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"Will Shoot Jack Bauer For Food"

By Wyatt Earp | November 25, 2005

There’s nothing better for the piggy bank than landing a sweet gig on a successful television series. That is, until your character is written/killed off. The cast of 24 knows this more than most. Sometimes the success carries over in the form of endorsements. For example, Dennis Haysbert (President Palmer) is now the spokesperson for Allstate. (He’s come a long way from Pedro Cerrano.) Sadly, Haysbert is the exception rather than the rule. For many former cast members, the only lines for which they are auditioning are at the unemployment office.

Well, no longer. SYLG has undertaken the daunting task of finding work for Jack Bauer’s jobless pals. I ask for nothing in return . . . except maybe a date with Sarah Clarke.

D. B. Woodside (Wayne Palmer) – President Palmer’s brother and Chief of Staff was secretive, devious, and about as effective as marriage counseling for Nick and Jessica. He lasted only one season and is now selling maps to Hollywood homes. Fear not, D.B., I have the perfect position for you – Spokesman for the Democratic National Committee.

Mary Lynn Rajskub (Chloe O’Brien) – The best line ever spoken in this series was doled out last season when CTU bigwig Bill Buchanan said, “Chloe, we don’t have time for your personality disorder!” Classic! Although still employed, Mary Lynn could snare a terrific side job as a Human Smoke Detector – since she always has a look on her face like somebody farted.

Sarah Clarke (Nina Myers) – Jack Bauer’s former love interest turned out to be a double agent as well as The Mother of All Bitches. Sure she was hot, but who can fantasize when the girl of your dreams is always trying to kill you? Anyone with her perpetual PMS would be a shoe-in as the voice of Midol.

Topics: Uncategorized | 4 Comments »

4 Responses to “"Will Shoot Jack Bauer For Food"”

  1. The Conservative UAW Guy Says:
    November 25th, 2005 at 1:27 pm

    But what about Kim/Elisha?

    And FIRST!!


  2. rightwingprof Says:
    November 25th, 2005 at 4:01 pm

    Xander Berkeley ended up as the Sheriff on CSI for, what, a season and a half. Reiko Aylesworth was on CSI for exactly one episode (I didn’t get that), the first episode from last season, I think, where she was Greg’s replacement in the DNA lab.

    William Devane’s been in lots of stuff, but what happened to Penny Johnson? She was the best part of any scene she was in.

  3. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 25th, 2005 at 8:21 pm

    CUG – I didn’t want your raging hormones drooling on my template.

    Prof – Bullseye on Johnson. She was the penultimate woman you loved to hate!

  4. The Man Says:
    November 26th, 2005 at 12:11 am

    Smallest part: Tony’s junkie girlfriend.
    Kim’s boyfriend’s right arm (jack cut that sucker off)..