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Top O’ The Muffin . . . To You!

By Wyatt Earp | August 23, 2009

Bikini Muffin TopI promised you that I had vacation stories. This one is right at the top of my list.

Here is my problem with the Jersey shore. While there are lifeguards as far as the eye can see, there are no fashion police patrolling the beaches. Believe me, these fine men and women need to be implemented on America’s shore points, post haste. Here’s why:

There was this blond who was staying in the house across the street from us. In fact, she was one of many young blonds staying in this lucky, lucky home. Anyway, when we went to the beach on Sunday, there she was, sitting next to us at the 62nd Street beach. She was about 5’5″ with long blond hair – too long, according to the missus – a deep tan, and wearing a brown bikini.

And that, my friends, is where this story goes horribly wrong.

The girl had a decent upper half (if you know what I mean) and an ample lower half, but she wouldn’t really be considered fat, per se. At least until she put on her tiny bikini. When she stood, she looked a little chubby, but otherwise okay. However, when she sat down – and she did this all day, while pretending she knew how to read a book – we could see more rolls than an Amoroso’s bakery. Even the missus remarked, “She doesn’t have the body for a bikini.” It was unsightly.

Now, in fairness, I am not exactly Jason Statham. I am 5’9″, about 200 pounds, and could stand to lose some more. That being said, I know my limits when it comes to beach attire. When I was a big fat whale of 236 a few years ago, I never, ever took off my shirt on the beach for fear of nauseating my fellow bathers. After losing the poundage, I feel okay about hitting the beach shirtless, but I still get pangs of self-consciousness.

Not this broad.

She walked to the water and back all day with impunity. She was hot, and she knew it. Sadly, she didn’t have a friend blunt and/or evil enough to tell her she had three rolls where her abs were supposed to be. Me? I have Randal, and he never hesitates to tell me when I look like an ass – which is often.

I almost felt badly for this girl until I saw her swagger. I wanted to go over there, smack her in the fact with a frozen Lean Cuisine meal, and yell, “Eat it, you stupid cow!” But self-control got the better of me. The amazing thing – and Randal could back this up, as he came down for a day – was that is this same girl wore a one-piece, she would look fine. Great, even. But no, she saw her “perfect self image” in the mirror and decided to squeeze herself into an unflattering bathing suit.

Look kids, there are plenty of people out there who would look good in a bikini – Mrs. Crankipants, for one – but there are far more people who would look terrific in something that fit their style and body type. The trick is not to overshoot. The public implores you to think before you make your choice. Thank you.

UPDATE: I found her! While pouring through my vacation photos, I found Muffin Top in the background of a photo. Here she is, in the top left of the picture. Boo-yah!


Topics: Evil = Funny | 14 Comments »

14 Responses to “Top O’ The Muffin . . . To You!”

  1. GroovyVic Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 8:26 am

    This post is precisely why I bought a “tankini,” only the bottoms are swim shorts.

    Hey, I try to consider others. No one wants to see this in a bikini.

  2. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 9:06 am

    Oh, Wyatt you’re a charmer!

    Thank you for addressing this issue.
    I saw many ladies at the pool this year in unfortunate swim wear choices. Just because the Sports Illustrated models are wearing gold lame bikinis, it doesn’t mean you should follow suit. Never, ever try on a bathing suit in a dressing room with no mirror. And cheesesteak, beer loving, men over 40- leave the Speedos for Michael Phelps.

  3. Crankipants Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 9:47 am

    Following up on what the better half said above:

    This is the apotheosis of the self esteem movement. This slob you describe was putting the bakery on display in a fleshy variation on carpet bombing. If she slams her ample form on enough retinas, maybe she’ll bag the rare and elusive chubby chaser.

    I don’t want to get in a peeing contest with you, but the city pool was far worst than the Jersey shore. I’ve seen yards and yards of flesh that I wish I could unsee. Throw in the tattoos, and you’ll want to add bleach to the Visine.

  4. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 11:17 am

    GroovyVic – A tankini would have worked for this chick, too.

