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A Possible Darwin Award Finalist

By Wyatt Earp | August 2, 2009

Schuylkill Jumper

Let’s hear it for jackass criminals!

Police and rescue workers called off a search at 8 p.m. today for a man who jumped into the Schuylkill River near Conshohocken as he attempted to evade police following a crash on the expressway. Police did not see the man re-emerge from the river.

Five cars were involved in a minor accident on the eastbound side of the Schuylkill Expressway in Lower Merion Township around 2:30 p.m., police said. When troopers arrived to investigate, a man involved in the crash gave a trooper false identification, police said.

When police questioned him further, he fled, crossing the east- and westbound lanes of the highway. The man then bounded over a concrete barrier and ran toward the river, state police said tonight.

The trooper pursued the man and saw him start to swim across the river, state police said. Police did not see the man get out of the river.

The man, who was black and described as in his early 20s, had short, brown hair and tattoos on both arms, police said. (H/

This toad probably doesn’t realize this, but dozens of people drown in the Schuylkill River every year. You don’t want to jump into it, especially with street clothes on – and especially the day after a torrential rainstorm. The chances of finding this guy alive are slim, in my opinion – all because he didn’t want to be questioned by the po-po.


Topics: Evil = Funny, Philly | 9 Comments »

9 Responses to “A Possible Darwin Award Finalist”

  1. Old NFO Says:
    August 2nd, 2009 at 10:58 pm

    Sounds like the gene pool got a little free chlorine!

  2. Jason Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 12:19 am

    Water is a gift from above. Thank you Jesus.

    There’s one less democrat, er, I mean felon driving around crapping up the city.

  3. Crankipants Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 7:01 am

    Maybe there could be a Felon Swim Meet across the Schuylkill.

  4. Mrs. Crankipants Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 10:02 am

    Remember the YMCA jingle?

    “There is fun in the water, but there’s danger, too
    So you have to swim well, so nothing happens to you.
    Learn how to swim at the YMCA,
    Learn how to swim at the YMCA.

    Learn how to swim
    But never swim alone
    There is safety in numbers
    Do not strike out on your own.

    And never dive
    Unless you know
    That the water’s not too shallow
    And it’s clear below.”

    I guess this poor fellow never learned to swim at the YMCA, and was probably too young to remember the jingle. It was kind of humid yesterday, maybe he was just being spontaneous.

  5. MeToo Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 10:17 am

    I can’t imagine drowning being better than prison but then again, I haven’t experienced either. Ya gotta love these 20-somethings that think they are invincible. Heck of a wake up call.

  6. The Girl Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 11:14 am

    I love the description, dark hair with tattoos – doesn’t that describe half the people you see anymore?

  7. Wyatt Earp Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 1:37 pm

    Old NFO – Just in time, too!

    Jason – Think of how many crimes have just been prevented.

    Crankipants – A Toad Triathlon?

    Mrs. Crankipants – Well played, ma’am!

    MeToo – Now, he’s sleeping with the fishes – presumably.

    The Girl – Absolutely. ‘Cept me. No tattoos.

  8. Alan B Says:
    August 3rd, 2009 at 1:51 pm

    I realise “stupid” requires no further explanation but I wonder of there was anything else he didn’t want to be associated with?

    Drugs, murder – who knows …

    “Racial profiling”? No. Just trying to explain totally stupid.

  9. Rides A Pale Horse Says:
    August 4th, 2009 at 1:17 am

    What is the matter with you people? This was a human being. One who could possibly have been rehabilitated and lived a normal, productive life. He had loved ones too you know. Celebrating the death of another human being is just positively disgusting.

    Man………I gotta quit doing that. My head hurts from trying to think like a liberal…..How dey do dat?

    In other words, adios perp. Sux to be you eh?

    BTW……..I really like the idea of the Felon Swim Meet across the Schuylkill. I’d watch that.

    And, actually, those were the right words……..

    Sorry if I freaked anyone out.