A Middie Back! Moment
By Wyatt Earp | October 20, 2005
As The Man can attest, my previous blog, Middie Back!, was comprised mostly of political diatribes and constant vitriolic secretions of bile. Every Friday was “People I Hate” day, where I took my anger out on the public, instead of putting it in the happy box. Thankfully, I am now a kindler, gentler blogger, who usually leaves politics and hatred to the experts (read: not me).
Today, however, we’re going back in time. Strap yourselves in.
Last night I sprint into roll call only to find out that my a**hole sergeant put me on the wagon. Normally, that would make me break out the duct tape for my skull, but I was paralyzed with rage. See, last week, I did the sergeants a huge favor by working inside. The usual toad was “off sick” (read: drunk, sleeping, or a combination of the two), and I had to bail them out. No problemo, but don’t immediately screw me afterwards.
Not only did the good (read: jerkoff) sergeant screw me last night, but he didn’t even grease me up, nor did he give me the common courtesy of a reach-around. As my partner and I were heading out to the wagon, we realize that last night was “bringdown” night. I verbalized my thoughts succinctly: “F**K!!!” On bringdown night, the district wagon must trek over to the prisons, load up the truck with the prisoners/human detritus, and bring them down to the district court. It’s about a three-hour job.
At 3am, we start over to the Detention Center. The guard meets us outside, and says that we can’t even enter the grounds until 5am – meaning any chance of us getting home on time is nixed. He tells us to park the wagon and “chill out” for two hours. Sure thing boss, ’cause these vans are just perfect for sleepin’. ASS!!!
Five o’clock rolls in, and I’m getting “the twitch.” Barney Fife lets us into the receiving area and we ask the flunky how long we’ll have to wait for the felons. “Oh, they won’t be down until at least 6am, guys. Have a seat and relax.” I verbalized my thoughts succinctly: “F**K!!!” Okay, I am disarmed in a lobby where prisoners are roaming free. Do ya think I’m gonna take a nap, you jackass?
The 6am guests of the state start trickling down, and we notice that three of our five scumbags are here. That’s when the next rocket scientist mentions that the other two are in the infirmary (and, no, Bill, I am guessing the doctor isn’t a hottie, like on Prison Break). It is gonna be at least fifteen more minutes. The time is now 6:30am, and we are supposed to report off at 7:15!
By 6:40, we are loaded and ready to go. Luckily, Gerry makes like Jeff Gordon and weaves in and out of rush hour traffic to get us to HQ by 7am. After herding the assclowns into their temporary cells, we make like sheep and get the flock outta there. My last comment to my partner was, “F**k this job!“
And f**k you, sarge! See if I ever do you a favor again.
Topics: Middie Back, True Police Stories | 13 Comments »
October 20th, 2005 at 8:37 am
I figured since you are hockey player you would have used the “Let’s make like a goalie and get the puck out of here.” line instead of the sheep line.
October 20th, 2005 at 8:56 am
Damn! That’s a good one. I am too enraged for conscious (and humorous) thought.
October 20th, 2005 at 11:01 am
Unfortunately you couldn’t have sentenced those losers then and there.
October 20th, 2005 at 12:05 pm
LOL! Feel better now?
October 20th, 2005 at 12:53 pm
Wow! No lube or reach around, eh?!
Wyatt, I’m sorry you had such a crummy night. I hope tonight is a better one for you.
Be safe.
October 20th, 2005 at 2:44 pm
While we are on the subject of the immortal Gunny Hartman:
“Private Pyle, I’m gonna give you three seconds, exactly three f$#kin’ seconds, to get those stupid a$$holes down in this truck, or I will gouge out your eyeballs and skull f$#k you!
– Wyatt to Detention Center Guard.
October 20th, 2005 at 6:07 pm
I’m sorry things went so bad for you last night. I kinda liked this post, the happy box apparently gets some doozies!
October 20th, 2005 at 7:10 pm
Peak – Nah, with my mood, it would have been death for all.
Prof – Actually, yes
Anon – Tonight can’t get much worse.
Insol – Greatest movie . . . ever!
SK – Yeah, but anger and bile doesn’t made for good reading every single day, so I let build up until I need to vent.
October 20th, 2005 at 10:12 pm
You vent well:)
October 20th, 2005 at 11:09 pm
Yes, you do vent well. Just don’t get ventilated!
October 21st, 2005 at 5:56 am
One of those days.
Great rand, Wyatt.
And, Full Metal Jacket does RULE!!!
October 21st, 2005 at 7:00 pm
Damn…I can feel your pain!! Not that I wish it on you, but you have to admit they do make for some rather interesting reads.
October 29th, 2005 at 3:10 pm
I got locked between the gates at RCF for a half hour a couple weeks ago. I think they were watching us from the fish bowl laughing.
I think they forget they have to drive through our bailiwick when they are running late for work.
We can make them wait awhile too.