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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | May 26, 2009

detective-shield1When working in one of the busiest detective divisions in Philadelphia, one would assume that the worst people to deal with would be the criminals. This is not always the case. Sadly, the worst people to deal with are the arrogant, rich, uber-liberal residents of Chestnut Hill. Most of these people do not like police officers because we spend our days harassing poor, misguided youths who just need a stern talking to.

Sometimes, their entire outlook changes when they are a victim of a crime – but not always. Take, for example, this conversation I had with one of these folks today:

Me: “Detective division, may I help you?”
Mommy: “Yes, I am calling on behalf of my son. He wants to know how he can drop the charges.”

Me: “Well, he cannot drop the charges until he goes to court. He will have to tell the judge that he does not want to go through with the prosecution.”
Mommy: “Oh dear. That means he will have to take off from work. Isn’t there an easier way, like writing a letter or something?”

Me: “Uh, no ma’am. The judge will have to hear it from him.”
Mommy: “Okay. My son wants to drop the charges because he found out that the person who stole from him was on probation. He doesn’t want the person to go to jail.”

(Cue the sound of my head exploding.)

Me: “You realize, ma’am, that if he drops the charges because he feels sorry for him, and the person ends up shooting or killing someone . . .”
Mommy: “Oh, I didn’t think about that, but I mean, it is only a theft.”

Me: “Every career criminal starts somewhere, ma’am. Today it’s theft, tomorrow it’s rape. But hey, he can do what he wants, right?”
Mommy: “Um . . . Well, thank you for your help, detective.”

That truly sad part of this story is that Mommy’s liberal hippie son will still drop the charges. The toad will be set free to prey on the citizens of Philadelphia, all because this dope feels sorry for him.

Ain’t life grand?

Topics: True Detective Stories | 14 Comments »

14 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. Easily Lost Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 8:33 pm

    I am so glad I don’t have to deal with people like that, because me being me, I would have told her sorry too late, done deal. But then I’m nice like that.

  2. Standin' John Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 8:42 pm

    Letting the punk off the charges will do no one anygood. The a-hole is on probation is on probation in the first place!

    If they want to do that punk a favor, press full charges and make the punishment so harsh that he would never dream about committing a crime again.

    But I don’t know squat about criminal justice and have never committed any real crime. I could be wrong, just my two cents.

  3. RT Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 8:54 pm

    Hey, I know that attitude. They must have relatives in the district where I teach.

    And if her son had been brutally beaten, they’d excuse away the behavior as a symptom of the thug’s up-bringing.

  4. Jon Brooks Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 9:06 pm

    I’d have told her:

    Me: You know ma’am should we lose the war on terror
    Sharia law will be implemented. In that case they
    will chop the poor little offenders hand off so if your
    son drops charges, and God forbid should that ever
    happen, your son will be culpable in rewarding the
    very behavior that will ultimately cost this punk his
    hand, at the very least. So I suggest that your son
    come up with even more things to charge him with
    in order to save his hand and possibly his head.

    Mummy: Uh..thank you for you help Detective.

    Think that might work? (Handing Wyatt a new role of duct tape just in case)

  5. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 9:37 pm

    Hello! He’s on probation because he’s a dirt bag. This isn’t his first ride on the merry-go-round. And this idiot feels sorry for the guy who stole from him? And he doesn’t want him to go to jail-WHY? Where should he go? To his mom’s house for tea and crumpets?

    Perhaps if Mr. Career Criminal spent a little time in the pokey, he may think twice the next time he feels like engaging in criminal activity. Or maybe we should just build a half-way house in Chestnut Hill for all of these “misunderstood” citizens.

  6. CaptainAmerica Says:
    May 26th, 2009 at 9:44 pm

    Ironic that smelly boy hippy didn’t have the maturity to call the Police Department himself. He had to have smelly mommy hippy call for him.

  7. Alan B Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 3:49 am

    I’m sure it wouldn’t work and this is only a dream but I can dream can’t I?

    How about prosecuting the boy and his mother for aiding and abetting in a criminal offense (viz theft), accessories after the fact, contempt of court, wasteing police time (not the ‘phone call but the time taken to put the case together that is about to go to court), action liable to lead to a breach of the peace (don’t you feel stirred up enough to hit somebody?).