    Mrs. Crankipants – And when you do try on a bathing suit, stand naturally. Everyone will look better if they sucked in their flab in front of the mirror.

    Crankipants – “Peeing contest?” “City pool?” You made a funny! I have a whole other post about the tattoo issue that’ll I’ll put up later in the week.

  5. Ryan Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 11:46 am

    The old argument hold true…if you ever want to feel better about the way you look, go to the beach. The majority of the people you see will make you look and feel like a supermodel.

    As an aside, if you ever want to feel better about you life, go to an AA meeting. I’ve been so drunk I couldn’t find my house, but never so drunk I LOST my house.

  6. Lergnom Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 12:00 pm

    One unfortunate visual I’ll carry forever happened late one Saturday night at a local Wawa. A pear shaped young lady who should have known better was decked out in a pair of sprayed-on black spandex pants with diamond-shaped cutouts along the sides. the flesh was squeezing out of these now rectangular openings.
    So let’s extend that Fashion Police coverage to club wear.

  7. B.C. Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 3:29 pm

    Wyatt, I swear to Cthulu, when I was stationed overseas in Athens back in the late 80′s-early 90′s, there was an Air Force wife (one of my fellow squadron member’s) who insisted on wearing Spandex® 24/7… She weighed 350 pounds if she weighed an ounce. The running joke was that if they made parachutes or bullet-resistant vests out of the same material they used to make her clothing, we could drop the Empire State Building off of Mt. Everest and land it w/o cracking a single brick or get shot with a 50-cal at point-blank range and not feel a thing.

  8. CaptainAmerica Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 6:53 pm

    Well let me say this about that: after my recent jaunt across the pond I can tell you that we need an international fashion police force. For some reason some European men think they look good wearing less clothes than their wives. Specifically their affection for bikini / brief swimwear.
    Some Europeans think the old wrap a towel around you and get changed in the middle of the beach is not going to trigger a gag reflex in everyone within 50 feet. I agree dude. Pretty awful.

  9. RT Says:
    August 23rd, 2009 at 10:17 pm

    I just avoid all shore points, period. One…I hate sand, two…I hate direct sunlight burning my skin, three….too many people thinking that just because they can squeeze into a bathing suit means they can wear them (oddly, most are not from NJ).

  10. Glenn Cassel AMH1(AW) USN Retired Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 8:16 am

    OK. I tend to like the chubby ones. Having discovered that the “rewards” are better. I’m not saying that the girls in the just finished Miss Universe pageant aren’t delicious, they are. But for my money, a really good looking girl with CURVES and some small rolls at the top of the jeans is really something.

  11. Jason Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 11:16 am

    Generations have convinced their children that if they urinate in the pool the water will turn and they will be outed as a pool pee-er. We need to somehow convince those not in tune with their actual hideous outward appearances something along the same lines.

    Then again, any amount of convincing will be negated by the amounts of alcohol and recreational narcotics consumed by some who frequent the beaches as well many pools.

    I’ve been to Dorney Park and have witnessed women in full burka in the wading pools. This is a fashion trend that should be extended to the portions of the population who insist on sharing every inch of themselves with the general public.

  12. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 11:56 am

    Ryan – I sure felt better about myself after an hour on that beach.

    Lergnom – Thank you. My lunch is now ruined.

    B.C. – Dude. What are people thinking?

    Captain – We should go back to the bathing suits they wore in the 20′s. Less flesh is more.

    RT – And Philly, apparently.

    Glenn – Then this gal was the one for you.

    Jason – Now that’s a part of Islam I am completely on board with!

  13. MeToo Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 1:43 pm

    Geez, when will people learn. As my mom always said, “Just because it comes in your size…..!!”

  14. Crazy Politico Says:
    August 24th, 2009 at 11:19 pm

    Worst one of those swim wear problems ever encountered was in Hawaii on our 20th anniversary.

    A german guy for some reason thought at 400 lbs he’d look good in a banana hamock.

    I swear a japanese whaler with harpoons at the ready was gunning for him as he came out of the shallows. Then they realized German whales were out of seaon.