Category Archives: Al-key-hol

Hamster? I Hardly Know Her!

Nicole Elizabeth HueyMeet Nicole Elizabeth Huey, the pride of Oregon. You may not know it to look at her, but Nicole’s interests include alcohol, long walks on the beach, and small furry animals.

An Oregon woman who pled guilty to driving under the influence with a hamster on her lap has completed a diversion program. Nicole Elizabeth Huey, 29, was stopped with the furry animal on her lap by Beaverton police officers shortly after 12:30am on October 16, 2012.

Beaverton? Really? Oh come on, they made that up!

Huey reportedly told officers she was going to a local store. When she got out of the car, Huey left the hamster on the dashboard.

I guess that’s safer than putting it where Saturday’s watch thief placed it…

Johnnie Walker Dead

Dock Street Walker Brain Beer

Thanks to a Philadelphia company, beer – like salmon – is now a brain food.

Zombies are known for indulging in certain delicacies such as warm human flesh and brains. Brains are the caviar of the zombie diet. If you’re going to brew a zombie-inspired beer, you might as well go all in and add some braaaaains along with the graaaaains. That’s what the Dock Street Brewing Company in Philadelphia did.

Dock Street’s Walker is an American pale stout. The ingredient list looks pretty mundane at first. It includes wheat, oats, flaked barley, and organic cranberries. Oh by the way, it also uses smoked goat brains. That means Walker isn’t suitable for vegetarians, or anybody who’s squeamish about drinking something made with goat brains. (H/TEasily Lost)

My first thought upon reading this was, “Kill it with fire!,” but upon further review, a brain beer would probably have a full (dead) body, and a reanimated taste.

Prison Shake

Maura FussellMeet Maura Fussell. Maura really loves her husband. She also loves her alcohol. Sometimes, she gets to love both at the same time.

A Reston, Va., woman faces indecent exposure and public drunkenness charges after she allegedly showed up to visit her husband in Arlington County Jail wearing only her birthday suit.

Maura Fussell’s husband had been arrested earlier Saturday. Police said Fussell came to visit her husband during the evening, but they aren’t sure if she showed up naked, or merely disrobed upon arriving at the Arlington Magistrate’s Office.

When she refused to get dressed, the cops gave the 26-year-old a choice: Let them call her a cab home, or spend the night in jail. She took the latter.

Okay, she’s a hot mess – emphasis on hot – but someone who drinks that much is bound to find me attractive!

The Brotherhood Of The Traveling Pants

Bryan HillThis may be hard for you to believe, but there have been times where I got all hopped up and made some bad decisions. Now while I may have vomited out a second-story window, I never wore a pair of pants on my head.

An intoxicated Indiana man found passed out in the driver’s seat of his car was in his underwear, had on one sock, and was wearing his pants like a shirt. Bryan Hill, 24, was behind the wheel of a 2013 Honda yesterday when police found the vehicle blocking traffic, according to an Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department report.

As detailed by a cop, Hill, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was “wearing only a t-shirt, underwear and one sock.” The officer added that Hill “did have pants on, but they were on his arms. Both arms were inserted into the legs of his jeans.”

That’s right, laugh now; by year’s end this guy will be the world’s foremost fashion designer.

I’ve Seen Better Heads On A Pint Of Guinness

Daphne GuinnessIn the mid-1700′s, Arthur Guinness created perfection in a pint glass. Two and a half centuries later, his heir is apparently spending her time drinking the profits.

With a huge platform heel and racy zip detail, these leather shoes might be considered daring for a lot of women. But they were no problem for Daphne Guinness, 46, fashion muse and heiress to the Guinness family fortune, who sported the unusual shoes on the streets of New York yesterday.

Despite the cold winter weather, Daphne wore the very high shoes with tiny black shorts, tights and a black leather and fur coat, with her blonde and black-dyed hair piled into a messy bun.

There are bottles of Guinness in my fridge 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It troubles me to learn my purchases are financing this bint’s ridiculous footwear.

Prat, drunk, and stupid is no way to go through life, hon.

He Deaaaaad!

Wyatt Earp GraveWe have an unwelcome visitor to the Earp Ranch this morning, and its name is cellulitis.

The past few days have been chock full of stress, which the doctor claims is the trigger. There were work issues, Kyle, Erik, and Kevin’s family birthday party, Kyle’s soccer game (they lost), and the stress of the Super Bowl debacle.

I take comfort in the fact John Elway is still the best Broncos QB of all time.

I went from Kyle’s game straight to work, and had the heat set to its highest setting. I was shivering and my teeth were chattering. I couldn’t get warm. Worse still, the rash on my hip and left leg was so bad it hurt to put weight on it. All in all, it was a very bad day.

As most of you know, the cellulitis usually lasts a few days. I’ll try to get posts out, but I can’t promise anything. I suspect I’ll be spending my days off in bed.

They Saved Hitler’s Beer

Nazi Guinness PosterGuinness, one of my favorite beers of all time, planned to ply their trade in Nazi Germany, and even sketched out ads featuring the Wermacht and swastikas.

Drawn by John Gilroy, who produced most of the company’s classic advertising, the collection was produced in 1936, the same year as the Berlin Olympics.

One picture features a Wehrmacht soldier holding a pint with the caption, ‘It’s time for a Guinness’, while another features toucans with beer glasses balanced on their beaks flying above the Olympic stadium which is draped in Swastika flags.

It would have been Hitler’s perfect alibi: “It’s Guinness’ fault we got drunk and invaded Poland!”

Grandma Got Run Over By A Beer Truck

Rosie PateMeet Rosie Pate. Rosie is accused of calling 911 to ask police assistance in getting beer. Now ladies and gentlemen, I ask you; does this look like a woman who is desperate for alcohol?

A grandmother in Memphis was jailed this week after officials say she called 911 for “police assistance in getting a beer.”

Rosie Pate, 68, told local news station WREG that the allegations are false. “I have lived to be 68 years old and I never dialed no police to bring me beer,” she told the station.

The criminal complaint states that Pate got into an argument with her granddaughter and slapped her because she wouldn’t buy Pate a beer. Pate told WREG she called the cops and told them about the argument, but she wasn’t asking them for alcohol.

No, she was probably asking for alcohol, cigarettes, and some corrective surgery for the Marty Feldman eye thing she’s got going on.

It’s New Year’s Eve…

Drunk 2014

So I assume all of you people with lives will be out and about this evening.

(My more loveable drunks are already three martinis deep. Lookin’ at you, Dr. Evil!)

I, on the other hand, will be working this evening, and dodging bullets on the way home. (Philly residents believe this is town is Kabul-East, and firing guns into the air is an appropriate celebration.) The missus and I don’t go out on NYE – actually, we rarely go out at all – so before you hit the road, I wanted to be Debbie Downer.

If you’re going to drink, make sure you have a designated driver/taxi/wheelbarrow. In 19 years on this job, I have encountered my fair share of drunk drivers, and more than my fair share of the corpses left in their wake.

Please don’t drink and drive. /sermon

Country Roads Take Me Home…


…To West Virginia! As Wyatt knows I visited the grand state of West Virgina this past weekend. I did not go to judge a beard contest or Ms. Miner, or partake in the state’s excellent tradition of…blank… I went to see the Texas Longhorns trash the West Virginia Mountaineers! Wearing Texas orange all weekend, I did not see the cold greeting I expected. Most people were very cool to me. But where to really begin the story…

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