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Isn’t It Ironic?

By Wyatt Earp | November 23, 2005

The harder I try to be a bum for Sergeant A-Hole, the easier activity comes my way. Last night, I parked at a gas station near the busiest intersection in my district, waiting for a motorist to do something stupid.

It didn’t take long.

Two rice burners decided to drag race past my location, spinning wheels as they went. Naturally, I took off after them, soon realizing that my speedometer was approaching 80 mph before I could close the gap. The slower of the two vehicles pulled over, and I approached the car, deftly concealing my paralyzing rage.

The 17-year old kid behind the wheel – he may have been older, but driving that fast I think we went back in time – handed me his driver’s license along with his “Civil Air Patrol” cadet ID; as if that was going to get him out of an enormous ticket.

SidebarLoyal readers of SYLG know how much I love and respect our military. Now, correct me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think a seventeen-year old cadet qualifies here. If it does, I’ll apologize.

Speed Racer said he and his racing partner (let’s call him Racer X) were enroute to the airport for a “search and rescue mission.” I told him that he was gonna be late, since writing tickets takes some time. Fortunately for him, my gullible jackass side took over, and I only wrote him a ticket for Careless Driving. By right, he could have received a citation for Reckless Driving, which means an automatic suspension of the Boy Wonder’s license.

The Civil Air Patrol ID must have gotten to me. Either that or the fact that the kid’s last name – and Wagonsux can corroborate this – was EARP!

Topics: Uncategorized | 18 Comments »

18 Responses to “Isn’t It Ironic?”

  1. The Man Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 10:48 am

    Will my Stop-and-Shop Valued Customer Card get me out of a ticket if you stop me?

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 10:54 am

    Only if you give me “the phrase that pays.”

  3. Dr. Phat Tony Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 11:59 am

    What if I showed a little skin?

  4. Tyler D. Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 12:09 pm

    That’s not fair. My CAP id never got me out of anything. But, I’ve never been in trouble.

  5. Pandy Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 12:38 pm

    Cadets don’t count for anything, nope.

    But belligerent, tattooed ex-MPs with shaved heads and southern accents should never receive anything more than a verbal warning.

  6. SK Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 4:01 pm

    Awwww man you fell for the last name!!

  7. Peakah Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 4:32 pm

    Wyatt, I’d allow you to finish the beer I was chugging if you’d pull me over. I know how thirsty you’d be after the car chase…

  8. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 5:09 pm

    Doc – I think I just threw up in my mouth a little.

    Ty – That’s because you’re not a toad.

    Yoshiko – Good, now I don’t feel bad. And southern accents ALWAYS get a verbal warning!

    SK – I know. I’m a sucker. But what are the odds I’d pull over someone named “Earp?”

    Peak – It had better be a Guinness, though – not one of those lame domestics!

  9. The Conservative UAW Guy Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 5:45 pm

    How about my Life NRA Member Card?
    I heart Guiness, BTW!

  10. airforcewife Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 7:02 pm

    Oh My God. I feel shame.

    My 13 year old is a CAP cadet (if you make a certain rank you get an E3 when you enlist, and she’s enlisting when she graduates).

    If you ever catch her trying to do that, please use your baton on her. Pepper spray, too, if you think it’ll get the message across. Consider this my contractually signed permission.

  11. wagonsux Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 7:53 pm

    and Wagonsux can corroborate this –
    I could, but I won’t. This poor pre-pubescent teen was crying for his mother. All the while, Wyatt berated him for driving 41 in a 35mph zone. I was really feeling sorry for the Lad. I was going to offer him a tissue, but I didn’t wan’t to interfere with Wyatt’s investigation.

    Just before this juvenile was about to plead for mercy, I was amazed with what I saw next. Instead of giving this scofflaw a summons for his “excessive” speed, Wyatt gave him a hug. For one young man, it will indeed be a happy Thanksgiving.

  12. Uber Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 7:54 pm

    I too was a CAP cadet, first female in my area at 14 too.

    Batting eyelashes is way more powerful than the CAP ID and the Earpy name put together!

    33 and never been given a ticket. mwhahaha Of course not driving stupid helps too.

  13. The Conservative UAW Guy Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 8:17 pm

    I would not give you a ticket, Uber…
    (Notice I did not say “I would let you go.”)


  14. Peakah Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 8:41 pm

    wyatt: duh…

  15. GunnNutt Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 8:41 pm

    Uh, oh. Wagonsux confirmed my suspicion: you’re just a big softy!

    But in case you’re not, how much slack will a life NRA card get us?

  16. The Conservative UAW Guy Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 9:13 pm

    Yeah, what GunnNutt said!

  17. linda Says:
    November 23rd, 2005 at 11:19 pm

    Didn’t he know he was suppose to wear leather pants, and a tank top?

  18. Wyatt Earp Says:
    November 24th, 2005 at 7:00 am

    CUG – Lifetime NRA member (heh, “member’)? Yeah, that’ll probably get you and Gunny out of a jam.

    Wagon – God damn, I hate you.

    AFW – Consider it done. And yes, by commenting you legally give me permission to beat your kid.

    Uber – Batting your eyelashes (along with the southern accent) will get you out of a ticket, but not a thorough search! Tee hee hee!

    CUG – Ditto!

    Peak – Just making sure.

    Gunny – Don’t listen to a word Wagon says; he’s a compulsive liar.

    Lin – Um, that would only work for you, darlin’ :)