | Comments Off