Category Archives: Al-key-hol

Pearls Before WIne

Bottles Of WineDoctors are warning the middle-aged away from drinking wine at night, claiming it may cause health problems later. Hear that, ya lousy drunks?

The middle-aged are to be warned by GPs not to share a bottle of wine a night because they think they have “earned a rest.” Guidelines from the health watchdog NICE tells doctors to urge patients in their 50s and 60s to take more exercise, lose weight and cut back on alcohol to prevent dementia and other illnesses.

Importantly, GPs will be told to inform patients that even sticking within the Government’s safe alcohol guidelines of two units a day for women and three for men raises the risk of future illness.

Pfft, then drink it when the sun is up. Who’s up for a day load?

By the way, I love how the UK Daily Mail defines “middle-aged” as folks in their 50s and 60s. As if you see tons of 120-year olds running around.

Wake Up To Awesomeness!

Coffee Flavored Friends Fun Wine

Cathy, Easily Lost, MelP, and Mollie, your dreams have come true!

Friends Fun Wine (sounds like a great name to market to kids) are coffee flavored wines with about as much alcohol as a moderate beer. They come in a can. Your mom will love them. Unfortunately, they don’t contain any caffeine. They screwed that up.

Pfft, who needs caffeine when you can be buzzed before Corn Flakes?

Thomas The Tanked Engine

Lynsey Horne

Meet Alabama’s Lynsey Horne. Lynsey’s turn-ons include knitting, long walks on the beach, and passing out underneath a moving train.

On Wednesday morning, the Auburn Police Division received several calls from concerned citizens who believed that a woman had been struck by an oncoming train. When police officers arrived, they did find a woman lying on railroad tracks, but it didn’t appear she had been hit. Why? She was fast asleep and seemingly unscathed.

That’s right, 22-year-old Lynsey Horne of Salem, Alabama, the woman that police found, was sound asleep on the railroad tracks, apparently unaware that a train had passed over her. Ms. Horne was arrested and charged with public intoxication and disorderly conduct, the disorderly conduct because of the disruption she caused. (H/T – L-Frame)

From the looks of her, this isn’t the first time someone’s run a train on her. POW!

The Great White Grope

Barney Gumble Punches Wade Boggs

A man was celebrating the Ace of Spades HQ lifestyle during a flight from Philadelphia to London this week, with predictable results.

A drunken, unruly airline passenger groped three women before air marshals arrested him and the London-bound plane turned back to Philadelphia. Robert John Coppack, 40, of La Verne, California, will remain in custody until a detention and probable cause hearing.

According to an FBI affidavit, two women sitting with Coppack complained about his behavior on the overnight US Airways flight Tuesday, prompting the crew to steer him toward the back of the plane. Coppack then groped a retired flight attendant as he walked down the aisle.

Coppack, who told his seatmates he had been drinking vodka, was also aggressive and verbally abusive. He was detained on board by an air marshal on the flight, and later charged with intimidating the crew and interfering with their work.

First of all, ladies, if you don’t want to be groped, spend the extra money and fly first class. You’ll still be groped, but by a better class of people. Second, if you don’t want guys acting like, well… guys, stop serving alcohol on flights. Or better yet, serve Milwaukee’s Best and Iron City Light. You’ll see incidents like this disappear overnight.

Reese Is Falling To Pieces

Drunken Reese WitherspoonWhile I could take her or leave her as an actress, I have always liked Reese Witherspoon.

There are three reasons for this. 1. She’s smokin’ hot in a cute kind of way, 2. She also appears to be the shy, quiet girl who turns into Supertramp when the blinds are closed, and 3. She is a drinker. A big drinker. Alcoholics usually find me much more attractive than sober women.

In the video, Reese – who appears to be visibly inebriated – struggles to pronounce Cara Delevingne’s name, whilst huddled in an elevator along with Zooey Deschanel, Kate Upton, and Tennessee Thomas.

Tennessee Thomas? Is she any relation to Tennessee Tuxedo?

“I love you Kara, I mean Cara,” the actress begins as she looks down at her phone in a child-like manner. Adding: “If you force me to say your last name, I’ll be f****ed,” adding: “I don’t know what your f***ing name is.”

Reese then said: “That’s super French. Delevingne,” and ended the conversation with “You know what’s the most important thing in a name for a girl? Is that a man can whisper it into his pillow.”

