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The Tao Of Jack Bauer

By Wyatt Earp | January 31, 2006

1. If Jack Bauer was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Nina Myers, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he’d shoot Nina twice.

2. You can lead a horse to water. Jack Bauer can make him drink.

3. If you wake up in the morning, it’s because Jack Bauer spared your life.

4. Upon hearing that he was played by Keifer Sutherland, Jack Bauer killed Sutherland. Jack Bauer gets played by no man.

5. Osama bin Laden’s recent proposal for truce is a direct result of him finding out that Jack Bauer is, in fact, still alive.

6. Jack Bauer once forgot where he put his keys. He then spent the next half-hour torturing himself until he gave up the location of the keys.

7. Superman wears Jack Bauer pajamas.

8. Jack Bauer was never addicted to heroin. Heroin was addicted to Jack Bauer.

9. Every time you masturbate Jack Bauer kills a terrorist. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he kills terrorists.

10. 1.6 billion Chinese are angry with Jack Bauer. Sounds like a fair fight.

11. Jack Bauer played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won.

12. Jack Bauer killed 93 people in just 4 days time. Wait, that is a real fact.

13. Jack Bauer doesn’t miss. If he didn’t hit you it’s because he was shooting at another terrorist twelve miles away.

14. Jack Bauer is the leading cause of death in Middle Eastern men.

15. Lets get one thing straight, the only reason you are conscious right now is because Jack Bauer does not feel like carrying you.

16. Jack Bauer’s favorite color is severe terror alerted. His second favorite color is violet, but just because it sounds like violent.

17. When life gave Jack Bauer lemons, he used them to kill terrorists. Jack Bauer f*cking hates lemonade.

18. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Jack Bauer jumps out.

19. Jack Bauer got Helen Keller to talk.

20. Jack Bauer can get McDonald’s breakfast after 10:30.

21. Killing Jack Bauer doesn’t make him dead. It just makes him angry.

22. Simon Says should be renamed to Jack Bauer Says because if Jack Bauer says something then you better f**king do it.

23. The quickest way to a man’s heart is through Jack Bauer’s gun.

24. Jack Bauer can beat the gay out of Elton John.

25. No man has ever used the phrase, “Jack Bauer is a pussy” in a sentence and lived to tel…

26. People with amnesia still remember Jack Bauer.

27. Jack Bauer makes onions cry.

28. It would only take 1 bullet for Jack Bauer to kill 50 Cent.

29. The real reason the Army ditched the “Army of One”campaign? Jack Bauer sued for copy right infringement.

30. Jack Bauer named his cat ‘Chuck Norris.’ Why? Because He’s a pussy.

31. Jack Bauer doesn’t urinate or defecate. He secretes waste through his pores as two chemicals which can be combined to create napalm.

32. That cougar that stalked Kim was actually Jack Bauer’s pet cat. Jack used his Beastmaster powers to keep an eye on Kim and to keep her in line through fear.

33. The only reason terrorists keep attacking LA is so they can meet Jack Bauer.

34. The ancient Chinese built the Great Wall of China not to repel the Mongols, but rather to repel Jack Bauer. It failed when he attacked over the Himalayas.

35. Chase wasn’t actually in any danger from that terrorist virus. Jack Bauer just cut off his hand because that’s how he warns all of Kim’s boyfriends.

36. Jack Bauer creates an “airtight perimeter” by yelling at the air and calling it a pussy until it gets its shit together and falls in line.

37. Jack Bauer parts LA traffic with his enormous penis. That’s why he can reach anywhere in the city in the span of a commercial break.

38. The reason CTU’s superiors are called “Division” is because Jack Bauer broke their building in half in a fit of rage because they couldn’t bring him a sandwich in 24 hours.

39. Jack Bauer actually finishes every mission in under five minutes. The 24 hours is just creative editing.

40. CTU stands for Jack F*cking Bauer.

41. God rested on the 7th day. Jack Bauer will be spending his 7th day working his usual triple shift without sleep. Lazy ass God.

42. Jack Bauer would have gotten the ring to Mordor in 24 hours.

43. Jack Bauer knows where Carmen Sandiego is.

44. Once a year, Jack Bauer kills and eats an entire blue whale. This is why he is never seen having lunch.

45. If Jack and MacGyver were locked in a room together, Jack would make a bomb out of MacGyver and get out.

(H/T, my brother Chris. Cross-posted at Blogs4Bauer.)

Topics: Uncategorized | 6 Comments »

6 Responses to “The Tao Of Jack Bauer”

  1. Tyler D. Says:
    January 31st, 2006 at 3:35 pm

    #6, 9, 30, 40, 42, 45 Are GOLD.

  2. Peakah Says:
    January 31st, 2006 at 6:42 pm

    Rush read this list on the air today… most of them anyway…

    I think he reads blogs 4 bauer!

  3. rt Says:
    January 31st, 2006 at 7:51 pm

    #31: Is the napalm secreted by Jack as a result of ingesting Schlitz and hard boiled eggs?

    Great list!

  4. Wyatt Earp Says:
    February 1st, 2006 at 3:33 am

    Ty – I like #4, #17, #20, and #41.

    Peak – If he reads it, it would make my life!

    RT – Only Jack Bauer can get away with drinking Schlitz!

  5. Ssssteve Says:
    February 1st, 2006 at 1:31 pm

    Awesome list, Funny

  6. linda Says:
    February 1st, 2006 at 3:13 pm

    Remind me, who’s getting carried away?
    Language….tsk, tsk!