By Wyatt Earp | July 31, 2006
Am I first? Well then, kneel before Zod!
Anyhoo, I figger since Wyatt is off vacationing, I’d bring you your fix of COPS for the day. It seems that some of the best police stories are those involving stupid people. I guess I’ll give you the dumbest question that I was ever asked.
Early on, in my law enforcement career, I was dispatched to a domestic disturbance. So my back up unit and I responded out to freaky deaky redneck land for the disturbance. Upon our arrival, we spoke with the complainant. I don’t remember her name, so we’ll just call her Betty Sue Bubba.
I ask Betty Sue what happened. She proceeds to tell me about how she didn’t wash the dishes, and her husband, I don’t remember his name so we’ll call him Billy Bob Bubba, kicked her ass. She had some obvious physical injuries. She had a red mark on her eye that would most likely become a black eye, and red finger marks around her neck.
I then go speak with Billy Bob. I lay down the miranda thing on him. (I’m sure you are all familiar with Miranda rights, right? Only criminals claim to not what their rights per Miranda are.) I ask this no-toothed, wife beater what happened. He proceeds to tell me that Betty Sue didn’t wash the dishes, so he whoopped her ass. Great, I arrest the toothless wonder.
I put him in the back of my marked patrol unit. I proceed to bring Billy Bob to jail. On the way to jail, we’re all small talking and what not. During the course of the conversation, this ‘tard decides to open his mouth and remove all doubt. He asks, “What am I being arrested for?”
I tell him he’s being charged with Simple Battery, Domestic Violence. This genius then asks me the dumbest question I have ever heard. Get ready for it. He asks, “How can you arrest me for domestic violence in my own house?”
I just said, “Dude, if I have to explain THAT to you, there’s no point in continuing this conversation.”
Well, I hope I didn’t disappoint. Y’all have a lovely day.