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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | September 23, 2010

As regular readers know, most of my True Detective Stories involve either victims/complainants or the thugs who prey on them. Police officers and fellow detectives are not immune, but they are usually less idiotic than the others.

Not in this case. Please read the following completely true story and pity me, for I am a police detective.

While waiting for the end of our tour last night, two officers came into the division. Both have reputations that precede them. Reputations that are not flattering. The first officer, a tall thin man with a skull like an Easter Island statue, gives off a distinct “tough guy” image. Way too cool for the rest of us, he usually struts into the room, ignores the “little people” and goes about his business. The second officer, a short thin man, has a giant Napoleon complex. While standing only about 5’6″, he has ten feet of attitude. The man has only been on the force for a few years, but knows everything there is to know about the job. Just ask him, he’ll tell you.

So these two enter the room to see a group of us sitting near my desk. We’re passing the time talking about chicks, sports and Seinfeld, and stopped only to collectively roll our eyes at the tools. They brush past us and go about their business.

And then it happened.

Easter Island walked up to my desk, said nothing, and pointed over my shoulder. I turned around, expecting to see a spider or a co-worker giving me devil horns with his fingers, but there was nothing there. I looked back at Easter Island and he stares at me. Without saying a word.

Then he points again. I think to myself, “What the f**k is this jerkoff’s problem?” I refuse to turn around again, figuring if he wants something, he’ll open his frakkin’ mouth. Nope, he still points and stares.

It’s been about a minute and a half now and it’s getting really uncomfortable. I do not, however, give in. I stare back at him, wondering who will speak first. The guy points again, without a word.

Finally, he says, “Gimme that.” I turned around and he is pointing at the shelf. It is currently occupied by a roll of toilet paper – for cleaning the computer screens – scotch tape, and report books. I look back and was about to ask him what the f**k he wanted, since he was pointing at multiple items, when he pointed more directly at the t.p. It was raining and Easter Island’s glasses were wet, but that was not enough for him to clarify what he wanted or ask without being a douchebag. No “please,” just “Gimme that.”

I wanted to let this guy know – in my patented snarky sarcasm – that he was knee-deep in douchebaggery, but the lieutenant was right there. He probably wouldn’t look too kindly at my throwing the t.p. at Easter Island’s colossal head, so I handed it to him, without a word. Easter Island took it and walked away from my desk. Paralyzed with rage, I wanted to gauge the impressions of my fellow detectives. I have a rather short temper, so I wanted to know if I was justified in thinking this guy was a dick. Before I could ask, I heard the following:

“What a f**king asshole.”
“Mr. Tough Guy, huh?”
“Guy’s not a tool. He’s the whole f**king shed.”

A few moments later, Easter Island brings back the roll of t.p. and holds it out. I am reclining in my chair, so I wasn’t leaning up for this asshat – especially since he could just put it on the desk. Apparently, he wanted another battle of wills. I didn’t give him the satisfaction. I leaned toward him, grabbed my cellphone, turned away from him, and started searching for new ring-tones. Easter Island didn’t appreciate the snub – he’s important, after all – and after a few seconds, dropped the t.p. on my desk and left.

Now I ask you: If I shoved the t.p. down his throat, would any court convict me of assault?

Topics: True Detective Stories | 25 Comments »

25 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. He Said His Telephone Number Was 911 Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:20 pm

    Better yet, shove it up his colossal @$$. Just tell ‘em it was a hemorrhoid treatment, relieving you of a giant pain-in-the-ass.

  2. RT Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:29 pm

    No, because you would have been using it for its intended purpose. (I’d say more, but your aunt reads this.) :)

  3. Loaded Dice in Vegas Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:35 pm

    It’s good to know that assholes are assholes no matter where they are located. Reminds me of my time in the CPD circus.

  4. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 7:43 pm

    911 – Why didn’t I think of that at the time?

    RT – Cleaning up poop? Yep, that was the purpose.

    LDIV – I am starting to think that we can rival the CPD. Sad, huh?

