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Once Again, I’m The Butt Of The Joke

By Wyatt Earp | December 17, 2010

EDITOR’S NOTE: This entire post is probably TMI. Read at your own peril.

UPDATE: I’m back. The gruesome details are at the end of the post.

Three weeks ago, I mentioned the rash of misfortunes I was exposed to in one terrible week. Most of them involved my health, or lack thereof. Apparently for me, 41 is the new 81. I’m falling apart, and truth be told, I didn’t have half these troubles when I was a fat bastard. Any hoo, I went for a three-month checkup on Wednesday, and while my cholesterol bloodwork was good, I was borderline anemic – again. I had been walking that tightrope for a year now, but recent events brought it to a head.

You see, for the better part of the last two weeks, I have been receiving a little something extra when I, um, “drop some friends off at the pool.” Namely, blood. (Told you it was TMI.) This has been disconcerting, especially with the anemia issues. I brought it up with the doc on Wednesday, and he told me what I already knew . . .

I have to get a colonoscopy. Yep, the dreaded apparatus.

My doc called the GI doc – who is a personal friend of his – and asked him to put me on the emergency list. He didn’t want me waiting until after the holidays, especially if there is serious health issue at play. The GI doc agreed, and my appointment is scheduled for today. Yesterday, I had to drink the “prep,” which is akin to Liquid Draino. It’s supposed to “free” my intestines of all solids. I am writing this post on Wednesday night, so I can’t give you the play-by-play of that lovely image, but the GI nurse told me that I would be spending most of my night in the bathroom.

This is powerfully uncool because Kyle’s Christmas Band Concert was last night – and I’ll be missing it.

So, by the time you read this post, I may already be getting “probed.” I’m trying to make light of this, but to be honest, I’m a worrier. If you can reach out to the Man Upstairs – again – I’d appreciate it.

I’ll update everyone as soon as I can sit in front of a computer again.

POST-EXAM UPDATE: Okay, that wasn’t bad at all. The colonoscopy, I mean. The “colon draino” prep last night sucked, but the procedure was very tolerable. When they took me back, I had to get naked except for socks – just like when I have sex! – and put on the gown, slippers, and hair net. I came out, ass swaying in the breeze, and they set me up on the gurney. The nurses – Wayne and Carol – were fantastic. They took my vitals, put in my IV, and told me to relax as best I could.

The anesthetist and the GI doc came out and explained what was going to happen. In short, they were going to stick a camera into my tush and take an up close and personal look at my colon – noting any abnormalities that may have contributed to the bloody stool. The anesthetist said I would be asleep for the entire event, but as usual, I expected to wake up halfway through.

Didn’t happen.

They rolled me onto my left side and the anesthetist gave me two IV injections. The first did nothing until the second was given. He said the second dose may sting but I would be out immediately after. I remember saying, “You’re right, it stings.” And then I was out.

I woke up in the recovery area and the nurse – who was really attractive – said she needed me to break wind. Apparently, the docs shoot some air up there and I had to get the gas out in a way only men can enjoy. So, while I was on the gurney letting them rip, the doc came by. He said that there was no visible polyps or any other distressing issues, and the bleeding was coming from – you guessed it – hemorrhoids. He asked if I had any pain when I was sitting and I told him I don’t. He ordered me some meds to take care of things, but said the good news was there weren’t any warning signs up there. That made me feel better.

The only real not-so-good news was that I can’t do anything vigorous for three days – which means I’ll have to miss my hockey games on Sunday and Monday. Dang.

So, barring any other issues, I won’t have to get another colonoscopy for nine years. Thanks for the prayers, good wishes, and snark. It is much appreciated. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna lie down for a while.

Sorry about the TMI, but if nothing else, it just goes to show how I’ll do anything – including embarrassing myself – to keep you folks entertained.

Topics: All About Wyatt | 57 Comments »

57 Responses to “Once Again, I’m The Butt Of The Joke”

  1. Jon Brooks Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:10 am

    Had a talk with the guy upstairs for ya Wyatt, and he told me no problemo…butt…I mean ..but..the Dr’s will be replaced with alien greys who said they will do the probes for free.

