Category Archives: Al-key-hol

May I Czech Your ID?

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Homer Simpson Beer Pyramid

You gotta hand it to the Czech Republic; they make Kentuckians look like pikers.

Czech police found a million liters of illegal alcohol hidden in underground tanks in one of the biggest seizures of untaxed booze ever.

Police have been chasing a widespread web of untaxed alcohol makers and distributors since a batch that included poisonous methyl alcohol killed 45 people and forced the government to ban all liquor sales for several weeks in September last year.

A spokesman said officers found the illicit booze at several unused industrial sites around the steel-making and mining center of Ostrava, in the eastern Czech Republic near Polish and Slovak borders, and at a site near the northern German border.

The Czech Republic is one of Europe’s heaviest drinking countries, and the world’s leader in per-capita beer consumption of around 140 liters per year.

Damned right! We like to party… because everything in the former Czechoslovakia is gray.

The Breakfast Of Ex-Champions

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pop-tarts-vodka

Guaranteed to get your morning off to a fresh start.

It seems as though we just can’t get enough of these breakfast flavored vodkas. Literally days after we introduced you to the Mama Walker’s Breakfast Liqueurs, Kellog’s decided it was time to unveil their Pop-Tarts Vodka.

That’s right, an entire range of vodka dedicated to our favorite morning treat. As if the news of the Pop-Tarts ice cream sandwich wasn’t exciting enough for fans of the popular toaster pastry, we now have the option to indulge on 3 different flavors of 80-proof Pop-Tarts vodka. Kellog’s will roll out three classic flavors including Strawberry, S’mores, and the above pictured Brown Sugar Cinnamon. The company has been prepping this line for years at their headquarters, and have plans to roll out 3 new flavors every year. We were saddened to find out this was simply an April Fools joke by Table to Grave, but figured this post could spark some thought.

Damn, and here I was all ready to buy a case (or three).

Drink Yourself Thin!

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Christine Quinn

Meet Christine Quinn. Like every NYC mayoral hopeful, she’s a hot mess.

New York City politician Christine Quinn is known for her tough-talking ways and brash attitude that have helped her work her way up to become the first lesbian City Council speaker.

Now she has opened up for the first time in her public life to tell that she suffered from bulimia and stopped drinking three years ago because she is an alcoholic.

So she’s a bulimic alcoholic. Pfft, doesn’t every person who drinks too much end up Ralphing their lunch?

If you ask me, this chick needs to take a drink and relax.

Is That About My Cube?

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Stainless Steel Alcohol Cubes

A Massachusetts inventor has found a replacement for ice cubes; and they are powered by SCIENCE!

These new ice cubes will not water down or change the taste of a drink – because they are made from stainless steel. The inert metal cubes will suit connoisseurs who prefer their liqueur on the rocks but cannot stand their drinks being watered down by ice.

The stainless steel cubes, known as a “Puc,” also let the drinker more accurately control the temperature as they become colder the more are added.

Cue the lawsuit from the first drunken idiot who swallows one of these in 3… 2…

Illegally Blonde

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Reese WitherspoonAmerica’s Sweetheart, Reese Witherspoon, was arrested this weekend for disorderly conduct… and for being just adorable.

Reese Witherspoon pulled her celebrity card out while her husband was getting arrested for DUI, telling the officer who ended up busting her, “You’re about to find out who I am.”

Cops say they spotted Reese and her husband Jim Toth’s car, a silver Ford Fusion, weaving in and out of lanes, so they pulled them over. As officers dealt with Jim, Reese allegedly started acting up, telling cops, “Do you know my name?” The officer answered by saying, “No, I don’t need to know your name.”

During Jim’s arrest, Reese allegedly became ornery, demonstrating visual and verbal frustration over how long it was taking to arrest her husband. At one point, she got out of her car and the officer ordered her back inside. When she got out a second time, he arrested her for disorderly conduct, a municipal ordinance.

The officer stated that Toth told him he only had one drink, but – as first reported by Variety – when given a Breathalyzer test, Toth’s blood alcohol level was .139.