  5. dragonlady474 Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 8:04 pm

    From now on you need to keep a box of tampons in your desk drawer and the next time he pulls that crap, just open the drawer and hand him the box. lol

  6. bob (either orr) Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 8:44 pm

    Calling these two idiots insults idiots everywhere else.

  7. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 8:53 pm

    A roll of toilet paper adds a classy touch to any office. Have you considered a career in interior design?

  8. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 8:56 pm

    DL474 – Now that’s a good idea.

    Bob – Yeah, I feel smarter when they walk into the division.

    Mrs. Crankipants – No. I like woman, so I am not qualified.

  9. Old NFO Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 9:23 pm

    I vote for the Tampons, or a box of maxipads… :-)

  10. Robert B. Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 9:32 pm

    Don’t forget the Mydol.

  11. John D Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 10:31 pm

    Sounds like a real winning personality. Maybe they can find a spot for him in public affairs. Asshat.

  12. kaveman Says:
    September 23rd, 2010 at 10:45 pm

    I really need to send you my phone number so you can get some free advice on how to react to asshats.

    Had you called, I would have told you that when said asshat returned with the TP, stare directly into his freakishly large head and point with authority at the shelf, never saying a word.

  13. Ingineer66 Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 12:04 am

    When he pointed, I would have said, “Use your words”. I guess that is what I get for having a daughter that was a student teacher in a kindergarten class last year.

  14. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 12:17 am

    Old NFO – Why not both?

    Robert B – He didn’t look crampy, but he acted like it.

    John D – He’s on a tactical team. He’s “special.”

    Kaveman – If I did that, this department would find me in the wrong. Seriously.

    Ingineer66 – That’s brilliant! We say that to Kevin all the time!

  15. Jon Brooks Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 12:19 am

    I’d have looked at him and said: “Donald Sutherland..Invasion of the Body Snatchers”?

  16. deadcenter Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 12:36 am

    I usually go for the exaggerated I’m speaking to a five year old approach, “what’s the magic word?” I keep asking until they give in or go away.

  17. Wes S. Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 1:19 am

    Wow. I’m not sure they make a roll of T.P. big enough to clean that @$$hole…

    As far as the other guy goes, I’m guessing he has to keep the top button of his shirt fastened to hide the circumcision scar, right?

  18. ed Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 7:09 am

    Kaveman – If I did that, this department would find me in the wrong. Seriously.

    What the hell? Does this turd outrank you or am I missing something?

  19. USAdmiral Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 8:38 am

    Yes, he is the whole shed, and no, they could not possibly convict you, even in Philadelphia.

  20. ajdshootist Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 9:31 am

    I would have asked “why have you shit yourself” and waited for the reply.

  21. Bob G. Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 10:01 am

    Convict you?
    Hell no!

    After the first point by him, I’d say “What? Whadda ‘ya want?”
    After the silence and another “poinitng” session, I’d just say:
    “You got a mouth? Use it.”

    And after he dropped the roll on my desk and walks away, I’d say loudly:
    “You’r'e WELCOME”.

    Yeah, you can tell I’m from Philly…LOL!


    Stay safe

  22. C/A Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 3:44 pm

    Surprisingly you never considered a career in the diplomatic corps. Interesting, world peace could be served by someone with your steely determination :)

  23. Rick Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 4:19 pm

    what a real a@

  24. Wyatt Earp Says:
    September 24th, 2010 at 5:48 pm

    Jon – I love the photo of his pointing with his mouth agape.

    Deadcenter – Kill him with sarcasm. Nice.

    Wes S. – Okay, that’s really funny.

    Ed – Technically, detectives are a slightly higher rank, but we’re not considered supervisors. What’s worse, is that my supervisors wouldn’t back me if I got into a thing with the douche.

    USAdmiral – One would hope.

    ajdshootist – Funny, his pants didn’t look brown.

    Bob G. – Yeah, the loud welcome always hits the spot.

    Captain – I can be the new John Bolton . . . without his kickass mustache.

    Rick – If you only knew . . .

  25. deadcenter Says:
    September 25th, 2010 at 12:23 am

    ajdshootist – Funny, his pants didn’t look brown.

    That’s why the Sherrif’s Office, Corrections Officers, and th French wear brown pants…