  2. Picky Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:28 am

    My wife had the same symptoms: borderline anemic, bleeding, etc. She got a colonoscopy a few months ago (along with a minor repair procedure so she should need Prep H anymore, IYKWIMAITYD). Now she’s all better.

    I’m a nurse on a GI floor, Wyatt. You’ll be fine.

  3. RogerDee1 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:29 am

    I hope everything’s alright(.. get ready… here it comes…) in the end. A little prayer for you, my friend!!

  4. Sully Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:42 am

    I’ve had ulcerative colitis for nearly 20 years so this is old hat for me… It’s most likely just a hemehroid.

    If the blood is dark as opposed to the usual red, then worry.

  5. Jim Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:49 am

    Just one request . . . DO NOT POST PICTURES!

    Seriously, prayers said.

  6. JimB Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Best of luck with this Wyatt… By now you know the worst part is the prep..

  7. bob (either orr) Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 8:37 am

    Prayers duly offered.

  8. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 8:45 am

    Let us know if they find your head.
    (Sorry, I couldn’t help myself.)

    Prayers sent, fingers crossed,
    you’re going to be just fine.

  9. Kim Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:14 am

    Prayers said. BTW, you are not the only one I know whose health fell apart after losing a bunch of weight. A friend of mine suffered bradycardia (her heart rate would drop down into the 30s) and no one could figure out why. This went on for about a year before her body finally fixed itself.

    I’m going to see my friend today since I’m in Indiana and will pass along prayer requests to her as well. I am also going to tell her what I am about to tell you.

    While two data points does not a trend make, I am taking it as a sign that losing weight is a bad thing.

  10. Robert B. Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:16 am

    Prayers said, Wyatt. Keep looking up. (I know, bad joke.)

  11. JT Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:22 am

    Let’s see…..

    The week started off with whatsername and ends with your posterior.

    Parentheses ?

    Yeah, okay, you’re in my prayers.

    There aren’t many good blogs around.

  12. Picky Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:23 am

    While two data points does not a trend make, I am taking it as a sign that losing weight is a bad thing.

    Kim: I like it. I really like it.

  13. Dr. Evil Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:29 am

    I’m sorry to hear all that Wyatt, especially that you missed Kyle’s concert. That sucks buddy, I know you’d have killed to be there. Sorry to buddy about the health problems, I’ve had to have a similar ‘procedure’ before. It really heaves camels but you cannot put a price on your health…

    …on the lighter side: As I said, I have done something similar in the past. The mental image of you on the crapper as your body does it’s “Spring Cleaning” is just hilarious. Did you pray for it to end? Sweat everywhere? hahahahahahhahahahahaaaaaa!

    Once again, I’m sorry.

  14. Dr. Evil Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:33 am

    Just read Ms. Crankipants comment. All I can say to that is: Bwaahahahahahahaahahahahahahahahaaaaaa!

    Oh, and I tried talking to the big guy upstairs…he wouldn’t answer. However, my cohort Satan assures me you’ll be just fine. And he has a spot on the couch saved for you. At least you’ll be sitting next to me.

  15. AJ Lynch Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:40 am

    You got it Wyatt- and you are overdue for some good news!

  16. Bob G. Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 9:45 am

    From your keyboard to us to God’s ears, okay?
    We have your six.

    Stay strong.
    Stay safe.

  17. PhillipC Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 10:57 am

    Hope it all comes out okay. I feel for you, I’m turning 42 in a few months and just know that they’re going to try to tell me I need one of those before too long.

    Good luck.

  18. Wes S. Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 11:29 am

    Good luck, Wyatt.

  19. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 11:34 am

    Jon – Hopefully, they’re more E.T. than Predator. Appointment was moved back to 2pm. The nurse called and said (I swear to God): “The doctor is running a little behind.”

    Picky – Thanks. I don’t have hemorrhoids as far as I know, but I guess we’ll see.

    Roger – Well played, sir.

    Sully – No, it’s been red so far. My doc said you can’t say “It’s nothing,” without taking the scope.

    Jim – No worries. Streaming video, baby!

    Jim B – No kidding. I was on the throne for almost two hours straight last night and a little over an hour this morning. Imagine the weight I lost!

    Bob – Many thanks.

    Mrs. Crankipants – I’m just hoping the doc doesn’t leave his car keys in there.