    When the parolee steals again:
    accessories to theft, aiding and abetting a known criminal,
    etc etc

    Pity really that being stupid is not a federal offense …

    Come on! Be imaginative. Surely we can still dream or is that no longer allowed?

  8. Echosix Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 11:47 am

    RT Says:

    And if her son had been brutally beaten, they’d excuse away the behavior as a symptom of the thug’s up-bringing.

    At least no one would have been hurt.

    I had that argument with my uberlibtard ex-wife once. I agreed to never defend her. I said I would stand by and watch as she was murdered, then kill the perp in revenge. It would give me a clearer shot.

    She was pissed.

    If I was the prosecutor, I’d be tempted to question Mr Libtard thus:

    “Did the report you made to the police accurately represent the facts of your assault?”

    If he answered no, I would file felony charges against him for filing a false police report, and advise his assailant that he had grounds for a fat lawsuit. Libtard would probably beat it in the end, but at great expense.

    If he confirmed the police statement, I’d proceed with the charges, and subpoena his rotten arse.

  9. Snowflakes in Hell » Blog Archive » Another Reason The City Won’t Change Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 12:15 pm

    [...] Wyatt encounters a person who wants to drop charges because they feel sorry for the criminal.  These are the same people to vote for judges who turn criminals back out on the streets to pillage.  These are also the same people are are OK with cutting cops on the street first, rather than last.  I expect Philadelphia will follow Toledo in this regard. [...]

  10. K Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 12:53 pm

    I love these “True detective stories” from you. You should do them at least once a week.

    Can I get this kids address so I can steal something from him too knowing I could convince him not to press charges? (Im joking by the way, I have never stolen a thing in my life. Well except maybe a guy or two’s hearts lol)

  11. Wyatt Earp Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 2:07 pm

    E.L. – Technically, it is too late. Most judges will tell the son to get bent, and the court hearing will proceed. I like to give them false hope, then giggle at the rude awakening.

    I’m evil like that.

    Standin’ John – My point exactly. If this toad gets of with no charges, he will just become emboldened for the next time.

    RT – The toad – and this family – needs a wake-up call to reality, post haste!

    Jon – I tried to be as snarky as possible without offending her. No reason to get a complaint against me because a woman is stupid.

    Mrs. Crankipants – This woman’s attitude – and her son’s – is exactly what is wrong with America today. It is also why the criminal justice system is in such disarray.

    Captain – She said he was “at work.” He is probably one of Obama’s “community organizers.”

    Alan B – I like it, and I would like to subscribe to your newsletter! :)

    Echosix – I think he agrees that the theft happened, but he wants leniency for the poor, troubled black man. Smart move, there. /snark.

    K – Hearts? Ooh, now I’m intrigued!

  12. Lergnom Says:
    May 27th, 2009 at 3:17 pm

    Heinlein once wrote that one day, a big city Mayor would declare his administration could no longer guarantee safety in the streets. At the time, it was in a work of fiction and I took it as unbelievable hyperbole.
    Wasn’t it the Mayor of Toledo who recently advised his constituents to arm themselves due to police cutbacks?

  13. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    May 29th, 2009 at 7:58 am

    There’s a story about former Inquirer columnist Steve Lopez’ 29 year old son who got jumped by three teenagers.

    “One kid tapped me on the shoulder and I turned around. I had a bad feeling about it,” he said. “The kid said, ‘Excuse me, do you know what time it is?’ The next thing I knew I was laying on the other side of the street, holding my face. He’d punched me in the face, presumably with brass knuckles.”

    At the time Andrew Lopez was looking for a job and had no health insurance, his injuries required surgery.

    But the craziest part?

    “You might be thinking that attacks like this, however troubling, happen pretty often in Philadelphia. And that most don’t get the attention this one will, because the victim is an educated white man with a prominent dad.

    Andrew Lopez would agree with you. He has thought a lot about what happened and has no interest in anger or retribution.

    “I’m not remotely angry at the kids who destroyed my face,” he said.

    “I feel like they probably have nowhere to go and nothing to do, and are in sort of a dead-end position in life . . . feel bad for them, and frightened for everyone, including them.”

  14. Hate Mail O’ The Week | Support Your Local Gunfighter Says:
    June 23rd, 2009 at 4:02 pm

    [...] “David” didn’t agree with one of my True Detective Stories. So, before he left his parent’s basement to get some marijuana-induced [...]