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The Evil Conservative

By Wyatt Earp | September 23, 2005

In light of recent accusations fired at President Bush (read: blowing New Orleans’ levees with dynamite), I believe it is necessary to expose some of the deepest, darkest conspiracies known only to evil conservatives such as myself. I apologize if this offends some of my conservative friends, but I do this for the good of the nation.

Top Ten Other Things George Bush Is Responsible For

10. George Bush cancelled the original Star Trek.

9. Not only did Bush know about 9-11 beforehand, he also let bought Atta’s first class ticket. (Of course, as a prank, Bush reserved Atta a kosher meal.)

8. Being a Texas football fan, George Bush rigged every Super Bowl in which the Buffalo Bills were involved. In fact, Scott Norwood was secretly given elephant tranquilizer before his “wide right” field goal attempt.

7. In 1963, when John F. Kennedy was about to blow the lid off Haliburton and its monopolistic tendencies. George Bush let Oswald borrow his old Italian bolt-action rifle.

6. George Bush (as well as Pope Pius XII) created the AIDS virus in the basement of the Vatican, although Bush wanted the original strain to target gays, blacks, and Jews.

5. George Bush is responsible for my cousin Colleen’s lactose intolerance.

4. Dick Cheney’s health in not failing; he is a cylon. The V.P. is constantly in the hospital to upgrade his software.

3. George Bush singlehandedly destroyed the ozone, because his twins like to wear halter tops and sun dresses year round.

2. George Bush is responsible for this post not being funny. Yeah, blame him.

1. The war in Iraq is a ruse. It is only the first step in George Bush’s attempt to gain control of Sweden’s vast fondue fields.

Topics: Top Ten List | 7 Comments »

7 Responses to “The Evil Conservative”

  1. Steve Says:
    September 23rd, 2005 at 1:48 pm


    I think that is hillarious!!

    Is somebody in a crappy mood or what?

  2. Peakah Says:
    September 23rd, 2005 at 3:29 pm

    as for #8, I KNEW IT!

    That bastard… I can’t believe I voted for him twice… had I known, it totally would have been a deal breaker! ARrrrrrgggghhhh!

  3. Tyler D. Says:
    September 23rd, 2005 at 11:36 pm

    At least the VP is a cylon and not EVIl.

  4. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 24th, 2005 at 12:08 am

    Steve – Whatever gave you that idea? I am perfectly well-adjusted.

    Peak – Sorry, but that one was for you.

    Ty – Agreed. Tonight’s BSG was awesome!

  5. Lone Ranger Says:
    September 24th, 2005 at 12:13 am

    I’m going to catch BSG first thing in the morning. TiVO has changed my life! I’ve been watching hurricane coverage, hoping someone — anyone — will be decapitated by a flying stop sign. It will happen. Someday, it will happen.

  6. Peakah Says:
    September 24th, 2005 at 11:16 am

    Man, you find that thorn and just twist it don’t ‘cha! S’ok, I’m so over scott norwide and my bills letting me down.

    Heard a funny joke at the bar last sunday:

    How do you know that OJ was innocent, because the Bills don’t stab, they choke… *rimshot*

    Yeah baby, i’m here all week, try the veal…

  7. Insolublog Says:
    September 25th, 2005 at 10:57 pm

    He cancelled the Original Trek?!

    I thought it was Bush’s idea to double park the large Doomsday neutronium skinned french creme horn of death outside the DNC convention, and not feed the meter. How can this be?

    And lone ranger (LOL), I would take anybody as well. But if it was Geraldo, I would be compelled to paste it as a frame-by-frame background image on my desktop.