    Kim – It also doesn’t help that I have had terrible luck recently, so it’s a combination.

    Robert B – Well, I’m certainly not looking back!

    JT – In the event of my untimely demise, I leave the blog to Code Monkey and Mrs. Crankipants. They are the only two people on earth snarky enough to post here for the long term.

    Picky – She definitely is on to something.

    Dr. Evil – get a seat by the bar. I’ll need Guinness in Hell. And if I can describe the “prep,” it most resembles Jeff Daniels on the terlet in Dumb and Dumber.

    AJ – I’ll be happy if they just explain the blood. Good or bad, it’s the mystery that bothers me.

    Bob G – I’ll be stronger when I can eat! I haven’t had solid food since Wednesday.

    PhillipC – I hear the procedure isn’t a big deal. The prep – colon cleanse – is not something I want to do again.

    Wes S. – Thanks much!

  20. CMouse Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 11:39 am

    Since I’m 52, my doctor has been barking at me for two years to have this procedure. The cleaning is the worst. As for the actual test, I slept through the whole thing.
    I will also say a prayer for you Wyatt that you are returned to health.

  21. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:05 pm

    CMouse – Thanks. I’ll post an update after the scoping.

  22. Crazy Politico Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:09 pm

    Hope the scope goes well and is well lubed. BTW, eat liver (bad for cholesterol) and lots of raisins.

  23. dragonlady474 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:15 pm

    Good God! I think we should all mail you a rabbit’s foot, four leaf clover and a horseshoe.
    Seriously, I’ll be praying! Hope everything comes out okay (sorry…couldn’t resist).

  24. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:16 pm

    “borderline anemic” Stay the heck away from the border! Dude, I thought there were a couple of posts where you sound like less of a “red blooded American”!

    Seriously, hope all goes well. See if you can find a nice dramatic score for the video! (But no subtitles!)

  25. RT Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    Prayers said, buddy.

  26. piperfromtn Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:21 pm

    My night before colonoscopy routine is to watch an old gritty western, like The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

    At least this way, I feel better knowing that there isn’t some dirty son-of-a-bitch trying to kill me.

    Mrs. Crankipants-that’s funny.

  27. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 12:22 pm

    CP – Liver? Blecch. Although I like raisins.

    DL474 – It already did with the colon cleanse prep.

    Proof – I was thinking Slovak subtitles just to spare everyone the gruesome details.

    RT – Thanks.

    Piper – Great film. I watched the lame Chargers/49ers game last night and hit the bed early. Had to be up by 9am to go through the second prep.

  28. Uncle Ray Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:00 pm

    What do you mean “When you were a fat bastard”?
    What changed? Seriously though, Shirley, it’s a colonoscopy, not friggin’ brain surgery! The latter of which you have a “lack thereof” as well. Anyway, good luck, Cowgirl!

  29. Ingineer66 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:02 pm

    Good luck I am hope everything works out fine. My father in law had to have one and also where they do the same thing down your throat. He asked the doctor if they were going to drive a golden spike when they met in the middle.

    Take a USB drive and ask for the video so you can post it.

  30. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:03 pm

    I’ve got a name for the video: “Wyatt’s Least Excellent Adventure”

  31. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:14 pm

    We can work on the soundtrack together.
    We’ll start with “The Long and Winding Road”.

  32. dragonlady474 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:21 pm

    If I may offer up a song for the soundtrack, Judas Priest’s “Ram it Down”. :)

  33. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:23 pm

    “The Long and Winding Road”? I like it!
    I am having a little trouble reading the screen play, though, because of the punctuation. It goes
    “The subject (colon), Wyatt Earp (colon)…”

  34. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:27 pm

    Wyatt: Did they give you that new coffee flavored enema: GI Joe?

    Maybe we can work in a cameo of the assisting nurse, GI Jane?

  35. Jon Brooks Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:42 pm

    What about the… um pa pa song…done with tuba?

  36. hutch1200 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 1:52 pm

    Man, what a $hitty thing to happen to a fine man. I texted the “Man” for ya. On the bright side, be glad this happened before Barry-Care kicked in. You’d bleed out before getting through the voice prompts.

  37. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 2:05 pm

    DL474- Great! We’ve got Track 2!