Toth blood alcohol came in at an impressive .139, but what’s more impressive is that Reese Witherspoon married the villain from Raiders of the Lost Ark.

Oh wait, that was Toht, not Toth.

They Must Have Been Dead Drunk

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Caddyshack GroundhogThree men are accused of tossing dead animals into a western PA bar.

This, my friends, is what happens when your town doesn’t have cows to tip.

Police have charged three men with disorderly conduct for allegedly tossing a dead groundhog and grouse into a western Pennsylvania tavern.

The (Dubois) Courier-Express first reported Friday that the men whom the chief has described as “dissatisfied customers” have now been charged with disorderly conduct for the incidents at Bill’s Bar over the weekend.

Sadly, the incident happened before last call, and the animals went home with a couple of desperate local guys.

Pfft, A.A. Is For Quitters!

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drunk couple cake topperAn Australian couple was arrested two times (each) in a 24-hour period.

This is what happens when your country serves beer in a freakin’ oil can.

Dunwich police conducted a road side breath test on a female driver in Snapper Street, Point Lookout about 1pm. The 27-year-old recorded a reading of .126 per cent and was charged with drink driving.

A short time later police stopped the same car which was now being driven by the passenger, a 34-year-old man from Redbank Plains. He recorded a breath test reading of .110 per cent and was also charged with drink driving.

The couple were released but shortly afterwards the man was observed by police in Point Lookout driving the vehicle again. The man again recorded a positive breath test and was charged with drink driving as well as driving while suspended.

Incredibly the couple returned to their vehicle and the woman again got behind the wheel. They were again stopped by police and the woman was charged with drink driving and driving while suspended. (H/T – Smite)

In fairness, the closest thing Australia has to a taxi is a kangaroo pouch; and that’s only a one-seater.

When Irish Eyes Are Driving

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Notre Dame Drunken IrishAn enterprising young politician confirmed everything I already knew about Ireland.

It’s full of drunken Irishmen.

I mean, Danny Healy-Rae had to be hammered when he put forth legislation that legalized drunk driving, right?

The Irish town of Kilgarvan passed a law this winter that allows members of its community to drink and drive.

Proposed by local pub owner and politician Danny Healy-Rae, the motion allows people who live in country areas to have a few beers before they drive home. Healy-Rae [said] he thinks the measure will help preserve pub culture, lower the risk of suicide and attack isolation in the small town.

Healy-Rae says the law isn’t supposed to apply to everyone.

“I am talking about mainly elderly people who live in very remote places who come to town to get a bit of shopping, enjoy a couple of pints and a chat with friends and then drive home at less than 30 miles an hour,” Healy-Rae [said].

Oh yeah, because the elderly are never involved in auto accidents. Why not liquor them up? /Headdesk

Happy St. Patrick’s Day

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Susan LoughnaneOr something.

I’ve gotta be honest: I despise everything about this holiday. The entire day (at least in this country) boils down to watching jackasses get stupid drunk, while forcing Gaelic catch phrases through a traffic jam of beer pretzels and drool. Saint Patrick deserves better.

And yes, like pretty much every other person in America, I have Irish roots; I just couldn’t care less about them. The Saint Brigid’s cross above our front doorway is as far as I’m prepared to go.

That said, St. Patrick’s Day was my maternal grandfather’s birthday. It also serves as a terrific excuse to post a comely Irish lass, so I guess the day isn’t a total waste.

Super Trooper

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Iron Maiden BeerThis May, Heavy metal legend Bruce Dickinson is set to release an Iron Maiden beer. Up the irons!

The ale will obviously need to be enjoyed from a heavy metal beer stein.

My Body’s Numb and My Throat is Dry.. It’s Time to Pound Some Iron Maiden BEER, Until I DIE.

“Real ale fan and history aficionado Bruce Dickinson, Maiden’s vocalist, played a major role in developing the unique flavor of the beer, entailing ongoing visits to Robinson’s brewery in Stockport.”

Brewed by Robinsons Brewery in the UK out of the pure love for heavy metal and will be available in bottle form in the UK and overseas in May 2013.

I suspect Trooper will be much more successful than Rum-DMC.