Okay ladies, what the f**k does that mean? Is she completely sh*t-faced, or is the pillow comment something which makes your heart race? Inquiring minds want to know.

PA Woman Gets A True Shotgun Wedding

Christina George-HarvanMeet Christina George-Harvan. Christina had a fairy tale wedding day, which included a dashing husband, a delicious cake, and a homicide charge.

The blushing bride will embark on her honeymoon after serving her life sentence.

A Pennsylvania bride accused of killing her niece after the wedding has been ordered to stand trial on homicide and aggravated assault charges. Charges against 30-year-old newlywed Christina George-Harvan were sent to Beaver County court after her preliminary hearing Friday. She is being held without bail.

Heh, heh, Beaver County.

Prosecutors allege George-Harvan, of Conway, shot 21-year-old Katelyn Francis on April 24 as they left a bar in New Brighton, about 30 miles north of Pittsburgh. The wedding was held earlier that day. Police said the newlyweds and Francis were arguing about who would be the designated driver when the bride picked up a gun from her husband’s truck and shot Francis, of Fairmont, W.Va.

Holy crap, those PSA’s were right; if you don’t appoint a designated driver, people will die!

Hamster? I Hardly Know Her!

Nicole Elizabeth HueyMeet Nicole Elizabeth Huey, the pride of Oregon. You may not know it to look at her, but Nicole’s interests include alcohol, long walks on the beach, and small furry animals.

An Oregon woman who pled guilty to driving under the influence with a hamster on her lap has completed a diversion program. Nicole Elizabeth Huey, 29, was stopped with the furry animal on her lap by Beaverton police officers shortly after 12:30am on October 16, 2012.

Beaverton? Really? Oh come on, they made that up!

Huey reportedly told officers she was going to a local store. When she got out of the car, Huey left the hamster on the dashboard.

I guess that’s safer than putting it where Saturday’s watch thief placed it…

Johnnie Walker Dead

Dock Street Walker Brain Beer

Thanks to a Philadelphia company, beer – like salmon – is now a brain food.

Zombies are known for indulging in certain delicacies such as warm human flesh and brains. Brains are the caviar of the zombie diet. If you’re going to brew a zombie-inspired beer, you might as well go all in and add some braaaaains along with the graaaaains. That’s what the Dock Street Brewing Company in Philadelphia did.

Dock Street’s Walker is an American pale stout. The ingredient list looks pretty mundane at first. It includes wheat, oats, flaked barley, and organic cranberries. Oh by the way, it also uses smoked goat brains. That means Walker isn’t suitable for vegetarians, or anybody who’s squeamish about drinking something made with goat brains. (H/TEasily Lost)

My first thought upon reading this was, “Kill it with fire!,” but upon further review, a brain beer would probably have a full (dead) body, and a reanimated taste.

Prison Shake

Maura FussellMeet Maura Fussell. Maura really loves her husband. She also loves her alcohol. Sometimes, she gets to love both at the same time.

A Reston, Va., woman faces indecent exposure and public drunkenness charges after she allegedly showed up to visit her husband in Arlington County Jail wearing only her birthday suit.

Maura Fussell’s husband had been arrested earlier Saturday. Police said Fussell came to visit her husband during the evening, but they aren’t sure if she showed up naked, or merely disrobed upon arriving at the Arlington Magistrate’s Office.

When she refused to get dressed, the cops gave the 26-year-old a choice: Let them call her a cab home, or spend the night in jail. She took the latter.

Okay, she’s a hot mess – emphasis on hot – but someone who drinks that much is bound to find me attractive!

The Brotherhood Of The Traveling Pants

Bryan HillThis may be hard for you to believe, but there have been times where I got all hopped up and made some bad decisions. Now while I may have vomited out a second-story window, I never wore a pair of pants on my head.

An intoxicated Indiana man found passed out in the driver’s seat of his car was in his underwear, had on one sock, and was wearing his pants like a shirt. Bryan Hill, 24, was behind the wheel of a 2013 Honda yesterday when police found the vehicle blocking traffic, according to an Indianapolis Metropolitan Police Department report.

As detailed by a cop, Hill, seen in the adjacent mug shot, was “wearing only a t-shirt, underwear and one sock.” The officer added that Hill “did have pants on, but they were on his arms. Both arms were inserted into the legs of his jeans.”

That’s right, laugh now; by year’s end this guy will be the world’s foremost fashion designer.