Category Archives: Movies

A Reboot To The Head

Robert Pattinson

Robert Pattinson, the man who transformed vampires from bloodthirsty psychopaths to gay ballerinas, is allegedly at the top of the list for an Indiana Jones reboot.

The sound you hear is the p.a. system of the crisis center, since Disney wants to rape my childhood.

According to The Daily Star, Twilight actor Robert Pattinson is apparently the front-runner in a shortlist to play the rebooted Indiana Jones. The British tabloid states that Hollywood sources claim the 28-year old Pattinson is currently tipped as the favorite by Disney:

“Disney is looking at its long-term options for the Indiana Jones franchise. They feel the series has huge potential on many levels, starting with the films leading to other spin-offs like games which can generate more money than movies. Rob is top of the list because he has showed his acting stripes away from Twilight. But the competition will be stiff.”

This is why the film industry is dying a slow, painful death. The last time someone in Hollywood had an original idea, Steven Spielberg was wearing a Naked Eyes concert shirt. Promises, promises indeed. Every piece of flotsam coming out of Studio City is a sequel, a reboot, or a comic book film. That would be fine if they were only destroying franchises like Transformers – sorry, Dr. Evil – but stay away from the classics!

The Indiana Jones franchise should have ended with The Last Crusade. No sequels. No reboots. No metrosexual replacements for Harrison Ford.

Empire Loves Empire

The Empire Strikes BackEmpire Magazine asked a quarter million movie fans to pick the greatest film evah. Ironically, the winner was The Empire Strikes Back. What, no Tommy Boy?

Star Wars film The Empire Strikes Back has been voted the greatest movie of all time in a poll of more than 250,000 film fans.

The film, which came out in cinemas in 1980 three years after the first Star Wars movie, topped a poll of 301 titles in Empire magazine beating Francis Ford Coppola’s mafia masterpiece The Godfather into second place. Batman sequel The Dark Knight came in third with The Shawshank Redemption and Pulp Fiction rounding off the top five.

The Empire Strikes Back is the greatest Star Wars movie ever made. Anyone who disagrees should be shot, then hanged. However, at the risk of losing my geek cred, Empire is nowhere near the best film of all time. Top 100? Probably. Top 50? Maybe.

I’ve seen four of these top five films – I hate Tim Robbins, so Shawshank can bite me. All four were terrific, but the only one who can be in the Top Film conversation is The Godfather… even if it does insist upon itself.

I’m a film nerd, so it’s difficult for me to pick my favorite film of all time. That said, if you ask me today, I would probably say my best film of all time is The Untouchables. What say you?

Midnite…

downloadIt’s finally here! I have been waiting for this day since I saw the 1998 American-made Godzilla movie starring Ferris Bueller and half The Simpson’s cast. It was a bigger bombshell than Miranda Kerr. FINALLY a Godzilla movie is coming out made by us Americans that will NOT suck!

I have full faith the movie will be spectacular. The cast looks phenomenal. Gareth Edwards looks like he did a hell of a job, and the special effects may be Oscar-worthy. That’s right…Big Green could be an Emmy nomination!

Here’s the bitch. I am too old and tired for the midnite screening. I was going to see it with Uncle Ray on Saturday, but he has a wedding. The Evil Surgeon (in her awesome splendor) has offered to go in his stead, but then I am not seeing it first with dad…and next weekend is no good because I was going to drive to Virginia to meet Evil Surgeon’s parents. I am a sad pawn, with a cruel fate!

Hugh Jackman Works His Ass Off

Hugh Jackman X-MenSo much so that he will show it, au naturel, in the new X-Men film. You know, if you’re into that sort of thing.

Excitement surrounding the new X-Men movie, which features stars of the first trilogy and its prequel, is already palpable. But now it might just reach fever pitch, as Hugh Jackman has revealed there’s ‘a naked shot’ in the film.

Hugh said that the scene in question is ‘not front naked – it’s PG-13 – but full-body.’ He explained: ‘So I made it very clear that I wanted to know the date I’d be shooting that stuff. That was May 21. And I remember about three weeks before that, I hear, “Oh, we’re having some trouble with the day, we might push it off a few weeks.”

‘I said, “Absolutely not! I don’t care, you can push anything back you want, but I’m naked on that day!”

Pfft, nobody wants to see that, Hugh. Amirite, ladies? Ladies??

Sometimes The Oldies Are The Best

StingredfordnewmanWhile Mollie was running down Broad Street and Wyatt was…doing Wyatt stuff, I did what any good American would do. I had my fat ass curled up on the couch. Still exhausted from working Friday nite at the bar, and still fat from gorging myself at Rittenhouse Row Food Festival, I planned on doing nothing on Sunday. NOTHING. The Evil Surgeon had other plans.

