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Still More True Detective Stories

By Wyatt Earp | August 25, 2009

Crazy Cat Lady

Think the last story was bad? You haven’t read anything yet. Like the previous entry, this story is 100% true. I realize none of you will believe it, but the drama unfolded in front of me and three of my fellow detectives. This woman’s ramblings were so rapid and incoherent that I couldn’t take down notes fast enough. So, I’ll highlight the major bullet points of her dilemma instead of a word-for-word account.

A woman approaches the front window. She is an older white woman with short blond hair, not too tall, and a tad heavyset. From all appearances, she looks harmless enough. And then she opens her mouth.

My co-worker asks her is she is being helped, and she just lets loose. The woman states that she wants to make a missing report for her three children. She claims that they went missing in . . . 2002. Oh, it gets better. She then claims that her “children” are actually her eggs: as in ovarian eggs. According to this moonbat, the royal family of Arabia – not Saudi Arabia, just Arabia, wherever the hell that is – drugged her, cut her open, and took her eggs. Why? Because the prince of Arabia wanted her to be the mother of his children. Seriously.

Naturally, we decided to solemnly consider this woman’s tale of woe, so my co-worker asked her if she had a description of these “children.” She replied (and I quote): “They look just like me! Blond hair and blue eyes!” How she knew that her ovarian eggs would look like that after seven years is beyond me, but that is what she claimed. Incredibly, she also stated that she doesn’t know exactly how many eggs were stolen from her. Always the wiseass, I asked, “Well, was it a dozen? They could have been carried away in one of those cartons.”

She was not amused.

The woman immediately flew into a rage, screaming that INTERPOL was already on the case. We asked why local law enforcement was not involved, and she replied that the FBI told her if she made another report like this, she would be arrested. Apparently, her story cannot get out because high-ranking politicians are burying it for “national security reasons.”

It gets even better.

The woman stated she had a certified letter from Joe Biden verifying her previous theft reports. You know, a letter from the vice-president about a theft of ovarian eggs! I mean, why shouldn’t she, since she is a member of the “Arabian” royal family – because all members of that Middle Eastern monarchy have blond hair and blue eyes!

Sensing that we had enough of her nonsense and were ready to throw her out of the building, the woman produced one final, crucial piece of evidence: a photo of the man who stole her eggs. It was a black and white photo of a man driving a Mister Softee ice cream truck. Apparently, being Arabian royalty isn’t what it used to be.

Upon seeing the photo, we all started laughing. Incensed, the woman stormed out, claiming she would have us all fired for dismissing her complaint.

So, how was your day?

Topics: True Detective Stories | 18 Comments »

18 Responses to “Still More True Detective Stories”

  1. Rick Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:05 pm

    I think someone needs to be put in a rubber room

  2. bob (either orr) Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:20 pm

    You can’t make this up.

  3. TexasFred Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:24 pm

    Sadly, the woman needs help, big bunches of help, but not from the Police..

    As sadly, she’s the nut-job that might walk back in and start blasting…

    My Son took his Detective Board yesterday, I have tried to tell him, it’s NOT what it’s cracked up to be, it’s NOT what you see on TV, but he is fully convinced it’s better than patrol.. We’ll see..

  4. Steve Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:26 pm

    You are drifting out of the mainstream of Americans. Why don’t you get back on track with what we want to listen too? I was a cop, why don’t you get back on track with us?

  5. Bitter Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:33 pm

    Wow. Just wow. And this is why Philly scares me. Forget the thugs, these types are scary enough.

  6. RT Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 9:55 pm

    I wonder her eggs are as cracked as she is.

    She needs help, but she won’t get it.

  7. Randal Graves Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 10:23 pm

    “with short blond hair, not too tall, and a tad heavyset” – it that code for fat and ugly? There’s no such thing as a tad heavyset.

    Oh, and I LOVED Mister Softee; especially the double cone thing where there are two “cups for the ice cream but only one cone part where you hold it…..friggin awesome.

  8. Randal Graves Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 10:24 pm

    Maybe she needs a “Death Panel”?

  9. John D Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 10:55 pm

    In the neighborhood where I grew up, the guy who drove the Mr. Softee truck was royalty. As far as we were concerned, anyway.

  10. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 11:12 pm

    Rick – And the key needs to be melted into oblivion.

    Bob – I don’t have the talent or the inclination to do so.

    TexasFred – It is a million times better than patrol, but you’re right. It is nothing like you see on TV – unless your only reference is Barney Miller. It’s EXACTLY like that!

    Steve – Um, what the hell are you talking about?

    Bitter – And all this time you thought I did nothing at work. :)

    RT – No, and we can’t force her because she was not a real danger to herself or others.

    Randal – Agreed. On the cone and the death panel.

    John D – Good point. You heard that jingle and bowed down to greatness.

  11. TexasFred Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 11:35 pm

    Barney Miller was THE most realistic cop show ever… :P

  12. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 25th, 2009 at 11:56 pm

    TexasFred – Oh, I wasn’t being sarcastic. It is exactly like working as a detective in Philly. You’d be amazed.

  13. MeToo Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 1:00 pm

    Makes me glad I live in Petticoat Junction. The big news here is when someone puts an old toilet on someone’s porch or the kids place all the realtor signs in the school yard.

  14. TexasFred Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 3:08 pm

    Wyatt, no, I wouldn’t, it IS like most ANY Detective office, I knew you were serious, and Barney Miller should be required viewing for ALL Detective candidates!!

    Barney Miller was Da’ Bomb!! :P

  15. wagonsux Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:37 pm

    Wyatt… You know someone in the Operations Room downstairs sent her up to you. They, I’m sure, had a good laugh.

  16. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 5:48 pm

    MeToo – Toilet defacing! Stone them!

    Wagonsux – In fairness, if I were in the OR, I would have done the same thing. “Yes ma’am, go talk to the detectives.”

  17. Lergnom Says:
    August 26th, 2009 at 9:02 pm

    And they vote.

  18. Smite A. Hippie Says:
    August 27th, 2009 at 6:35 pm

    well now what’s he going to do with the eggs if he’s a Softee