A Different Kind Of Top 10 List
By Wyatt Earp | October 7, 2009
Randal Graves sent this to me, and when I read it, I both laughed and cried. I laughed because the article is pretty funny. I cried because I have seen – and liked – a few of these Top 10 Movies Douchebags Like.
Does that make me a douchebag? Not necessarily. My body of work on this blog probably makes me a douchebag, though. Enjoy!
There are some movies out there that have become notorious for being beloved by douchebags everywhere. It’s not necessarily ‘cause they’re bad, or even ‘cause they’re stupid. It’s just that, for whatever reason, douchebags have claimed them for their own and look to them for guidance and affirmation of their douchebagginess. Don’t beat yourself up if you love these movies – but be wary of anyone who loves all of these movies.
Here’s a perfect example. A movie I have never seen, and don’t plan to see . . . ever:
Garden State.
Any heterosexual male who openly and proudly confesses to liking or, dare I say, loving, Garden State needs to get into a twelve-step program for douchebags, stat. Step one is admitting you’re a douchebag. Step two is accepting without judgment the slaps everyone in the room deliver to your face. Step three is to stop telling everyone at parties how much you identify with Zach Braff’s character in Garden State and how you, too, are numb to all the pain. Step four is to stop holding little paper cups up to your eyes and trying to force yourself to cry every time you corner a drunk girl in the bathroom at said parties.
Step five is to never, ever watch Garden State again, and to punch your douchebag friends in the face every time they tell you how much they identify with Zach Braff’s character in Garden State. For steps six through eleven, just repeat step two six more times. Or until you get to the point where even the mention of Garden State triggers a Pavlovian reaction of fear and anger.
Step twelve, repeat after me: Liking Garden State does not make me a sensitive, deeply emotional man. It just makes me an obnoxious douchebag.
Sometimes taking that first step to recovery is the hardest. And sometimes getting slapped repeatedly in the face for having horrible taste in movies is the hardest.
I’m sorry, but that may be the single most hilarious commentary I have ever read. I didn’t see Garden State because it may or not be a bad film. I didn’t see Garden State because I think Zach Braff has less talent than Ben Affleck.
There, I said it.
But putting The Boondock Saints and Scarface on the list? Than hurts, man.
Topics: Movies | 8 Comments »
October 7th, 2009 at 8:00 am
Not one of these movies had Jessica Biel in them, therefore, they are truly unworthy. Can I have a picture now? Or a pony? Please?
October 7th, 2009 at 10:53 am
spot-on with Napoleon Dynamite!
I didn’t even realize there was 4 of those idiotic street racing movies that Vin Diesel apparently two. I’m surprised he didn’t have more mentions in the douche movies list either, though to his credit – he did take #2 on it.
with ya on Scarface though..ouch. never seen Boondock Saints, though, but I’ll put it on my netflix queue.
October 7th, 2009 at 10:58 am
Agreed, Wyatt. Boondock Saints and Scarface really don’t belong on the list.
The Fast and the Furious, though, emphatically does. I still haven’t forgiven the makers of that film for killing the only decent car in the movie (Vin Diesel’s Pro Street Charger). Bastards.
So does Fight Club; I never really got that movie. And I don’t get Brad Pitt as a movie star, either.
The only other film on that list I’ve watched was Old School. Total waste of a video rental fee. At least the guy who wrote the article used a still photo of the best scene of the movie…heh, heh.
October 7th, 2009 at 11:52 am
I’m thinking Dodgeball could make the top 20.
October 7th, 2009 at 12:38 pm
The guy who wrote this piece of drivel is the douchebag Wyatt.
Ghost write for Micheal Moore much? Bad AmeriKKKa.
He doesn’t even deserve the attention you’ve given him Wyatt.
October 7th, 2009 at 1:18 pm
I agree with this guy regarding “Scarface” but not for the same reasons. I went to see “Scarface” in the theater when it came out back in 1983. They had hyped the living crap out of it that it was the most violent movie ever made. Hardly. Somebody had kidnapped the Al Pacino who appeared in Godfathers I & II and replaced him with some screaming, scenery chewing ham that made Frank Gorshin seem understated. It is tedious and I thought I would fall asleep in the theater. The action scenes at the end are hardly a payoff. Itt’s crap. Seeing the silk shirts with Scarface on them being sold to thugs in and around Market Street makes me hate this film all the more.
October 7th, 2009 at 4:40 pm
1oldleg – I’ll see what I can do.
Smite – If you take it for what it is, it’s a classic!
Wes S. – Agreed. Great shot. I like Old School. It’s stupid, but that’s the fun of it. I loved Boondock Saints and Scarface, and I own both on DVD.
MeToo – I like DodgeBall, too!
Woody – I still thought some of the comments – especially about Garden State – were a riot!
Crankipants – Worst accent . . . evah! Heh, Frank Gorshin. Best Riddler . . . evah!
October 7th, 2009 at 11:59 pm
Come on Old School is classic funny stuff. You have to watch it more than once though. The first time I was not a fan. The second, I laughed my ass off. Oh and Mrs. Crankipants, I think I actually did fall asleep watching Scarface back in the day.