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It’s Official: Joe Paterno Is Senile

By Wyatt Earp | May 23, 2007

Penn State octogenarian football coach Joe Paterno (left, rushing to the bathroom for the 13th time in an hour) has officially lost his mind.

This spring, six Penn State football players were arrested and charged for crimes stemming from an off-campus fight in which at least 15 Nittany Lions were present. The charged included a couple of star players, although what apparently bothered coach Joe Paterno the most was how many of his kids were willing to be involved.

And so Paterno, 80 now but no less tough, no less disciplined, hatched a plan to set things right within his program. He’ll let the local legal and student judicial process play out, but regardless he decided that to keep people from thinking his team was trash, it’ll spend the fall cleaning it up.

According to Paterno, the Penn State football team will clean Beaver Stadium after each home football game this fall. It’ll gather garbage, sweep stairs and maybe even hose parts down. (H/T – )

He’s kidding, right? Will someone please explain to Joe Pa the following tidbits of knowledge:

1. It is not 1953 anymore. The world has changed from the Ozzie and Harriet lifestyle to which Paterno has become accustomed.

2. The Nittany Lions are not a Pop Warner program. You cannot motivate young adults by picking up other people’s filth.

As much as I despise Penn State, the football program is usually a contender for the National Championship. His players need to rest/practice/watch films the day after the big game. Having them play Sanitation Engineer will only harm the program as a whole. They’ll have plenty of time to be garbage men after graduating from Happy Valley anyway. Heh.

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