    I’d also like to add Queen’s “Fat Bottom Girls”.
    For the scene during the procedure, Frank Sinatra singing “Please Be Kind”.

  38. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 2:07 pm

    Mrs. C: A new one for the soundtrack:
    Jim Morrison: The End.

  39. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 2:33 pm

    How about “Back Door Man”?

  40. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 2:35 pm

    BTW- The Willie Dixon version, not The Doors.

  41. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 2:47 pm

    Mrs. C, you really should take him dinner after this ordeal. Maybe a nice rump roast?

  42. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:08 pm

    Actually Proof, I just bought some Boston Butt, I make a mean pulled pork sandwich. Sunday afternoon, my place, if you’re not doing anything special…..

  43. Dr. Evil Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:16 pm

    How about Linkin Park’s “In the End” for the soundtrack. Of course we can’t overlook The Smashing Pumpkins: “The End is the Beginning is the End.”

  44. dragonlady474 Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:38 pm

    How about, “You don’t bring me flowers anymore”. heh

  45. John D Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:45 pm

    “Yesterday, I had to drink the ‘prep,’ which is akin to Liquid Draino.”

    Hey, that reminds me of a movie quote (big surprise, right?):

    It’s true what they say: Cops and women don’t mix. It’s like eating a spoonful of Drano. Sure it’ll clean you out, but it’ll leave you hollow inside.”

    -Lt. Frank Drebin (Leslie Nielsen), The Naked Gun: From the Files of Police Squad! (1988)

    I always suspected that Frank Drebin was based on you, Wyatt. :)

    But seriously, dude, I’ll keep my fingers crossed that it’s only a hemorrhoid or some other non-serious thing.

  46. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Nice selections Dr. Evil!

    DL474, that would be perfect for the scene at the end when he’s walking back to his car.

    And John- We’re on a deadline, so we need you to find out the name of the tuba song.

  47. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 3:47 pm

    Mrs. C: Not sure I’m ready to have my pork pulled this weekend, but thanks for the invite!

    (Why does it sound dirty when I say that?)

  48. Ralph Short Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 4:43 pm

    Hang in there Wyatt, a prayer for you.

  49. Rob in Katy Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 4:47 pm

    I just had the procedure…man are you in for hell! Dropped you an email with pictures :)

  50. proof Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 5:05 pm

    I had the procedure done too. All I can say is, after the first hour, they called off the search for Jimmy Hoffa!

  51. outsidephilly Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 5:20 pm

    …, I am trusting God to give your doctor steady hands today
    …, I am trusting God to take away your anxiety

  52. Lou Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 6:05 pm

    I’m only 42 and I’ve had two scopes and “the finger” too many times to count. I think my doctor just likes me :P

    I’m praying that it’s nothing, Wyatt. Sending good vibes…

  53. nancy pelosi Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 6:28 pm

    I highly recommend drinking the blood of virgins to combat anemia.

  54. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Uncle Ray – Yeah, “brain” surgery would have been easier.

    Ingineer66 – There were a few photos attached on my discharge papers. Not pretty.

    Proof – Not a bad title, considering.

    Mrs. Crankipants – And here we go.

    DL474 – Et tu, DragonLady?

    Jon – How German of you.

    Hutch1200 – Yeah, with ObamaCare I could have gotten a date sometime in 2022.

    Dr. Evil – Smashing Pumpkins before Linkin Park.

    John D – I’m not as good looking as Drebin, but thanks. And that’s exactly what it was: hemorrhoids.

    Ralph – Thanks!

    Rob – Ooo, can’t wait to see those!

    OutsidePhilly – Thanks much! Went off without a hitch.

    Lou – Thanks, man. Much better than I imagined. No pain at all.

    Nancy – Shouldn’t you be in your BOTOX center?

  55. Kim Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:12 pm

    Thankful that it is nothing. By the way, I thought you were supposed to deal with the hemorrhoids of society. Not develop them.

  56. Wyatt Earp Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:16 pm

    Kim – Maybe they’re contagious?

  57. John D Says:
    December 17th, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    Great news, Wyatt. Glad to hear it’s nothing serious. BTW, when I had my tailpipe scoped a few years ago, I woke up during the procedure. Trust me, you didn’t miss much by sleeping through it.