A Christmas Rant
By Wyatt Earp | December 27, 2009
So, while driving to Randal’s house last night, the missus put Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer into the car’s DVD player. As it played for the kids, we had to listen to the audio.
Ya know, it’s kind of an awful story.
Rudolph is born with, well, a deformity. His father, Donner, shows his love and acceptance by covering the nose and pretending it doesn’t exist? Why? Because he’s embarrassed. The boss man – Santa – comes by and basically stares at the freak before singing a sing and beating feet. Donner, ever the overbearing father, pushes Rudolph to try and make the reindeer team, even though he doesn’t really want to work for the Fat Man.
The scene then cuts to a bunch of reindeer playing and joking around. Rudolph is popular with the boys and the girls, and everyone is happy – until Rudolph’s “hideous deformity” is exposed. The “coach” of the reindeer games, as well as the participants, make fun of Rudolph so much that he wants to run away from home.
The rest of the DVD is a lot of fluff about acceptance and other such nonsense until Christmas Eve comes along. The Fat Man is dealing with a driving snowstorm, replete with show, wind, and fog. Worried about the possibility of missing his deliveries, he asks Rudolph to lead his sleigh.
If I were Rudolph, I would have told him to go frak himself. Santa didn’t have any time for him when the skies were clear, and only wants to be his pal now because he needs something? Screw that! The other reindeer are just as bad. They ignore and ridicule Rudolph to the point of tears, but now they all want to kiss his ass because he’s Santa’s flavor of the month? Frak them, too!
In the real world. Rudolph would have walked into the toy shop with a duffel bag full of guns and pulled a Columbine. I’m just sayin’.
Topics: Evil = Funny | 22 Comments »
December 27th, 2009 at 7:25 pm
I don’t even know what to say.
December 27th, 2009 at 7:33 pm
RT – Yeah, my mind is a tad “askew.”
December 27th, 2009 at 8:01 pm
Donner made him wear a prosthetic nose, what the hell was that all about? Rudolph should have negotiated a new contract with a $1,500 signing bonus, 12 percent wage hike over five Christmases, no change in employee contributions to the medical plan, and mandatory sensitivity training for the other reindeer.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:15 pm
This is one of the best posts I’ve ever read on here Wyatt.
Hahahaha this made my day.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:30 pm
Mrs. Crankipants – Donner was the North Pole’s version of Joe Jackson (Jacko’s father).
Andrew – Thanks. The snark was flowing freely.
December 27th, 2009 at 10:34 pm
I LIKE your take on it…
Does that make me a sicko too???
December 27th, 2009 at 11:47 pm
Uh, yeah! Wyatt’s only saving virtue is the Beale posts, cough haven’t seen one in a while, cough. but the rest of y’all are just crackers!
December 27th, 2009 at 11:49 pm
Cripes, not crackers like white crackers, like co-co puffs
December 28th, 2009 at 12:05 am
Rudolf should have gotten the ACLU involved, and you’d think the reindeers and elves would have some sort of local union outfit.
December 28th, 2009 at 12:11 am
Old NFO – Probably, but you’re in good company here.
Rob – I know what you meant. Heh.
Smite – Teamsters. They could break Santa’s thumbs.
December 28th, 2009 at 12:21 am
As bad as this was, there was a new one the other night, where an illegitimate reindeer goes to the North Pole to find his real father, who left him and his mother, among Santa’s flying sleigh pullers . He finds him (after his Dad denies the relationship) , but then he goes back home to his mom and his adoptive father the flying squirrel.
I. Kid. You. Not.
December 28th, 2009 at 12:58 am
Just wait until you have to start watching the Disney Princess movies with your daughter.
December 28th, 2009 at 9:30 am
Watch any of those kid shows now and I’ll just bet you find those hidden meanings that we missed as youngsters. Another one is Nestor the Long Eared Christmas Donkey. Or how about Santa Claus is Comin’ to Town. Widespread ban on TOYS because one person got injured. Remind you of anything?
December 28th, 2009 at 10:05 am
Just when I lose hope, here comes our local gunfighter with an inspiring and enlightening perspective on a Christmas classic. Still love you in Topeka!!!
December 28th, 2009 at 11:13 am
I have to agree, it’s very mean. I feel the same way about the Peanuts. Merry Christmas Wyatt
December 28th, 2009 at 12:03 pm
Proof – My God, what have they done to Christmas?
CM – Oh yeah, I just cannot wait.
GroovyVic – Art imitates life.
Deb – Thanks, Deb! Good to hear from you. Hope you have a terrific holiday!
The Girl – Yeah, who the Hell leaves grade-schoolers home on the holidays?
December 28th, 2009 at 1:03 pm
I’m reminded of an old Gary Larson The Far Side cartoon.
Rudolph is sitting in an easy chair reading a newspaper. There is a rifle propped up behind the chair. There are eight reindeer heads on the wall.
Caption: All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.
December 28th, 2009 at 3:33 pm
My husband’s been saying the same thing for years.
December 28th, 2009 at 8:21 pm
Echosix – That’s fantastic! I really miss The Far Side.
Stacy – He is a brilliant man.
December 28th, 2009 at 11:02 pm
“Rudolph is sitting in an easy chair reading a newspaper. There is a rifle propped up behind the chair. There are eight reindeer heads on the wall.
Caption: All of the other reindeer used to laugh and call him names.”
I have that t-shirt. It’s by far my favorite. FYI though, I don’t think it was done Larson, but it’s definitely in his style.
December 29th, 2009 at 12:35 pm
TCK – Yes, it is. Larson is/was a genius.
April 30th, 2010 at 8:29 am
TCK,
I have been looking for that tee shirt for the last 15 years! It is indeed a classic. Can you tell me where I can find it? Thanks so much.