I shouldn’t complain. She walked with me all day Saturday as I went to the aforementioned Rittenhouse festival. I highly recommend it. A great day of crab rolls, steak tacos, hot dogs, sausages, Leinenkugel, and a beer called “Come Hell or High Watermelon.” She even didn’t give me the eye when I went into Barnes and Noble and bought a Godzilla graphic novel. Not even a word when I stayed up all night watching the awesome Kings game. The only thing I accomplished Saturday was moving in my TV and TV stand at about 4 in the morning. More on that tomorrow!

Then it happened…

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A Little Something For The Ladies…

Chris Pratt white

Actually, those muscles don’t look little at all!

A little something for the ladies…

I don’t usually watch movies based on comic books and super heroes BUT I will be making an exception in August. Chris Pratt is in the movie Guardians of the Galaxy. He plays the role of Peter Quill/Star-Lord (sounds like a stripper name??), the object of a manhunt after discovering the power of a coveted orb. If he is the trophy from this manhunt where do I sign up?

Any of you guys have plans on August 1st? I may need a geek to explain this comic book movie to me. I am willing to share my popcorn…

For you guys who think you can’t improve your physique, check out his before picture. He is photographed with his wife, Anna Faris. I think I could take her out and make him mine. Just saying…

Chris-Pratt-Weight-Loss

22 Days

Godzilla Movie PosterAwwwwwww yeah! 22 days until the Godzilla reboot! Guess who is happier than a pig in Obamacare. Obamacare has become my new slang word for $&^%!

I have been trying to provide Wyatt some relief with an afternoon post everyday. I am sad to report I got nuffin today. But when I look on my calendar I do notice that the Godzilla reboot is only three weeks away. THREE WEEKS!

I have been a huge fan of Big Green since Uncle Ray plopped me down in front of the afternoon double creature feature Godzilla vs. Mothra, followed by Godzilla vs. Monster Zero. An 8-year old liked two guys in rubber suits beating the hell out of each other while trashing the military and stomping whatever Japanese city happened to be nearby. Seriously, Tokyo has been destroyed more times than New Orleans. It still looks better than Detroit, though.

Given the trailers that are playing, and the bitching Snickers commercial, Godzilla looks like it will be true to the TOHO films, and not the god-awful American remake with Matthew Broderick. Which us G-Fans refer to as “GINO” – Godzilla In Name Only.

So hold on to your butts, America! This movie should be bigger than Big Green himself. If we could only unleash him on DC…

The Hawk Will Never Die

Hawkeye Jeremy RennerWhile I enjoyed the Avengers movie – and Scarlett Johansson’s delicious little body – I thought Hawkeye (played by Jeremy Renner, above) was wasted in the film. Apparently, that’s going to change.

It “was important in the characters you haven’t seen [since the first Avengers movie] — Hulk being one of them and Hawkeye being one of them — [that] Ultron will make up for it,” he said. “They have very big parts in Age of Ultron.”

That can only come as good news to fans of Hawkeye, who has the unfortunate status of having appeared in two Marvel movies without ever having really played a decisive role yet. His Thor appearance was little more than a cameo, and in Avengers, he was alternately mind-controlled and then running interference for the other heroes during the battle of New York. Avengers: Age of Ultron is due for release May 1, 2015.

The Hulk point is a valid one; he wasn’t used well, either. Of course, I’d be perfectly content to sit and watch two and a half hours of Black Widow, so don’t go by me.

Better Than A Royale With Cheese

Pulp Fiction Childrens BookAn artist has unveiled illustrations depicting classic films as children’s books. The works are, in a word, outstanding.

Pixar artist Josh Cooley has taken some iconic scenes from movies that are very much not for children and re-imagined them as childrens’ book illustrations.

You can buy the images as 8″ x 5″ or 11″ x 19″ prints.

My favorite, obviously, is the Pulp Fiction scene, but there are a lot of terrific examples at Cooley’s site.

The Best Film You’ll See All Year

Marcus Luttrell And SEAL Team 10

In a year set to feature at least two superhero films, an Arnold Schwarzenegger action flick, and countless dramas starring Oscar winners, it may surprise you the best film of 2014 has already debuted. That film is Lone Survivor. Captain America, Fireboat John and myself went to see the film adaptation of Marcus Luttrell’s best-selling book last night, and it more than lived up to its terrific word-of-mouth…

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