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True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | August 26, 2009

ppd-patch1This post could easily be entitled, “Tales of Idiocy,” but unfortunately for me, it happened at work on Monday night. It also happened about 20 minutes after the New Jersey lady called the division for directions. So you can imagine my mood when I talked to this idiot police officer. Here is how the phone call played out:

Officer: “Yeah, this is Officer (Deleted). I want to run a job by you.”
Me: “Okay, shoot.”

Officer: “Okay, I have a domestic out here, a woman assaulted her boyfriend.”
Me: “Okay . . .”

Officer: “She assaulted him and then got in her car and tried to run him over. The car is up on the sidewalk and on part of his lawn.”

(Brace yourself. Here it comes.)

Officer: “So, should I bring this woman in or what?”

Me (In my inner voice): “SERENITY NOW!!!”

Me (To the idiot officer): “This is a prank call, right? I mean, you cannot possibly be asking a serious question. You have a woman who assaulted a man, then drove up on his lawn trying to run him over, and you’re asking me if you should lock her up?!!!”
Officer: “Yeah.”

The best part about this call is not the shocking stupidity of the police officer. The best part is that the city of Philadelphia, in its infinite wisdom, decided to issue this officer a gun and grant him arrest powers. Powers that he obviously didn’t think were necessary for an aggravated frakkin’ assault!

Only 22 more years until retirement . . .

Topics: True Detective Stories | 10 Comments »

10 Responses to “True Detective Stories”

  1. kaveman Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:17 pm

    You should have told the officer to try and estimate the damage done to the lawn.

    If it exceeded “X amount” then bring her in and put the vehicle into the evidence room right next to the pile of crack pipes.

  2. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 12:26 pm

    Kaveman – Or call out a certified lawn doctor to estimate the damage and emotional stress of the lawn.

  3. MeToo Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:03 pm

    You’re right. It is a miracle you’re not a raging alcoholic. Bright lights and dim bulbs comes to mind.

  4. John D Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:41 pm

    I didn’t realize that damaging someone’s lawn was illegal in PA. That being the case, I agree, she should be arrested. Unless the car was a hybrid. Arresting people for driving hybrids on lawns in an attempt to run someone over might inadvertently discourage environmentally responsible behavior.

  5. Randal Graves Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:14 pm

    When does the wall go up around the city?

  6. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 2:42 pm

    MeToo – In fairness, immediately after that call, I went to the candy machine and bought a Butterfinger. Eased my mental pain.

    John D – Now if she was driving a Hummer, she would get the death penalty.

    Randal – To keep the idiots in or the good people out?

  7. Bitter American Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 6:10 pm

    Only the best for the citizens of Philly,…

  8. RT Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:23 pm


  9. bob (either orr) Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 11:47 pm

    This officer was approved by Mayor Squidward and will be protected when the Doomsday Budget comes to pass.

  10. dragonlady474 Says:
    August 28th, 2009 at 7:02 am

    I know I’m still only a student but….bwhahahaha…seriously, how did this guy ever get hired?